Missing you.

I don’t know where to start. How do i describe what I’m feeling? Ive never been good at expressing my pain. So I’m just going straight into the middle. Its been two weeks and three days. Two weeks and three days from when i last hanged out with my best friend. We were in the mall eating and having fun while she was with her crush who liked her back. It was such an amazing day and i went home feeling so so happy. The next day I had school and halfway through, thats when i heard the news… She died. BRAIN. DEAD. on the very same day i had seen her. The thing about hearing this kind of news for me is that it never sets in when i first hear it. Its just this huge wrecking ball waiting to hit me and i know its there but it won’t hit me yet. Its waiting for me to slowly suffer. To slowly feel the pain seep in little by little when i least expect it. That day i wrote my very first eulogy. A real one. Let me explain, the year before we were talking about death. haha, the irony. The thing is we were just fooling around so we wrote each other fake eulogies. Of course those included topics like pizza and clowns but who would’ve guessed our “funeral plans” were to come true? It’s hard. To lose the closest person to you. She was closer than my parents, my sisters, all my other friends. She was always there to listen to my rants and my stories. She was there when I questioned everything i believed in. She helped me through so so much… I saw her in her coffin that day. Wearing her favourite red hoodie and wearing make up she’d never have worn if she was alive. I always wonder why people always say “she looks so peaceful” or “she looks so beautiful”. To me she just looked dead. Lifeless. She didn’t look like what i believe to be peaceful, and her beauty was from her acts and the things she did. Yeah, she looked pretty none the less but to me, she was beautiful when she was alive. I made peace with God the day after. I accepted that she was with Him and she was happy. But even though that was done i still felt her absence. I couldn’t talk to her everyday or rant. But the times i feel her absence the most is when my parents are fighting with each other or with me and i have no one to tell it to. I used to be depressed. And have suicidal thoughts. She had helped me pull through them. When she passed i told myself i would never ever commit suicide. For her. I wanted her to be proud of me. It turned out i had a friend who had stopped self harm for her too. It helped, knowing i wasn’t alone in fighting against thoughts that often came into my mind when things were bad. We were all doing it for her. We still are. I don’t know what to do right now. But i’ll pull through. I’ll pull through so i can proudly say i did it for her when i see her again.