Trapped in my own body

they say ignorance is bliss, and for a long time i thought they were stupid. how could people who are completely unaware be blissful? Wouldn’t they thirst for the knowledge of this world.

but as I grew up, i realize more and more how true this is. How often do I now wish that I knew less, that I dreamed less, that I could be a part of this world in a way I now know I never could be.

I am a victim of my own mind. Trapped in a lifeless body yet wrecked with dreams of vivid colors and greater adventures. A spirit yearning for freedom and a chance at happiness, encased by this miserable body unable to control its own destiny. I wish i could be free of this jail, this life, this existence i built for myself. Back then, I always thought that It was my spirit that was dragging me down, the darkness in my soul anchoring me into this hellfire I breathe in daily. But now I realize, it is my very body, jailing me from flight.

Everytime I think of doing it, of freeing myself, I have always postponed it.
“Not yet…” I keep telling myself. “Not yet…”

“Have one last kiss with him. Make love one more time. Have your favorite meal. Tell him I loved him once more.”

Now it just all seems so pointless… these mind rituals I keep on holding on to for dear life. I feel braver now.. more fed up with the disappointments of life. It feels easier to just… go.

Maybe then, at least for one moment in my life, I AM THE MASTER OF MYSELF,
Maybe then, for once in my life, I could be the person who is in control of my fate, not someone else.

I am so tired of somebody else controlling my destiny.. what I can and cannot do. I am tired of living for somebody else.. of seeking purpose in this from the approval or affections of someone else.

One of these days.. I can be brave. I can finally take the freedom that has been mine all along.