I have been dealing with suicidal depression for over a year now. I’m 18 I no longer live at home due to some family issues and am currently living with my sister who I split rent with. I have a full time job as a cashier, I go to college, and overall am a very busy person. I am actually adopted from a family of drug addicts. My birth dad left my mother when I was born and she did some drugs while pregnant. This caused me to have a form of high functioning Autism called Aspergers (AD) syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Some of the struggles I have are social situations freak me out, I’ve always been heavily bullied, and for the most part an outcast. My depression strangely enough didn’t start until my senior year of high school even though things had been going downhill for a while. My lack of friends and ability to keep them has been very consistent ever since I was a little kid so I learned to just remain isolated and make books and games my closest friends. My adoptive mom has had some problems with many health issues including injury, illness, and mental which have caused financial stress on the family since she can’t work and her verbal abuse is the reason I no longer live at home. The beginning of my senior year things came to a head when my lack of friends combined with the stress of a hard course schedule full of honors classes combined with abuse at home caused me to break. I suddenly out of no where tried to kill myself by train. I wasn’t able to follow through and then tried reaching out and making friends. Problem was as I made a few friends I became increasingly unhappy over time and eventually reached the point I couldn’t trust people and loathed myself for my problems and just wanted to die to make my family’s life easier. I eventually told 3 of those friends I worked so hard to make about these problems and how I felt and ever since have been building a close relationship to where I actually have a few very close friends. At one point I actually dated one of the 3. She was kind to me, understanding, and tried to help me through this hard time in my life. She’d comfort me when I’d meltdown and was overall a good person. After dating me for 3 months eventually my awkwardness and depression became too much for her and she dumped me. She still talks to me 4 months later and we are still friends but there is some pain there. As far as the other 2 who are actually currently dating they were both nice to me and were part of a group in band I hung out with at the end of my senior year. When I told them about my problems they went to a school counselor for help on how to deal with the situation. When my family heard about my depression it made things much worse and eventually my home life became hell. Ever since this all started I’ve struggled the pain of self loathing, mental abuse, loneliness, a sense of hopelessness, and as time has continued on a lot of it is now the guilt of burdening others with my problems. I have mental breakdowns all the time at home at night, I’m having trouble sleeping cause my mental pain is too much to bare and I’ve become more and more reckless in my everyday life. Part of these meltdowns is the fact that I have trouble with social situations not just because people stress me out but I can’t read emotions very well, I have trouble with showing empathy, I have trouble paying attention to people, I give off very little emotion, I have trouble telling when people are serious, just in general I’m really bad at social situations and that leads to me having a high lack of trust in people. I can’t tell if people like me or just stick around cause they don’t want to hurt me further. At this point I really feel just awful most of the time and lonely as I no longer have time to be around my few friends. To be honest I found this website while I was searching up methods to kill myself. I honestly don’t even know why I’m posting this other than that I’m hoping beyond hope someone can make me feel better. And yes I know many people have worse problems than mine so if all you can say is life could be worse I don’t want to hear it. These are my problems that I can’t cope with and telling me I can won’t change that. I just hate feeling so miserable all the time and I want to die more than anything in the world. The problem is I’ve found out killing yourself is very very hard to do. But what I also want is to find a reason to live because I don’t want to hurt my friends or further tear apart my already pretty destroyed family. As far as meds I have tried and all they do is leave me like a zombie and I can’t function. I just need help and don’t know where to get it and the only solution I can see is to kill myself. I don’t want to feel anymore pain, I don’t want more heartbreak, I can’t do it anymore. My depression is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do.
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“These are my problems that I can’t cope with and telling me I can won’t change that.”
I really wish I could give you and myself a new, happier life. Some people are just doomed from the start by being born in a bad environment, family, and/or body with problems. And then there’s the possibly something’ll happen in life that’ll screw you up beyond repair.
I wrote 101 reasons to live and 101 reasons to die and doing that activity made me well…sure about ending it all sometime.
I don’t know if it’ll help you make your decision but just remember: Only you can decide when enough is enough. And no one can judge you if you decide you don’t want to go on.
Reasons to live:
http://suicideproject.org/?p=319936
Reasons NOT to live:
http://suicideproject.org/?p=319766
It’s nice to hear from someone who isn’t just immediately telling me I have to live because A B and C. I don’t know your situation but just the fact that someone can relate to at least the pain I’m in is comforting and also hurts cause I don’t want anyone to feel this way. I just hate having so little left I can lean on and say this is what I should live for. I find myself having reasons I shouldn’t die but none to live if that makes sense. Whenever I want to die it isn’t usually the fear that stops me as much as the pain it will cause my friends, family and the person who finds me. Guilt of death keeps me here and it is torture. I do like those 2 posts though and thanks for not judging me.
You shouldn’t hate yourself. Even if you are struggling in certain things, it’s not a reason to hate yourself. We all have our own struggles and things we’re not good at.
Don’t take what your mother says to heart. She probably doesn’t even mean these things.
I’m sorry, but it does sound like she’s not the most stable person, so i wouldn’t mind what she says if i were you.
Just because you’re a little bad than the usual at social situations doesn’t mean you can’t try and take part in them.
You did mention you had close friends and even been in a relationship.
It may have ended for now, but, it gave you some things to learn from.
You had it once, you can probably have more in the future.
I’m sure your friends didn’t mean to cause you trouble by asking the counselor for help. They probably just didn’t know what to do.
Honestly, even if you could read people perfectly, some people don’t really act the same as they speak, or think. Heck some people can’t even figure themselves out.
You can’t ever be too sure of who a person really is.
So even though you should be careful who you trust in any case, it still doesn’t mean you can’t meet and make new friends.
I can’t say i know much about the conditions you’re suffering from but i’m still sure it’s possible for you to manage in social situations, if you want to take part in them.
Just don’t worry too much and let things happen on their own, don’t think too much about reading others or figuring out their emotions much, and whatever happens happens.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if things don’t work out well, you can learn from it for the next time you try, and move on.
My social problems aren’t even half of my problems anymore. It used to be most of my depression stemmed from that and how I couldn’t make or keep friends. Now it is more the fact that I know what I’ve always been missing from seeing a bit of it through these few friendships I’ve had. It also hurts to know that I can’t 100% have what other people have in these relationships cause I have a very hard time trying to connect. So it is a combination of self-hatred, loneliness, low self esteem, guilt, and wanting to make others happier that make me want to die. I’m tired of being miserable and feeling unliked and unloved. I want to be free of these emotional breakdowns that completely consume me and leave me unable to function. I just want out but can’t bring myself to do it as of now. I’m not sure if I’m not brave enough or if it is guilt for those few who will care and get hurt. I don’t even know if these people like me or just tolerate me it’s hard for me to know. I just know that I want to die.
These things are complicated regardless. But it’s not impossible.
You can have what others have and maybe even more if you ever meet the right people or someone who might be understanding enough and try and get closer to you.
Even if not at first, as you get close to them you might slowly learn and develop what you are feeling that you’re missing there.
Every person is different so even if you could read them or detect emotions in a better way, it still takes a lot of getting to know and spending time with a person to actually learn them and figure them out.
I know it’s not your only problem but since it’s a main issue on your mind that you mentioned, i’m just letting you know you do have hope there.
You won’t be lonely forever. There are so many different types of people out there, i’m sure there’s plenty of people you can and will manage to get along with and slowly understand them better.
Even a completely healthy and social person can have difficulties with these things, if they’re in certain situations, it all depends. You never know.
That’s why i said, don’t think about it too much, just let things happen on their own.
You have no reason to feel guilty or dislike yourself. You can manage and learn to do anything even if it takes you a little extra time or effort. It’s all possible.
You’re not unliked and unloved. I’m sure there’s a people that you have there who care about you. Even if that was the case, it won’t stay like that forever, really.
Dying is hard and scary, yes, and it also might cause everything to get much much worse if you try something like that and fail.
If you’re suffering from depression and have no one close you can actually talk to, and since you have certain conditions, you should see if you can get to therapy, it might help a bit and even if it won’t it might give you at least someone you can talk to and let it all out, and maybe try and help you figure things out.
It’s hard to deal with all of this alone.