Revelation

I am constantly berated by people for my [previously] unexplainable hatred for children. Everything about them annoyed me to my core. They are whiny, immature, uncivilized, and rude. I hate the very nature of children. Go ahead and share your disapproval of my opinions of kids, it’s not like I’m used to being called every name in the book.

Today, I had a remarkable realization. I never had a childhood. I was constantly expected to act like an adult no matter what age I was. I remember a particular time where I was very ill. I was bedridden and I was complaining to my mother about my ill health. I remember my father was sent home because there was no work in the factory that day. He came storming into the living room, where I was camped out on the couch, and started screaming at me to start pulling my own weight. When I didn’t move, he grabbed my night gown, picked me up, and slammed me against the wall. I wasn’t able to touch the floor or move. I was 4. Throughout my childhood, I remember many similar  instances where I was punished for not being an adult. I never got to have silly days where I was allowed to just be a kid. I was always expected to just be this perfect adult.

I’m sure by now you’re clued into where this is going. As I sit here and watch a show about children that have died and came back to be protectors for living children in bad situations, I’m beginning to realize something. I resent, terribly, any and all children because they had a chance to be a child. I resent the fact that they had the opportunity to grow and develop with happiness and joy in their lives. I was forced to behave like an adult ever since I can remember. I don’t remember ever being able to feel like I was 4, 6, 10, 12, 18 etc. I was always taking care of my parents. I tried to play sports in school. I couldn’t. My parents needed help at home. I wanted to spend the night at a friends. No. I’d have to wake up at 1 a.m. to fix my father dinner when he got home from work. I resent the experiences children are able to have.

Going back to the show I’d mentioned, I started to wonder why I didn’t get my own guardian. Aside from that being really selfish, I started to think in rounds. My mind jumped from one topic to another and another and before I knew it, I started to notice yet another thing. Here’s a bit of backstory…Obviously, I battle with depression, anxiety, and a list of other issues. I mean, I’m on this site, so…kinda a given. I’ve attempted suicide many times and often think about how different things would be if I had died. But that’s where my second revelation came into play. I’ve never felt alive. I’ve always felt like I was sent back. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t belong here. I’m supposed to be somewhere else. That’s why I was never given a guardian. I was forgotten when I came here.