I don’t know if I can handle this anymore… I’m tired of the way I’m living right now; I have so much on my chest right now, I want to let it all out.
when I was 5, I went to a Christmas Eve party at my cousins house. I was very bored so my mother told me to go find my brother that was with my cousin in his room. so I went over there and they were playing video games. I felt sleepy so I decided to go on the bed to rest. As I was laying down, I didn’t realized what my cousin would try to do when my brother was in the same room. He got on the bed and went underneath the covers where I was at. He took my hand and made me touch him; I tried to remove my hand from where it was at and when I moved it, he grabbed my hand tighter put it back right where he put it the first time and wouldn’t let go; I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call out to my brother or to anyone outside of the room cause I lost my voice from being frightened. I had to endure this for 5 minutes and that was when his mother walked into the room. All she saw was him under the blankets with me but nothing else and I was to afraid and confused about what was occurring to say anything about it. From thereafter, I , for a 5 years, had a phobia of boys or older boys coming to close to me (physically). I never told my family about it; only two friends cause I had my old phobia reappear last semester in Gym class while they were next to me. As I grew up, the phobia and trauma started to fade little by little, but the memory was still there, cause every holiday, I get to see my same cousin walk up to me, acting like it all never occurred, hugging me very tightly, and I then put on a fake smile that makes me feel even worse. To this day, every time I look at my left hand, I just want to cut it off, thinking it would help me get rid of my horrible memory. Growing up , I was always bullied at school, and I hid it from my family and the few friends I had that didn’t know that it was occurring. I went to middle school, and I fell for one boy after the long years of my phobia; I told him I liked him in 8th grade, which was 3 years later, and he didn’t give me a response. On the day of his birthday, he asked me out and pretended to be all caring towards me, but it was all a lie. When I wasn’t around, when ever someone asked about our relationship he told them that he was only going out with me because his friends force him to. when I found out this, I was devastated. My depression and anxiety from everything from elementary and beginning of middle school hit me. He found out that I knew what he was saying to people and that I was sad; which a week after we started going out, he broke up with me over text messaging on a Friday afternoon. I locked myself up in my room and cried out all of my tears. I started to cut my self. a few months later, I stopped cutting, but now scratches my arm really hard until I see blood dripping down my arm. My parents never notice anything…and I lost all on my friends around that time…. so I was always alone. In now in high school, and I have so much on my mind… in gym last semester, a bunch of people who acted like my friends, turned against me…bullied me… threw broke pencils, pens, markers that bleed everywhere, and paper… called me a whole bunch of names … poured food that looks like throw-up all over my things at school and all in my school bag and my clothes, jacket, and gym uniform…. I started scratching my arm even more… until one point, I was in the bleachers and I started to cut my arm with sharp plastic that they threw at me… my cousin , jasmine ,who seen what was occurring stopped me and cursed them all out and threatened them… a few weeks later, the bully stopped, but the pain didn’t…. I now have like 30 friends, but I don’t really trust them… I go to school everyday putting on a fake smile… the only time my smile isn’t fake and i’m actually happy is when i’m next to my boyfriend. i truly love him with all my heart but would he hurt me the same? would he lie and break my heart? … im sooo scared that I will be hurt again.. will I ever feel more loving towards my self? will I learn to trust again?… its all I think about these past few months… its all swirling around in my head right now and I feel like im suffocating….
to all who is reading this, if my story is bothersome towards you in anyway, Im sorry…im very sorry.. but if I didn’t say anything at all….. I would be swallowed whole by all of this and more, and I would turn to the worst way possible to solve my problems……………….I would feel suicide is reasonable, and right now, I want to live not die. I want to hope for something better for myself.
5 comments
Hi VioletRabbit911,
thanks for sharing your story. There are good people out there who don’t want to hurt you and will be there for you. I hope you have the strength to find them and to take risks and open up to people.
Held
Actually, not trusting people completely is not such a bad thing. If you think about it, every person you meet has the potential to cause damage, and so do you. But here’s the thing, when people goes the extra mile to earn your trust, and prove to you that you can actually trust them, it’s a whole different story. Sure, they can still hurt you in the long run, but the chances are a lot less than if you where just trusting everyone without giving it a second thought. Keep in mind tho, there’s a difference between not trusting people and shutting them out completely, and it’s easy to fail at finding a good balance (but not impossible).
Due to what you describe is understandable why you have problems trusting people, and I’m sorry about all that you’ve gone through, but like Held says, yup, there’s still good people that will be there for you, but like most things in life, it’s a gamble. It’s always a risk when you trust someone, but the good thing about risks if that at times they do off. Maybe you could look for some professional help as well, even if it’s only to vent and let go of those memories that still haunt you. Repressing things like that is just a recipe for having them surface later on life.
Not a bothersome story at all. I think it’s great that you’ve found a place you can put this out to and feel OK about it.
The fact that you’ve got that little spark of hope is really great. Keep pushing, you will come out the other end. I can guarantee it.
When I was in school I never had any social skills. I’d do really stupid stuff if it got people to interact with me, that was my idea of socialising. I’d cut my arms or get into fights with the teachers. I’d just leave school and run errands for people. Thought they were my friends but I was just being used. They’d often turn on me and bully me straight after, but I’d put up with it because I thought they were my friends.
It got so bad I suffered a nervous breakdown and was out of school for a year and a half, had to leave home and live with my grandparents as my parents could no longer handle me. In the middle of the maelstrom I felt like that was my life and it’d never end. The good news is I was wrong, it does. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Those people will grow up to regret their actions, something you won’t have to go through. Karma will always loop back around eventually.
There are good people out there, they may be few and far between but they are out there. Your scepticism isn’t a bad thing, and is just one of the many tools you’ll come out of this experience with that many others won’t.
Hang on to that spark of hope, it’ll serve you well. All the best. 🙂
Maybe he will hurt you, maybe he won’t. Either way speaks more to him than you. There are some amazing people out there. But they seem hard to find. Keep in mind, everyone in highschool is going through changes, hormones, stress.
You have friends here, people who can understand, who will listen and not judge no matter what.
“There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity…”
There is Always someone there when you think there isn’t. I just recently finished High School, I was absolutely dreadfully miserable while attending. I had such a hard time dealing with people, and people don’t seem to realize the extent of the damage they can cause. Always trying to make someone hate themselves, as if that’s some sort of empowerment. In reality it’s pathetic.
I knew that the friends I had weren’t real nor genuine, and at the time it did hurt, but I suppose now that I am finished I realize that none of it matters… none of it matters.
Because
The flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.