A Curious Little Story

Sorry, guys, this “little story” might be a bit long for you, but maybe you’ll find something interesting.

When my parents separated, I had to move to another school, another house, another city. The changes were drastic. From the gorgeous three-floor plus balcony house we had to the new studio-type apartment barely the size of my old bedroom. From the Dad I knew and (maybe) loved, to this absolute stranger my Mom claimed to love. My problem was at home and I found ways to run away from it.

I made a ton of friends in my new school. I came home late most days, other days, I didn’t come home at all (I’d sleep at a friend’s). I even managed to convince my Mom to let me live in a dormitory, away from my family, and with my friends! No problemo!

Later on in my highschool life, I started losing a lot of friends. Since I made friends as a scapegoat from my shitty home, they weren’t very deeply forged friendships. I never really had anyone to talk to about, well, more serious things. Most especially, emotional things.  A loneliness settled into me. I ran away from this loneliness by turning to studies.

I convinced my self that “I’m not lonely! I’m just busy! Busy with a lot of damn schoolwork!” You probably wouldn’t have guessed, but I was a scholar enrolled in a premier science high school. If I was aiming for above average grades, it was certainly enough work to take up ALL of my time.

I already planned my life up from there. I’d get a scholarship for college, work a part-time job, fully dissociate from my family… All that stuff. The college I was applying for had need-based allowances for the scholars. That means, they’ll give you living allowance based on how much you need! Perfect! It was all smooth sailing until…

The results came out. I passed, and got into the college, but I didn’t meet the cut-off to be a scholar. I had no idea where to get money for tuition. Summer came, and I went back home, with plans to tell the news. But before I told the news, I got the bright idea of killing myself.

I obtained a lethal amount of a certain non-perscription drug, and planned on taking it at midnight, when every one else was asleep, an nobody would check my room. (With research, I knew it wouldn’t be a painless death, but that didn’t mean anything to me.) Just as I was about to take them, my sister, who I hadn’t talked to in years, knocked on my door. I opened it to find her crying, telling me about her nightmare:

She saw me commit suicide by drug overdose.

It was International Siblings Day then, and she stayed in my room until morning. I was able to hide the pills and tell her, “It’s just a dream, I’m not dying anytime soon.” It made me think. This was a damn crazy coincidence, but what struck me the most was that it wasn’t the first time.

When my parents just separated, I was sitting on the school’s fourth floor window (4th floor’s usually empty), ready to fling myself off when a guy yanked me away. He told me friends’ll make things easier.

When my friends were disappearing one-by-one, I was going to hang myself in the dorms when all my roommates went home. One of them had to come back, halfway through her ride home, arriving at our room while I was tying the rope. She shared her depression tip: “Study! The next test you ace’ll make you feel fulfilled!”

These coincidences have saved my life over and over again. Had the Gods rolled a different outcome, I might not be here right now.

I want this post to be that coincidence for someone. Just for me, this anonymous user from halfway across the world (???). I’m still pushing forward. Maybe you should too.