Reasons I want to live and die

These are the reasons that I want die:

1. I’m unique
2. I have Asperger’s
3. I feel isolated
4. I will never fall in love with anyone!
5. Most people in this world suck!
6. I won’t have to be afraid anymore and my anxiety will be gone for good!
7. I’m stinky and I smell!
8. I get overwhelmed so easily!
9. Humanity keeps sinking to lower and lower lows!
10. Being naked when I hang myself makes me very vulnerable, so I need to be successful with ending my life, so I won’t be hurt anymore!
11. As the late great Wendy O Williams said, “this world doesn’t make much sense”!
12. Just thinking about suicide gives me such a strong feeling of peace!
13. Sooner or later, I will get a horrible disease and I know that because everybody will die someday!

I don’t know when I am going through with hanging myself when I jerk off, but when the time comes, I plan to go at least a couple of days without taking a shower, but preferably longer! I have my best orgasms when I stink! That turns most people off! I keep hoping that I could meet someone who has an olfactophilia who would be interested in fucking me when I stink, but no such luck! I’m smelly and I stink! I’m at peace with that and then I will get to die and then no more hurt, rejection or pain. I am going to live my life and end my life in a way that gives me the most intense feeling of peace! Even if you take a shower before you kill yourself, your decomposing body is going to stink real bad after a couple of days, anyway! I figured that I might as well be naked and stink when I die because the thought of it gives such a feeling of joy! I’m not here to talk about how “good” I “should smell”, so people will “accept” me. I’m here to share exactly how I feel for the rest of my life. I’m not interested in status or popularity and I’m not interested in who wins the football game. It’s all a bunch of fucking bullshit!

I really enjoy trains and that has a lot to do with having Asperger’s. I was riding a train a few days ago and I was thinking a lot about the day that I get to die, which will be the happiest day I will ever have! I wasn’t depressed, no anxiety and I didn’t get upset about all the things that piss me off. Tears of joy came to my eyes and I felt such an intense feeling of peace thinking that there is nothing to be afraid of, but I need to be willing to die! I know that this is the wrong planet for me and I feel such intense joy that I won’t have to be in this world anymore! I know that if I was to get diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible disease, I am going to find a way to end my life because I don’t need to go through that shit! I feel at peace and I’m not going to be willing to suffer when the time comes!

Why I want to survive this:

1. I’m unique!
2. I have Asperger’s
3. I’m a good writer!
4. I am collecting disability!
5. I can take vacations!
6. I have a cat!
7. I at least have one close friend!
8. So I can continue to watch movies!
9. I have some money saved up, but not a lot!
10. At least I have my health, for now!
11. My youtube videos

Notice that “I’m Unique” is on both lists? I hate and love myself at the same time because I’m unique! I have been bullied and tormented from so many assholes because I am unique, but being unique makes me a valuable asset to this planet, if most people weren’t a bunch of stupid assholes! Having Asperger’s is on both lists, as well. If there is reincarnation and if I had a choice, I would choose to have Aspergers because I don’t want to be like other people! Most people are common, boring and stupid and I don’t want to be like them, at all!

I am at least eligible to collect disability. It doesn’t pay a lot, but at least I have some money. I have been fucked over my whole life. Being able to collect disability is the least that I should be able to get after getting fired over and over again from employers who are impatient, greedy money-grubbing scumfucks who caused my life to be a living nightmare of shit!

I don’t get to travel as much as I wish that I could and motels are so fucking expensive, my vacations are way too short, but being able to see other parts of the country and the world happens to be part of my special interests and I am high functioning enough to travel, but so low functioning in many other ways. That’s what having Asperger’s is like for most people who have it!

Having a cat gives me a strong feeling of connection as to trying to stay alive, but although I am glad that I have a cat, the desire for me wanting to continue living any longer is getting weaker and weaker! I appreciate the cat for giving me unconditional love and he doesn’t judge, even when I’m smelly! Cats don’t get indoctrinated into believing all things that made this world the shithole that it is!

If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be able to watch movies anymore! I feel isolated and I don’t have very many friends, but it makes me feel good when I watch good movies, especially when I watch horror films with graphic violence and crude sexual humor! I really enjoy Saturday Night at the Movies by myself and although I don’t have any friends to watch movies with, I make sure that I watch a good movie every Saturday Night. I recently saw the Human Centipede-part 2 and it was one of the most disgusting movies that I had ever seen, which is why I enjoyed it, so much! I enjoy watching Jason chopping up stuck up teenagers with an axe while they are in the middle of having sex in the Friday the 13th movies! I’m not loved and accepted, so of course I enjoy watching things like that! Watching things like that has given me the will to want to stay alive! I was getting depressed while I was watching the Curse of Chucky movie because I enjoy watching movies like that, but the desire to take my life has gotten stronger and I won’t be able to watch these wonderful movies anymore! This world sucks and most mainstream movies suck! The only mainstream movies that I like are ET, the Home Alone movies and Into the Wild, which is about a guy who couldn’t stand the bullshit in this world, so he disappeared and went into his own world and basically, what he did, was a suicide!

The biggest reason I am trying to stay alive is because of the one close friend that I do have who lives in a different city. This person hates humanity, the society that we live in, mainstream common conformists assholes, just like I do! This person likes the same movies that I like with graphic violence and crude sexual humor! I really enjoy it when I have an opportunity to visit this person because I have so much in common with this person. This person can’t wait until I show them, Human Centipede-part 2! This person is my soul mate and this person is about the only person in this world that I feel connected to and at ease with! I can’t wait until I can die, but I feel so bad about putting the one person who cares about me through so much pain because I can’t stand to stay alive any longer. I’m not interested in taking my life to hurt the one person who cares about me, but I want to take my life so I don’t want to suffer in this world of stupidity anymore and I want to be at peace! I have so many interesting videos on youtube and I only want to share that with anyone privately because I don’t want people who know me that I am strongly considering suicide and in a very embarrassing way! I have a lot of train videos on youtube and my videos are so unique! There are times when I want to be able to survive this, while at other times, I want to end it! Whenever I get horny, I want to die so fucking bad! I’m not kidding! There’s no cure for this and the “treatment” is worse than the problem! I wish that I could talk to someone about this who I can trust! This is what has been going through my mind for a very long time and it might be best that I get to die from this and then I will be at peace, loved, accepted and understood in a much better world.
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