I am tired to explain my problems, but I suffer every second of my life and it’s not gonna end. I know in my heart I won’t be happy again, I personally ruined my family, friendships, love and job. All my fault, odd story but I self-destroyed myself and I can’t blame anyone but me. I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll never get back the things I lost and I can’t live without them. I have to go to end this.
On the other hand I already hurt beyond imagination the people I love, and I can’t afford to add other pain. My death would literally kill my parents both.
I am calm and cold but inside I’m scared. I cannot believe how I ruined my life, I literally feel this is a nightmare I created with my own hands, but it real and I can’t escape.
What do I do? I’m stuck, I’m trapped, I’m I’m hell. I cannot talk with anyone because I already did and it made things worse for me. It has been the talking about it that snowballed the all thing down. With colleagues and friends I am the ‘disabled one’ now, and people is getting sick of me. I was so open with my family about my pain that I dragged father down in sorrow and now fell in deeper depression than me, because he loves me so much that it killed to see me in so much pain (now I see how I exaggerated talking to get attention, when there was no need to, as he always been so much caring). I am in therapy but it doesn’t help, the pain is coming from the losses I achieved with my own hands. Now I see I am an awful and immature person, I had everything in life and I couldn’t handle it. I am disgusted by myself and I wasted a wonderful life not everyone is lucky enough to get.
I cannot just suck it up and pretend to live my life as normal (how I’m trying to do now to don’t worsen things). I have a limit to the pain I can take I guess. I am afraid I will slowly get insane or something like that. I’m 26. I am getting addicted to alcohol to ease the pain to sleep. My mind is constantly thinking how I ruined my life, keeps living in the past in the moments I did the worst mistakes. Waves of sorrow paralyse me few times a day, and when it happens I became unable to interact with the world for few minutes. I can’t afford further therapy and I work full schedule all week so I can’t really start yoga or any of this things, and it wouldn’t help. Every thing I do it gets worse. I cannot stay away from my family to not hurt them, but it is painful to see what I did to them. I cannot withdraw from friends because it would make me lonely, but it is hard to pretend to be good and they all notice I’m not that same me anymore and they asks questions but I cannot explain. I cannot quit my job cause I have a mortgage and after all is the job I wanted to do, but I cannot find any motivation and I am starting to under-perform, and if I got fired then I’m economical troubles too.
I really don’t know what now…
9 comments
It’s like you read my mind and wrote it down for me… I’m so sorry as I know how painful it is that you want to scratch away your own skin… Are you on any medication?
No I’m not, I cannot take them because the side effects would affect the problem that make me freak out in the first place and I know he’so right. I don’t know what to do.
It makes feel so so bad think of ending my life but it makes feel worse think to carry on this hell.
I took few planes in the last weeks and I deeply hope they crashed. There’s no way out of this and I PUT MYSELF INTO IT. I can’t believe what I did. Why I did it… What the hell have I done… the pain is so strong I need to drink to ease it. But every time alcohol goes I feel worse… I see catastrophe coming…
Ok… So I went back and read all your posts and it’s so sad what has happened…. And how quickly you are falling…. The only things I can say is of course your family will be upset if you are sad… Don’t think that’s it’s your fault, there are things that will make people sad everyday and being a parent comes with the cost of being sad for your kids if they are not happy… Yet signed up for kids… Not you… And this is sadly just a part of some people’s lives….
And maybe your relationship didn’t work because you are a different person now you are suffering from depression…. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be new people to date… Being depressed doesn’t make you a worse person to date, but different, so maybe your sensitivity levels are no longer in line with your ex’s, but there will be others that it will perfectly match and that person will have a better effect on you (not feeling bad for showing your depression openly…)
I know it’s desperate right now, but from every story I read on here today, yours is the one that I think most will have the ability again to climb…. It’s not been so long and so this time in your life doesn’t have to be a lasting mood… And one day you might even look back and not even remember how bad it felt as you feel now… Just you have to be patient… Which is almost impossible when you suffer so much, but for your parents and everyone who loves you I am sure you will find the strength… Live another day 🙂
Thank you friend.
As you can imagine my mind won’t believe that it will get better even if I try hard. I am not saying this out of depression, I’m saying it out of the reason I have in the few moments the pain slows (without alcohol).
A lot of depressed people self medicate with alcohol… So this is normal that you are doing it, but as you know, can be dangerous as it gives you the confidence you might otherwise not have….
I hate being on medication, but I am quite severe that I literally cry all day and sometimes can’t make it out my room, that I have no choice (I was a year ago pitching to board members for some of the most famous and rich companies in the UK and now I am this…)…
What I think is your biggest problem at the moment is trying to hide it… That’s why it’s good that you have this place to speak…. But like most people, you rely on those near to you and you tell them so you don’t feel weird… The problem is it makes you feel worse because no one can understand it unless they have been depressed before….
You have to keep talking about it in places like here, or I don’t know if there are groups you could go to near where you live? I’m sure in london there would be places to meet people… You need to understand it better, and accept it better… There was nothing you could do to stop this happening…. It is not your fault…. Just it’s life…. Shit happens to good people… Just keep reading and learning about it so you can start to see how normal it is and that many people live with this good lives, you are just starting to understand it and soon you will have to start learning to control it… But baby steps…. You’re doing good…. 🙂
Thank you, it is the first time in a long time I feel listened and slightly understood. If you feel to talk a bit with me to share your experience or how you feel I can give you my “anonymous” email address. I need someone to talk to…
In this moment I’m just back from the gym, where I met her and a lot of happy ad motivated people. I was feeling so bad that I had a very hard time pretending not to be, and in the end I threw up…
I don’t want another day like this to come. I wish I believed in God so I could have prayed to take my life in the sleep… Unfortunately I don’t believe in any deity, and in my opinion the only thing that will follow my death will be my parents’ unbearable suffering.
Hey sure. I just created an anon email address… Lmoa122333 at g mail dot com if you want… Sorry, I fell asleep…
Think you..
No worries and excuse the weird name I chose fr the email… Not sure why I picked that… Lol