Too Young To Feel This Way

At the age of 14, in my first year of highschool, I tried to take my life. I hid under a bridge, without anyone knowing in the morning on October 27th, and I swallowed 60+ pills. The pills were pills that I was prescribed to from my doctor. Before all this, I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I had thought that I would get better, but seemingly, I did not. So, that morning, I took pills, and waited. My legs were numb, and I was freezing cold. My whole body was slowly shutting down, and I could feel every little part of it failing to fight for life. After a half an hour, I texted my friends and said goodbye. I told them I was sorry, and I also said thank you to them for their friendship. One of my friends went to the office at the school… and they got police called to try to find me in time. They called my dad, who was still at home, and my dad called my phone just in time. My plan was to shut my phone off and throw it into the water, so the police wouldn’t find me, and my friends would stop calling and texting me.
My dad found me underneath the bridge, and he carried me home because I was too weak to hold myself up. Even under the bridge, I was sitting down and rocking myself back and forth as much as I could.
When I was brought home, police showed up, and an ambulance put me on a stretcher and put me into the ambulance. I was hooked onto oxygen and they had a blood pressure thing on my arm. They began to take my heart rate and such on the way to the hospital. I was so scared. I begged them to let me die, yet, the words didn’t come out of my mouth. When I was at the hospital, they hooked me up to a heart machine. There was a wire hooked to my right side of my chest, and my left. On my hips they also put the same wires, and on the left and right sides. They took away the oxygen. They put an IV into my hand to try to get my heart back to normal pace.
My Mom and Dad both showed up in my room, they looked so scared, and it really just made me feel even worse, and even shittier than I already felt. I felt so useless, and alone.
The nurses brought in some charcoal, and I had to drink it. I didn’t have a choice.
I stayed the night there by myself, and I had a restless sleep, with no peace at all. I was alone. In a dark hospital with broken thoughts that would take too long to repair.
The next morning, I was transported to another hospital with a mental health care program. Where I live, if you try to commit suicide, you have no choice to stay at this program for 3 days. So, I was going to.
I had my own room there, my own bed, and a desk. There were other people there too. People with eating disorders, self harm issues.
I have self harmed since grade 5 . I am happy to say now, that Im about 5 or 6 months clean. The longest Ive gone.
I spent a week there instead of 3 days. They had schooling there, and a kitchen and a library, and video games and all sorts of fun things to do while you were there. Through this time, I really just tried to get the phone.
When I came home, I was very different. It sounds strange, I suppose to say that I am changed in an undescribable way.
Today, I am a strong, independent woman, who couldn’t care less about the scars littering my arms and what people have to say about me. I am stronger now then I have ever been. I am wiser, happier, and much more lively. To this day, when I walk by that bridge, I smile alittle, because unlike the time before, I’m on top of the bridge now, not underneath it.
I’m still working on my mental illness, and I still take medication for it as well. But I feel better already now.
I have dreams to be a singer and a writer, and I wouldn’t have been able to be able to reach some of my goals if I had died..
I’m writing this because I wanted to share it with everyone. I have no shame in my past anymore. I accept who I was, knowing that I’ll never be that person again.
For you- reading this, you are worthy of life. You are worthy of getting better. It’s not easy, it never will be, to be honest, but I promise that the more you push to get better, the more you will feel it positively affect your life in more ways than 1. You are worthy of a life. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to comment on this, of contact me in some other way. We are in this together.