I’m 31 years old, no kids, been engaged twice which failed. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and the last girl I dated decided she rather go back to being a lesbian. So usually I just hide behind Apathy and drugs. I only have a high school education, because I lack effort to do anything more. I’ve always been more of a workhorse.
Anyway…
It’s pretty awesome starting off your week after Memorial Day by losing your car. Apparently the car place felt as if they couldn’t wait till this Friday to let me make a payment, and didn’t tell me they would wait.. so they towed it while I was at work.. which getting off at 1:30 in the morning after a 10 hour shift and seeing your car magically gone really sets the mood great. What sucks almost as bad is I was really looking forward to that joint I had in my car. Oh, it’s going to cost over 600 dollars to get it back, gotta love that $250 towing fee.
Then there is the next day, where I was drug tested at my job, which of course I’ve been smoking pot among other things. Now I have to basically wait a week while they send it to the lab just to tell me I’m fired. Then again they are hurting for people, so it may be “back to rehab” I go in order to keep it. Rehab sucks, trust me. I rather just try to find another job. I’ll lose my insurance which I hardly use, but oh well. Oh, I also had a 2nd job, but they pretty much let me go because they got some new pompous dickfaced asshole who thinks he’s hot shit in there who did the scheduling and didn’t like the fact I had a main job. He reminded me of Hank Hill if Hank Hill was a pedophile that had cerebral palsy.
I felt like I could of had potential, or done something right in my life.. and usually it looks good on paper, but the follow through is very piss poor. I’m not suicidal, but I do think about hanging myself a lot. Not to mention laughing it off amongst my friends (Which the majority of them suck, like me.) that I should do it. I wish I had the grapefruits to do it, but as usual, I’m too Apathetic to even try. Did I mention my friends like to dog me behind my back?
I think the best way is just to accidentally over-dose. It just sucks when you have a high tolerance, but man I love getting rocked off an Opana. I went to a health facility because I actually had it in me to hold a loaded shotgun, but even I knew that’s as far as it would go.. I made the mistake of telling a friend (The Lesbian Ex-gf ironically) and she had to blab it to a family member, so I was pretty much pushed into going. That place sucked. I could tell they didn’t give a shit. Go to a few groups a day, write down how you feel on a piece of paper, discuss it and then I would go back to my cold ass room and sleep for hours. They were all pretty pretentious and acted pretty effortless. They tried to put me on anti-depressants.. lol..yeah, that’s not going to happen. I don’t pop pills unless it’s something that gets me high.
So now I may have to move out of the house I’m at.. which I liked, because I actually had roommates (Who are friends) that I could tolerate living with because they worked days when I would be asleep, and they would be asleep when I got home, so I pretty much didn’t have to deal with anyone.
So here I am almost 4:30 in the morning, dead sober, I get my paycheck tomorrow which will probably go up my nose, or into my veins if I’m lucky.. instead of doing the smart thing and being conservative with it. Why? Because my weak is my strong. Sure, I know people out there have it worse, but I still feel I have validation in hating my life.
There you have it. I feel it’s easier to discuss it with complete strangers because I don’t have to be looked at like an f’n idiot.
4 comments
“He reminded me of Hank Hill if Hank Hill was a pedophile that had cerebral palsy.” That line really made me laugh, I’m not laughing at you or you’re situation though.
Not sure if my comment will help at all but I don’t believe in the “some people have it worse” argument. Everyone is allowed to feel angry or sadden by their life without being told there are kids starving in the world or whatever. You’re struggling right now and you’re allowed to feel every emotion you need to feel.
A lot of people turn to drugs to help with their situation, and I don’t find it fair your job will either fire you or send you to some rehab. Unfortunately society looks at people who use drugs as criminals instead of getting to the root of the problem.
Well, I don’t blame you for not wanting to use anti-depressants. I am on them now and whenever I tell my psychiatrists they aren’t helping they would say: “Well there is no such thing as a happy pill…” -__-
Anyways, I do hope things get better. You seem like a cool guy.
Honestly I can relate so much to you. I wish I could say something actually useful or helpful, but just know you’re not alone. Not just some cliche comment, I really do mean that. I really, really do hope things work out for you in terms of your job. You honestly do seem like you have a shitload of potential, but usually the ones with the most potential have the most issues. It’s said often, but it’s true. I thought my shockingly similar shitty issues were just some shit that were related to age, but at least this showed me otherwise.
Meds fucking suck, odds are they’re either going to make you more apathetic and numb to an unbearable point or have adverse effects and make your issues worse. A lot of people tend to get more side effects than genuine good effects on them. Generally speaking for antipsychotics and anti depressants. The only thing that ever helps are benzos, but for people that pop pills to get high (me, included) it’s clear why it’s not that ideal when looking for a longer term solution. Heard they’re making a new antidepressant that’s basically ketamine, though.
Oh, and that hank hill line was gold.
Great vent! I was feeling crappy about my weekend plans but after reading your post, not so much. Everyone else will be out in the sun enjoying life, and I’ll be in my basement apartment tripping balls. The lives we lead. I can totally relate to your post. I’d say I’ve got it one step better than you because nobody knows how screwed up I am so I’m free to do as I please.
My suggestion is to get your finances in order. As good as it’ll feel to continue the cycle of drug abuse, it’ll feel so much better if you don’t have to worry about bills and such. Don’t let your life spiral out of control without a safety net. I’m not saying that life is worth living as a high functioning druggie, but like I said, less to worry about. There are plenty of easy jobs (that don’t drug test) that pay well enough to live an average life. Don’t give up and let your string of bad luck keep you down for too long. You’re not asking for much; a job and a safe place to get high. Easily attainable if you keep at it.
That’s what happens when I get sober. I tend to squabble. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my situation. I’ll get my car back most likely, I’ve invested time and money into it. I just spent this weekend doing what I do every weekend.
Hiohneh – I don’t know about “cool”, I can say I am definitely not as cool as maybe I use to be.. and even then I don’t know all about that. Don’t worry about the laughing, hell if you can get a good chuckle out of it, go for it. My drug use didn’t start from frustrations, or any kind of “bad life” situation. I just started experimenting with narcotics and personally loved the opiates the best. I’m not into the whole “meth”, and I surprisingly I wasn’t too keen on things like heroin. I just get high because I find it a lot easier to not care that way.
Exulancis – Yeah I agree, meds do suck. I turned down Paxil when they gave to me when I got out of rehab. And I tried taking the Celexa back when I went to the Mental Health Facility, but I didn’t notice anything after a couple weeks. I don’t even know if I truly feel depression anyway. Usually I will worry about an issue I am dealing with or have to do with, and then moments later after it, I just end up not caring.
tphg – I would be all about getting my finances in order, but I fail at it every time I try to. I mean for the most part I am good about paying my bills. I pay my rent on time as well as my electric, insurance, phone bill.. I just tend to blow the rest on things I don’t need, and drugs are a big part of it.
I tend to find my life and just the human race itself insignificant. I look at myself and the consistent wrong choices I make.. the lack of ambition.. I just don’t see any purpose behind it all anymore. I don’t have a problem being “nothing”, because it’s apart believing in nothing. (I’m an Nihilist.) Within my existence I am unlikely to change. I can only hope sooner than later my meaningless existence comes to an end.