I’ve been doing pretty good with handling my emotions lately, that was until yesterday. I could feel the depression slowly start to smother me again in it’s natural repetitious state. I managed to get through work with only one break down. I work with a bunch of men (being one myself) so I’m always having to mask my emotions and depression at work. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it’s really hard to do. I mask my depression and emotions at work because I don’t think they would understand, and I don’t want people to either feel sorry for me, think of me differently and so forth. Yesterday was one of those days. I think one or two of my co-workers noticed. Finally quitting time came, and it was such a relief to go out to my car finally, and I broke down on the way home. Crying for no reason what so ever. Well I mean there is the depression, but it’s nothing new.
I thought I had got it all out of my system, but it wasn’t the case. I went to a birthday dinner with my family. I didn’t make it past the entree before I found myself tearing up. Just a rush of emotions coming over me. And of course none of my family understand I have depression, they wouldn’t see it if I had the words depression tatttoo’d on my forehead. They can see it in everyone else, but not me. I tried to explain it to my mom as I could see the look of discernment she had on her face. I tried to explain it, like I have several times before. And my parents just think depression happens for an external reason like a break up, job less etc.
I’m afraid they won’t see the signs till it’s to late, and I’m gone.
2 comments
Well done for handling your emotions and well done for acknowledging what was happening when your depression started. Its like a dark shadow slowly surrounds you. You know its going to happen and you feel the thoughts take over. Getting teary at work is fucked.
I recently worked in a male dominated field, transport, so I had to wear the same mask over and over, but the thing would slip and others got a glimpse of that darkness within. I had a breakdown at work and struggled to return.
Family don’t want to acknowledge your illness because they could blame themselves or feel helpless and have to watch a loved one suffer like they do. I asked why my mum refused to acknowledge and help years back when I struggled with drugs and recently with my illness, that was her response, she felt helpless and tried to ignore the signs and hoped that I wouldn’t do anything to myself or my habit get worse. Sh called a few help lines, but they told her that someone who doesn’t want help won’t accept it.
With the depression, she felt guilty and blamed herself. I told her recently how close I was to suicide and she said she would put her feelings aside and watch closely for any signs.
Some don’t know how to deal with it. And like you said, think its a one off or seasonal. Get info from your GP, brochures or whatever, and leave them lying around the house. Sounds like they just need to be better informed.
Good luck.
Thanks mick,
I hope things have changed for the better in your condition. I guess if it was, you probably wouldn’t be here. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to let me acknowledge I’m not alone in the day to day struggles. You’re probably dead on to with the family issue. That’s probably exactly why they don’t want to accept it or think about me in that manner. I wish you the very best on your road to recovery as well. Hope you’re doing better than I am right now at handling your emotions.