I’ve Fucked Up – Again

I’ve got a roommate that I love dearly. Keep in mind, I knew that he didn’t want to marry me, he claimed is was just his friend. He’s was not in the best of health, and I’ve done things for him that only medical people would do; enemas, insulin shots, emptied urinals. I’ve even handled his mail and banking when he’s in the hospital.  Now, after 15 years, his health is better, and he’s going back to his old self, screwing any female that looks like a stripper.

But this man, whom I love dearly, doesn’t love me. We got into a hell of a fight. I’m not good enough for him; I’m lazy and fat, and just tonight he hit me twice and called me an “idiot”, “Fucking *****”, “Crazy *****”, etc.

You see, I’m 49 years old.  I was molested as a child and my father HATED me. I have no children, no family, no friends. I’m Bi-Polar II and have horrible PMS.  In the past I’ve lost my house, my car, several jobs, and my husband. Currently I have no money, no job, and nowhere to go.

As if now I have 30 days to get move out.  Where the fuck am I going to go?

I don’t want to “start again”.  I don’t want a “new beginning”.  I just want out.  But I don’t have the courage or the means to kill myself.  I’m so fucking useless, even to myself.

Thanks for listening.