i’m in a lot of emotional pain today. the loneliness is what hurts the most. at the risk of sounding ‘whiny’, i feel completely alone. i have no friends. i am not close with anyone in my family anymore. i live with my parents, but i’m even isolated from them, not like they want a closer relationship with me anyway – they’re perfectly glad to keep interactions at shallow surface-level.
all day, every day, i stay in my room with my cat. i have to be on the internet all the time to have even some semblance of connection with the outside world. i hate being so dependent on technology. but if i even shut the laptop down i start to feel more and more alone. it’s even physically painful. to give perspective, it feels like being the only person floating on a cold, dead star through space.
i feel like i’ll never belong, i’ll never find my ‘kind’. i don’t go out of the house because there’s nowhere to go. no places where i could meet anyone ‘weird’ like me. i know what most people my age are like in this town, and it’ll take a miracle to find one that won’t automatically write me off as a fat, ugly loser, which is what i’m known for being. it’s just so painful… i can’t even describe the level of pain. on a scale of 1-10 it is at least a 12.
sometimes it hurts to the point where suicide is a big presence in my thoughts. if there’s an afterlife, that’s where i’d belong – not here. if there’s a ‘home’ for me at all, that’s where it would be.
all humans need to feel loved, or at least accepted. we need a sense of belonging. so why is it that some people just belong without hardly trying, while others are made too ‘weird’ or ‘different’ to relate with anyone on a deeper level? all i want is that deeper connection. a close, affectionate relationship – romantic or not. if i had that kind of connection with just one person irl, i wouldn’t have this ever-aching hole in my chest…
9 comments
Well, that hit the feels. I thought for a long moment I had somehow written a post and completely forgotten about it. No one can ever know exactly how someone else feels, but, gods, I can relate enough. I’m not sure if it’s comforting or not to be able to tell you that you are definitely not the only one of your ‘kind’, as you say. Cold comfort, maybe. *wry*
Yeah… cold comfort. At least we’re not the only ones who feel like this. 🙁 It’s one of the worst pains…
I feel the exact same way. Most of the friends I have are online, and it’s just not the same as a normal face to face relationship. I see people with many friends and things they do with them, and I look at my own pathetic life and hate being weird in so many ways.
I only have really one online friend at the moment. I don’t expect it to last though. Over the last several months I’ve talked to many people online, what usually happens is they get tired of me. They start replying less and less, with shorter and shorter answers, until they finally slack off completely and I don’t hear from them anymore… *sigh* 🙁
im painfully alone too
It’s eery how much it feels as if I could have written this too. This is my exact situation, though I have a therapist whom I’m highly dependant on, but I have my last session with her in a few days and it’ll back to that empty coldness that defines our existance, or non-existance. I’m not sure I can get through it this time. What’s the point if we have no one to love and return our love? Loneliness is the worst kind of hell.
I can relate… I don’t have a therapist, but I have a cat (I know, pathetic) who is my only company sometimes and who I love very much. A lot of the time she sleeps on a bed in my room. However, she’s old, and now it’s just biding time before she dies… I dread the day. 🙁
The worst part of pet ownership, the time they pass away. Pets are such a positive aspect and everyone should have a pet at some stage of their life.
They become your best friend and really have the ability to help during the dark days. I hope your cat pulls through and you get a few more years together.
Nothing wrong with owning a cat. I have four of the buggers.
Same thing here. I’m in my room with my cat most of the time on my phone and just waiting to get skinny (i’m on a hungry diet) while texting to my ex wich doesn’t bother to reply back… sometimes. Started college and i don’t want to make any friends yet because most of them are pretty normal and seems to be ‘ok’ in their own situation, unlike me. I’m more of a loner than anything but I would not mind if I meet someone like me, specially with suicidal tendencies who finds suicide quite exciting and not reading in their face reaction when I tell them about me the words: “Woah, ok… better walk away from you ’cause you got some issues” instead of: “Woah, ok… you got some issues. That’s cool”
I used to draw a lot and went to a Art school and such but my complex with my body image ruined that and so many other things.
I find ‘different’ ppl very appealing and way more intriguing than others because they seem to know the shit that they been through life. Finding a solution could be fun too, for real.