So anyway, the last year or so has really sucked. My wife made up lies to the police to get me arrested and got a protection order against me to get me removed from my house. Never spoke with her for the next year, except through our lawyers since she served me with divorce papers. Now that the protection order is expired she has been talking to me sweet as can be when I go over there to pick up our son. Of course the divorce is still going forward, it should be final any day now. She’s supposedly a Christian now and she says she forgives me. She has texted me, emailed me, she even gave me a hug one time. Now here’s where I get confused, I know she’s just being civil and doesn’t want to get back together. I on the other hand still care for her and her new found niceness has created a certain longing in my heart. Am I completely insane for feeling this way or what? And, I have so many questions. Like how could she lie to the police?, how could she serve me with divorce papers without any explanation? Why did she decide to divorce me? Wasn’t a 24 year marriage worth at least trying to save or have some honest discussion about it. Our son graduates from high school in a month and she suggested that we all drive up to the ceremony together. I feel like a fake pretending that everything’s all normal when in reality she destroyed me. I really just want some answers I feel like I need answered to move on. Like, she’s never admitted to her shortcomings in the marriage-I feel like she should be asking me to forgive her too. But, I could see that discussion going bad really easily. I didn’t mean to go on for so long. I guess I just wondered if people thought I should just learn to be content with things the way they are or if I should risk pressing things further? And if I should just leave things be, how do I stop feeling like such a phony being nice to her?-I’m just still so hurt and angry at the things she did to me.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
19 comments
You’re not wrong to still have feelings for her. I think she realizes her mistake now that the major storm has passed, and from what I read, it seems she wants to apologize through actions, rather than words. Feeling hurt, upset, and/or confused about all that is more than perfectly normal. Feel free to feel that way. She was a back stabbing *****, and just because you handled it well, doesn’t mean she can just waltz back into your life and walk all over you; but in a nice way, because she finally realized her mistake. Tell her. Tell her how you truly feel. Let her know that she can’t just knock on your door with the apology basket in her hand, waiting for a donation. No. Make her realize your pain. She needs to understand the wrong in her doing. But trust me, it’s completely OK if you still care for her, even if your pain and confusion is from her. Because as they say, sometimes, the things you love the most, hurt you the most.
Hope this Helped, xx Ara
This definitely helps, thank you. You’re right, love does hurt and sometimes defies all logic.
theres nothing wrong with being nice to her. but from a distance. you wouldnt want to get wrapped up in the feeling that things can go back to the way they were before everything happened. its like getting cheated on. once it happens the trust cant be repaired even if you want it to.
Well said! I think the trust is broken and no matter how much I want it, things will never be like they were. Thank you.
Hey my brother your are a experienced person. After being so many years together in a relation she lies made u arrest and take your house. First of all if she even care for u whatever the reason she would have confessed moreover she even neither care for your 24 yrs of martial life nor she did respect.
Now u are noticing some positive changes what! are you out of your mind ? person can change externally but its really hard for them to change internally unless they get a spiritual experience or fear. Surely your wife didn’t get spiritual ones that make some sense. She seems changed by the fear of losing everything , losing roof to hide in, losing the economical protection that you have made for her, fear of being alone in her old age moreover fear of not getting love.
Your relation broke by the lies made by your wife not by the truth reason like your wife having affairs. Thats a clear sign tell her to find her new way of life n you should also get out of your thought. go in public find new life n love as there is saying that people get old by their thinking not by your age. hope for your best future
You still have feelings for her, because you are human. While you still have feelings, stay away, because you are vulnerable, and likely to misjudge and to get yourself in trouble. Don’t forget what she had done to you. You are still divorced, that means it’s over.
You’re right, it is over. I’m just still having a hard time accepting it no matter how much it hurts. Thank you.
All your questions are 100% valid. The problem is that there are no good answers. In your situation, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. On one hand, you have her being nice to you and you get to see her and talk to her. On the other hand you have all these unanswered questions as to why she did what she did. And she has not taken any responsibility for her own actions.
So you have to decide what is most important to you. If you think that being civil and getting to have contact with her is the most important thing for you, then you can’t push her for answers. If you do, you will lose that all over again.
But if you feel that getting answers is more important, then you have to try that. But you have to be prepared that not only will you lose contact with her, but you also might not even get the answers that you so desperately seek.
My advice is that you just let things be as is for now and see where they lead. Then maybe at a future time if the opportunity arises, you can slowly start to ask some questions.
In case this is my last comment on your posts, I wish you the best. Hang in there friend.
I think your comment is right on the money WL. It’s definitely a Catch-22 and I think you told me what I already know. I thought about you when I was writing this post because I remember you saying how much you would like to have just one more civil conversation with your ex. I makes me feel a little guilty whining about my situation. I think you’re probably right that if I press it, I’ll probably never get any real answers from her. I guess I’ll just have to bite my tongue to maintain the peace. Thanks WL and I really hope you can find just a little comfort and stay with us for a little while longer.
Why not keep the pretence face to face, so it’s easier for your son and just to arrange things, but start writing letters to each other and make an agreement that you never discuss anything in the letters?
That way you can still write your feelings and the other person can read it in their own time (so if it’s too hard to read, can put the letter down and come back to it later) and that way emotions can’t fly out of control because letters themselves are planned.
Make sure it’s not emails and actual hand written post. Besides wouldn’t it be nice to get some post once in a while that isn’t bills? 🙂
I think your advice to maintain the pretence is good advice BadYear. But I got a little confused about what you were saying about writing letters. I’m pretty wary about putting anything in writing, although I agree that it would be less confrontational than face to face. Maybe you could clarify what you mean for me? In any case, thanks for your input.
That’s the point, with letters, it’s proof that the other person holds, so if you discuss things about answers that you need, it will be answered in a calm manner and well written. That way you will get your answers without all the arguing that comes with it.
Does that make sense?
You wouldn’t write anything bad in a letter that she could use against you, just as she wouldn’t do the same, so it would just deal with the facts so you get the answers you need.
Hope that helps x
Oh, I get what you’re saying BadYear and it does help. The mind is a little slow sometimes. I think I will try that. Thanks for getting back to me!
No worries and best of luck. Remember no emails as they are too easy to send and write something you’ll regret. Best of luck and we are all here when you need us x
You shouldn’t feel like all this is fake pretending because you should just do things civilly and normally considering your son etc. You feel this way because she betrayed you and lied to the police and so on, threw away your marriage. But I think this might be her way of trying to fix things. She doesn’t sound super moral or fair I doubt she’s gonna make things right like you want by admitting she lied and was wrong etc.
Your in a tough spot because you feel like abrupt change is not right considering what she did to you, but she’s not going to give you closure, yet at least. Maybe in the future you can talk about what happened. In the meantime, just remain civil, what else can you do.
Thank you curfde, your words are just what I needed to hear. Your words touched on the many things I’m feeling. Betrayal, not getting any closure. And you’re probably right that she’s never going to admit any wrongdoing. So I guess I will take your you advice about remaining civil and in doing so I will try my best not to feel like a fake about it. Thank you.
It’s not “fake” because in my mind you are doing things to at least civilly preserve your family, son particularly, and the wife of 24 years you must care about her somewhat also.
I’m sure you’re seeking closure, apology, explanation and so on. And in you’re mind you hate being fake to anyone you care about at all, and also betray your principles.
I think she’s trying indirectly to mend things to a civil level, she sounds a bit immoral so you may never get an apology/explanation but maybe in the future it can be talked out without drama or defensiveness.
Anyway, what you’re seeking and feeling is completely natural and even justified, but if you’re strong enough I’d just try not to pick an impossible battle and just try to carry on. You don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to even forgive completely, but you can make things better for yourself, your kid and maybe even your indirectly sorry wife/ex.
Just for the record, a family member of mine once called the police on me and lied blatantly and said I was hitting my little cousin. I was 15, my cousin was 9, and this family member was 20, watching us on a vacation. This family member did this after I told them and their friend I wouldn’t go on a cigarette run with them for the 3rd time during the day. This is one of maybe 100 similar things this family member did to me.
So I’m not just advising you from guesswork. While our situations differ a bit, I hope you are stronger than I was and frankly than I still am and try to learn that sometimes you don’t get closure or fairness for a while at least, maybe never, and your mind says don’t betray your principles and put up a façade at all, but trust me, sometimes you have to just be civil and do your best. If it was my wife/kid involved versus this family member I’d try even harder. But boy am I stubborn. I treat my principles over most anything but I learned sometimes its best not to act on that philosophy and just think it, for the sake of my own life sometimes.
I think you nailed it curfde when you said that being “fake” feels like it’s betraying my principles. But you’re right about it being the best course of action, particularly for our son’s sake. And to be honest, I’m a little scared of her since she lied to the police. Now that I know what she’s capable of, I know she can cause me BIG problems. Thanks again curfde!