I wish I could overcome this cowardice

I’ve always dealt with suicidal thoughts but over the last month or so they have become omnipresent and overwhelming. I’ve come very close to jumping off a bridge or hanging myself a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, emboldened by alcohol, but I get so fucking chicken shit I haven’t been able to bring it off. I feel like I need to do this but I’m just so afraid of suffering EVEN MORE. I’m afraid of the same thing that is appealing about it all to me…the FINALITY of it. I’m so exhausted by living like this. I wish I could work up the nerve to end it.