I’ve never really done this before but, here I go-?
I once had a friend. I called him Smith at times. We’ve been close since we were little. Me and him were inseparable. In late 2010 he found out he had cancer. No one told me until 2013. I pretended to know in front of other friends. He died July 27th 2014. I can’t live with myself. it’s been half a year and I can’t move on. Why? I don’t know. I ask myself this constantly hoping for an answer. Why didn’t I treat him better. Maybe I did? Elias tells me I did. But I don’t feel it. I let him down in his time of need. If I had just talked to him more. I feel like maybe, I could’ve helped him. I’m sorry this is gibberish- I’m really just writing my feelings. Suicide is a lingering thing with me since 2011. I try my best to ignore. Smith nights are my worst. I wish he’d visit me more often. We have this thing that whenever it rains, he comes. I’ll talk to him, have a laugh, tell him how I’m doing and then confess some terrible feeling. I don’t feel that overwhelming loneliness when I talk to him. Really.