I had 4 public speaking engagements in three days, I taught a class and then went to a kick off for a charity walk. No classes this week – spring break. I still have a shitload of homework to do but I am about to leave for Niagara Falls to gamble for a 3 day vacation. I am on the Deans list with honors 4 semesters in a row but I think this class I’m taking is going to drop my GPA. So I joined a couple honor societies while I still have the GPA to be invited to these things. I need something to put on my applications to grad schools. I feel good sometimes now but when I drop, I drop hard. The anxiety and nightmares are interrupting my sleep big time. I am afraid it’s gonna flip me into a psychotic mania. That’s the worst fear even over a psychotic depression. Last time I went manic I got raped. It’s bull, as if being abused in childhood wasn’t enough. Sometimes I think I might be spawn of Satan. Or maybe God’s punishing me for wanting to kill people and myself.
Blinding secrets swallow whole
Asking for help would be to bold
Fear grips in all my sights
No longer sleeping nights
Relief washes over in bloody tears
Slicing until it releases fears
Gaping wounds fester and ooze
Nothing can’t be cured with booze
Hazy vision blurs the eyes
Still able to see a moon rise
Stupor here and meet the Prince
Nothing that He can’t convince
Make a deal upon this coin
That our souls may be joined
This offer comes only here and now
All His powers He will endow
Sacrifice, no need to worry
Quick now He’s in a hurry
The deal is made a soul is kept
Into darkness I have crept
Fallen Angel