Which is not an easy thing to say, since it was about this same time last year that I was feeling the same way. My “Bete Noir” {Black Beast…it’s what I call my depressed self. I’m bipolar and my depressed self is NOT ME. This much I know to be true…} has surfaced and I’m in worse shape this year. I’ve lost my home; was fired from my job; lost everything I owned that was in storage for the past few years because I couldn’t afford the fees. Still have my old car but haven’t been able to afford insurance, so my license is probably suspended. So, I am homeless, unemployed, on probation, off medication and just hanging in there. Barely. I’m looking at 50 this year and my middle-aged self is currently parked on my elderly Mom’s couch. She opened her door to me — Silver Lining. Because I am no longer employed, I qualified for food stamps –another Silver Development. I moved to a new city; I can go out to the store, looking and feeling like hell and don’t have to worry about running into someone and keeping up appearances. (When you haven’t washed your hair or are wearing the same “Yankees Suck” tshirt with spaghetti sauce stains for the third time, this is most-definitely a Silver Lining!) I’ve never been married nor had children, but I have two awesome cats that are like kids to me and I love them beyond measure. And even if a Mother’s Love is not enough to keep two feet on this mortal coil, my fur kids do. Mom might not be around much longer but my animals will. And they will never, ever understand why I choose to leave them. And so I made them a promise…I will stay here. I’ll give it another year. Another 365 days…I owe it to them to stick around. They didn’t ask to be adopted by mentally-deficient me but they were, and they love me just as much as if I were well-balanced and productive.
And once I made that decision and then made that promise — of giving life another year — I felt free. I’m still depressed but every time I think of suicide, there’s a trip-wire in my brain that goes “OOPS…File Not Found…no longer a viable option”, there’s a sense of freedom that I HAVE the ability to choose. And a sense of peace. What if — a year from now — life is pretty good? There are no guarantees that it will; especially looking at my past history; but what if there is something awesome about to arrive and I’d miss out on it because I was dead?? That would suck. More than things suck now. The real Me hates to miss out on a good time, even if it’s a year away. And what would happen to my cats if I weren’t around to make sure they had a home? What if — horror of horrors — my older guy ended up on kitty death row just because he couldn’t be adopted?? What the hell did he ever do to deserve that?? Suicide is so really damn selfish, as is depression. Others left picking up the mess you leave behind. I may not care what happens to me but my heart is big enough to care about what happens to the ones left behind.
See you in 365…
7 comments
You are a talented writer. Your story is honest and heartbreaking. It drew me in. I know that you probably can’t see the good in yourself most of the time, but please know that someone who doesn’t even know you or what you look like, immediately thought that you are a smart, witty, loving, talented person. That is honestly my impression of you after reading your post. I think you are incredibly strong and I am so proud of you for giving yourself 365 days……but at the end of the 365 days, if nothing has changed, could you please give yourself another and another and another, until you are a 90 year old woman who has lived a beautiful but sometimes painful life and you look back and thank God that you chose to stick around. The world would really be lacking if it lost you. It may not seem like it now, or even in 5 years, but your life is precious and you are worth it. ????
You brought tears to my eyes as I read your post, Jackiebleu. I went to see “American Sniper”and the one pervading thought was “why was someone like that — an American hero, with children and a family and others that looked up to him — why did he lose his life and why do I still have mine?” This was a practical thought…I am nothing if not practical, being a Virgo. It struck me that maybe the reason I still was kicking around and existing was because I hadn’t yet fulfilled my purpose; my reason for being here. And maybe, that’s the hallmark of the reason we are all here; the various ways we have found it to this page and have reached out by posting or commenting…by these simple acts, we are still HERE, and as such, we matter. I like to believe in God, so that’s another reason I have for sticking it out; maybe the reason I’m still here while others are not is because of His purpose for my life. I like to think that’s the same rationale as to why the rest of us are still here; especially the ones that have tried to leave by their choice and have remained. I chose a year as a focal point; it gave me a sense of relief to table the thoughts of suicide for a specific time period; it felt practical. I’ve almost been around for a half a century and the chances are pretty good that I will be here longer than that. After all, I didn’t think I’d make it this long…
Thank you for your kindness…your words meant the world to me.
I love cats toooooooooo!!!! They are so adorable and such a stress reliever :3 When I feel down and tired as I go home, they’ll welcome me by snugging to my feet =3=; hah~~ they’re just kind and adorable. Little furry ball with big eyes, also they always meowing back at me if I call they name, precious <3 I have 2 cat and 2 kitten now.. I've been with cats from 5 years old I think, and now I'm 24, so many cats that have been around me. They give me their attention and paws lol, memories and joy. I love cats even though sometimes they're too cunning and steal fish sometimes XD but they're just cats right.. still adorable.. XD OMG I can't stop talking about cats <333 a cat's friend is my friend, so hey friend! I pray that you have a great year ahead and greater year ahead ahead ^^/
Take care ya!
See you in 365 🙂 I just wanted you to know that this is inspiring. It puts a lot of things into perspective, and congrats on being able to see the silver-lining.
BeteBlonde,
good for you! I feel the same way! I have six cats! if I go they would be terrified and put to death by strangers! screw that! they are my babies and innocent! so my advice? first off don’t get use to hand outs but use them to recover, don’t be so proud not to go to Wal-Mart or the good will 🙂 get a few nice clothes, look for a job anything to make a few bucks, and look for a good man / woman? 🙂 ha ha! you never know, anyways a partner you can start over and will if you don’t give up and try! it will happen, attitude is everything. so pull out of it! you will see I’m right start starting over and rebuilding today! you have everything to gain and so do your cats! EERRRROOOOWWWW!
Thanks for the friendly post, InspiredSky! I love animals, as a whole, but have only owned cats as an adult. We had dogs growing up as kids, but I seem to identify more with the feline, who wants to be rubbed and fed and admired and are far more independent than dogs. Dog just aren’t as “user-friendly” to someone in the midst of depression because they require more care. I have enough of an issue just leaving the house; let alone, have to do it several times a day to walk a dog, lol!
But I firmly believe having a pet — be it cat, or dog or even goldfish — is a responsibility that may keep one from suicide. People can be assholes, but an animal just loves you and depends on you and only asks that you love them (and okay, they want food and water) in return. Animals don’t care if you have showered or brushed your teeth or scored well on a test or showed up for work or any myriad of things that people expect of you. So, the gist of my message is…if you feel like you can’t hold on for the sake of the people in your life, consider staying alive for the animals.
Enjoy your fur kids…gotta love kittens!! Prayers sent right back atcha!
@ RocketMan…forgive me; I’m getting used to the layout of this page and the comments. You made me laugh with the ferocious “EERRRROOOOWWW”! I’ll get it together. I always have, though it’s taken me longer and longer to each time it all goes to hell. (which it has for at least five or six times…) You know, apart from some items that had sentimental value — and a really nice set of dishes and some awesome framed art — losing everything in my storage unit was hard to face, yet it was also a sense of relief in not having to worry about all that stuff anymore. I liken it to being a survivor of a tornado or fire or hurricane and having everything I owned wiped out as a result of natural disaster. (Myself included; I’ve managed be my own natural disaster at times.) That’s a more acceptable narrative for me and takes some of the pain of loss from it.
And I’m female…btw. Not too hard on the eyes when I clean it all up, or so I’ve been told.