What’s on my mind, huh? Here’s what on my mind: Kill myself, and be done with this world. Why not? If the world doesn’t need me, then why care?
I am not joking here. I am not even close to try to make a joke about.
Simply put: I’m at lost of how I could be able to emphasize the feeling right now. I got the latest rejection even within 2 hours after phone interview this afternoon, saying crap like We choose a more suite candidate than you….blah blah blah.
To be blunt: I graduated as a network/system admin guy, at excellent level, no less. I had been working for one tech-based service company and another non-tech in the last 2 years, right after I left the school. My record isn’t all that awesome, compare to my friends at least, but it has its shares of good points. So what are all those HR recruiters looking for? I was only laid off last December because of financial issues, that, I could guarantee with my head. I keep on applying over and over again, yet even with many jobs totally fit with my record, what did I get? The nonsense again and again We choose more suitable person than you ….or We think your record didn’t fit with the position….. yadayadayadayada…..
Conclusion: Right now I am feel worthless, unbearable worthless, 200% feel like I am a leech who suck the blood out of my family. I don’t know what exactly how to describe the feeling, as I’m not too much of a talkative guy. I try not be depress, but it took its tone day by day. My family is worthless, with all their nonsense about working at own business….. My colleagues, well, not helping much, can’t blame them.
I just can’t take it anymore……I had never had a history of suicidal thoughts before but now I am starting to feel suicidal. Every morning waking up, I am in misery with this obsession of ending my miserably worthless self. God, if there is such an entity called God, what did I ask for? I just want to work in IT-related fields, not only because of the money, but also because I love the career I choose, and want to make the best of it. I don’t mind all the hard works, as long as I could be at least feel useful as a system admin, not just sitting here, bickering. Is that such an enormous wish? Is that a hard wish? I know I have done things bad in the past, but it’s not like I am a serial killer to be punished like this.
Can’t take it anymore. Maybe I just take a bunch of pills this weekend & be done with it.
4 comments
Can you look for jobs interstate or move to a different country. Keep trying buddy at least you’re qualified at something you’re good at and like doing
Good jobs are hard to get-but there should be a lot of opportunities in IT…maybe you’re aiming too high, just take anything at this point. I was in your shoes about 4 years ago. I’m well educated, couldn’t get work in my field, eventually things got really bad for me, so I took a lower level office job. These past 4 years flew by like what felt like a blink of an eye.
Trust me on this-time really does fly as mentioned-so just take anything you can get, while you wait for a good job. Having that income and independence will make a big difference in your outlook, plus there’s no shame in taking something lower level, a lot of educated people have done it then moved onto something better.
Incidentally I’m looking to make my next big jump…my income is below average here, so practically anything I take will make a dramatic improvement in my life. I was hanging by a thread for a long time-very depressed and suicidal. I wish I could redo my last 20 years, I’m a million times smarter than I was when I was 20, I could have gone really far. Anyways in my 40s now and will be happy just to end up in the middle to upper-middle class before I retire.
I wish I treated life more like a carnival, unique opportunities only come around once, but you get many of them in your youth. At this age, well there’s nothing good to look forward to, unless I strike it rich and can get to travel the world. Well we all have our own bag to deal with-I’ve pulled off miracles before, so I think I can still achieve something before I hit my 50s and onward.
Yah know, its not like I try to be some manager, chief engineer or things alike.
I know that, because I’m fully understand that with 2 years of experiences and self-learning, I’m still pretty much a green-horn, nothing less, nothing more.
Yet I failed every fucking miserably interviews, even with jobs that descriptions totally fit my CV. Why? Did I ask for sth so big? Did I ask for some positions at IBM, Microsoft, Intel….? All I ask are two things: I could do what I like/what I enjoy/what I’m familiar with + Earning some cash for my future path. Is that such a big-ish thing? How come some one out there possibly believe that s/o with a bunch of certificates, from CCNP to MCSE to ITIL and blah blah blah…. with 5 – 10 years experiences would be a more fit to a MIS position? MIS = Managing Information Systems. Why would people like that be a better fit for a position of tasks such as supporting users, managing office devices…..? Why if not because some fucking heads inside that company already make preparation for them?
I’m tired, really, really,…, really tired. I’m now anxiety waiting for another result, from another job that is totally fit to my CV, with less and less confident every day. These days, each morning waking up, I look at the sky, and all I could see is grey —> black, then vise versa.
Maybe, after all, I should just end this pathetic life, or if I’m too coward to kill me, I will go up to mountain, monastery or church, and become a monk, or a priest…. Not a bad idea, since I’m tired of this life and this world. Looking back, it’s a very funny thing, because I used to call myself atheist, a.k.a, I don’t believe in God & the likes, partially because how my life has been a fucking mess-up.