Decisions, Decisions.

I will start out with saying that I am only alive today out of spite. I have had family and friends who have tried to destroy me, and failed. I have fought to stay alive, and I have had nothing handed to me. I learned how to program, how to make more money in a month than many people see in a year, graduated high school, and survived multiple hospitalizations for various things, none of them being psychiatric. I have only lived this long because I had decided that everyone who had tried to hurt me had been my enemies, and that the greatest suffering I could inflict on them would be to make them watch my successes. Lately, that hasn’t been enough. I am no longer content with being 20 years old, making over 30,000 a month, and just paying for everything I want in life. No, I have been feeling like there is something missing. I have been seeking companionship, but that is hard. You see, I have issues trusting people after what I have been through, and I also am power-hungry to some, and Dom to others. I have the talents for getting whatever I want in life, and to have people do what I want them to do, usually without even using money. I am awkward socially, and therefor, it takes a very rare type of person to like being around me, let alone be my significant other for any period of time. I have found my favorite type of people are the Emo/BDSM/Drug crowds. I am also a drug addict, and a foreigner in this country. I have no family left, and no friends that I can really count, considering as how there are not any of them who don’t regularly ask me for something. Most of them run if I need anything. I am alone. I don’t have this religion. I find it a very hard pill to swallow, that people tell me that there is an all-powerful, good-natured god, and yet there are so many people who are dying of STD’s their parents gave them, or the children in Africa. I look around, and see a lot. It seems to me that this world is a cesspool, and that we are all just along for the ride. Not one of us have any way of knowing anything about an afterlife. Look through history, and see how many religions that there were, that pieces were taken from to make the new ones, such as Christianity. I am lonely, and I am tired. I am sick of waiting for someone to come to me, or trying to pay them. What kind of relationship do you get when you buy it? What good is a steady dose of whatever drug you like, when you know that you will just come back to sobriety, and in worse condition as well? The decision I am trying to make is what is in this mockery of an existence we call life, or if I should just end it. I mean, I have military training, knowledge of the body, an immunity to physical pain, and the tendency to go through with whatever I want until I get it, no matter how long it takes me. I have no children, no family, no friends. Decisions, decisions.