Hello everyone,
i would like to preface this by saying thank you to the wonderful staff who have created this website and for those who will read this. I appreciate your time.
I am a 26 year old man. I stand six feet tall and have a decent body and some pretty nifty talents and gifts, but sadly i in my short time on this planet have managed to destroy every single good thing that has ever happened to me through very poor decision making. I currently perform stand up comedy, i am in a nirvana tribute band and i have a variety of extracurricular and extra vocational activities.
i have always wanted death to come to me. I would not go as far as saying i wish to annihilate myself through vicious means, but every night i go to sleep hoping to die by morning. My heart has let so many people in and because of my anxiety and trust issues, they eventually walk away. The happiest moment in my life was sometime in the summer of 2013 when my ex girlfriend and i started dating. However, i should have known better to get involved with a 18 year old girl with a mood disorder and paternal issues. Her and i ceased to speak on september 26 2014 and since then i have fallen substantially.
I lost my job, lost many friends, and whatever friends i did have left walked away. My family never texts me or calls me. It has been that way for a very long time and each time i try to explain that i wish to speak to them more, they continue to say they are busy but i know that is not true as my mother works at home in a very cushy job and my father works straight week days and thats it.
Essentially, i have lost all hope. I was married and that shattered because we could not communicate anymore. This was a different woman but she left me on november 2 2012. I met the woman i ak lamenting over now about eight months later. It was during the summer of 2013 i had the greatest times of my life and now i just go to bars and watch and observe how happy people are and i wish i could feel happiness again, but i just can’t.
As i write this, i am laying in bed listening to Ein Lied by Rammstein and i cannot stop tearing up. I am just completely done with everything. I cannot ever get anything done right and when i do, it is generally benefitting other people and they do not even show appreciation for what i do to help them. Laying here at this moment in time i simply wish that i could just die. I have several knives and weapons that i could easily take myself out but I’m terrified even with my knowledge of the human anatomy that survival instincts will kick in and stop me from dying.
I really want death to come. More than anything on this planet. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I cannot remember the last time someone told me they love me or care and i in my nature am a very intimate and romantic man. Once the 18 year old now 20 left, my world just started crumbling. I used to be known as a happy and dedicated man. Now, people dread hearing from me and virtually no one speaks to me anymore.
I guess what i am saying is that the emotional pain has exceeded my physical coping resources and i just want to die. I have several plans, but at the same time there are flaws to all of them. I wanted to go buy Zquil and gin. Drink the 26 ounce bottle of gin and take the package of Zquil and just pass out, hopefully stop breathing while asleep.
I have called crisis lines and they sent out emergency workers who promised to put me in toucy with therapists i can afford, but after weeks of waiting they have yet to respond to my calls and emails.
I guess i can just say i am done. I no longer wish to live and i needed to say this even if it is to a bunch of caring strangers.
Regards,
A Man Who Lost His Will To Live
6 comments
Wow, thanks for writing your story. That’s some crap to have to deal with. Sorry you’re going through this. What do you say to a stranger who’s lost his will? The only reason any of us can read and relate to your story is because we’ve all been there. I know what you’re going through because I’ve had similar experiences. It’s hard to understand right now that this part of your story will actually change. It may get worse, but it may get better too! The guarantee is that it will change either little by little or one grand swoop. Here’s a saying that just popped into my pea brain. “Inch by inch, life’s a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard” Take it slow, inch by inch.
Rammstein is a great band. I’m sorry to hear everything else; I hope somehow things can improve for you. Maybe if you are able to analyze yourself and uncover the issues at your core, that you will be able to pinpoint when those issues would be a problem for you in your interactions with others, and try to prevent this before it happens.
Just like Randall said, life does get shitty but it also gets better. What you need, in my opinion, is some kind of distraction, find something you enjoy doing and do that as much as possible. I myself feel similar many a time but I distract myself from those feelings as much as possible and slowly but surely things get better. If you can get yourself out of this sadness you can get yourself through anything the word throws at you. Look at this site itself, tons of people commenting on each other’s stories shows us there are people who do care about us. Just because the people in your immediate circle don’t seem to give a damn doesn’t mean nobody out there does. Hold on a little longer friend.
Man, life is a *****. A ***** doesn’t only do shit to you. A ***** is sometimes sweet and sometimes shit. I’m sure you had some sweet moments with that *****. Maybe wait for the sweetness again?
Randall, I definitely need to start taking life in smaller doses. I have not had a meaningful friendship In awhile and I can’t remember the last time I was told I am worth something. I like that quote.
Opacity, I have analyzed myself to the point of exhaustion and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just too forward with people when they hurt me. So much so that people aren’t used to such brutal honesty and they walk. Yes rammstein is amazing and they with sevendust have helped me continue to exist.
Eisenhower I know what you mean. A bunch of strangers who only want to see the person make it through and who only want themselves to be happy and hope their stories can alleviate others from the crippling sadness we all experience.
Ppcforpaperclip she was and is a ***** but our attitudes toward life were similar. Neither of us had many friends and we were each other’s rocks. We loved each other endlessly until the trust was broken on January 4 2014 when she broke a particular device used for consuming cannabis over my head and since then I had trust issues with her and things just slowly fell apart. I want the sweetness to come back because she was the only person in the history of my life who had my back through it all and now I can’t contact her on Facebook as she has me blocked and deleted my number months ago. The worst part about it is she still lives just down the street from me mooching off of her best friend. I just. I don’t know. I feel that the only thing stopping me from ending my life is her constant appearance in my dreams. My dreams predict reality before they happen and I keep dreaming she is coming back at some point in my life but I’m not counting on it
i can relate man. that feel when all your old friends leave and see you differently. But yaknow what man? Fuck them! Fuck em all! They dont deserve to know how beautiful your soul is. They can all fuckin’ rot in hell.