This is what I thought.

I am a writer, as most are on this page. I came across this page completely by accident but I guess it wasn’t. I am 16 years old and way to young to be thinking about this topic to some. To me I think that at around this age you are trying to figure out where you belong and what people best suit you. I have been bullied which applys for a lot of people. A lot of people have left mentally and physically and there was and is nothing I can do about it. I thought that maybe I can make a difference with the few friends that I have but not even I can help. My parents are there but they aren’t at the same time. They love to drink and smoke cigs and I have a hard time dealing with that seeing as though they look older than they are and I love them. My best friend has been ready to die since November but keeps going because of me and the thought that maybe she could be happy because I have etched that into her head, even though I think the opposite for myself. Even when I have I am so afraid that I am going to wake up with a text saying goodbye.. I had a loving boyfriend who I loved with my all and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have my bestfriend as my boyfriend but he had a drug problem only 150 days sober and ptsd from shit people physically threatening his life.. I couldn’t help him and he broke it off with me. I have friends at school but I am not sure how to talk to them about this and I am afraid of what they would think of me after. I usually don’t care but with them I do.. Finally I have one friend who I love, she moved here from Ecuador and I don’t want her to worry about me because she has enough on her plate and I don’t think that I could be helped with my depression. I have pills for it and I don’t know if it is helping very well. I have thought about suicide and when the waves of complete and utter sadness and desperation come I think about how wonderful it would be to end it right here right now. But I know that those are waves and I can’t act out of whim. I can’t end it. I can’t. I have my little brother that I have to be there for. I have my family and then my ex who would probably get worse if he heard that I killed myself. If he cares.. I have no right to say I want to go cause all these people love me that are still in my life. I just feel hopeless and I am tired of seeing my loved ones in such pain and all of the lies and injustice in this world that just make me utterly hopeless and helpless. I can’t help anything . I promised my ex that I wouldn’t cut and I broke that promise last wednesday and that is how I knew that I was still there and not numb but I completely lost him. I hurt a lot of people and let them down. I don’t break promises but this one I had to and I am paying the price for it. To most I have such a bright future but to me life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.