When I was younger, in the grades of 2 to 4, crazy used to mean funny, or silly. As I’ve grown older, I’m still labeled as the crazy one. But it has a whole other meaning now. Being called crazy really sucks. I can’t get away from it, it doesn’t matter how hard I try to.
I’m not crazy. I’m a girl who has a mental illness. Sure, sometimes, I ask myself if I really am crazy. But I know I’m not. There is nothing wrong with me, besides the depression, self hate and anxiety. I am a human like everyone else, yet I find that I am being brought down everyday for being different from everyone else.
I feel deeply. That’s my problem. I feel so deep that little things can hurt me, and I can’t help it that I am so sensitive. It’s a negative as much as it is a positive. I’m able to care a lot deeper about things, is the way I look at it. I’m able to sit back and think about things for hours on end. It gets annoying, but I deal with it. I live with it, and I don’t have a choice. There is a reason I’ve been holding on for so long, I just need to remember that sometimes.
I’ve been labeled as crazy since grade 7, when people really started to take notice of my self harm. I went ballistic, and I broke down screaming and crying in my classroom. I guess what I’m really trying to say is I hate being called crazy.
I am not crazy. I am a normal person living with a disease. I am a person who feels deeply.
I try to tell myself this all the time. I try to tell myself that my mental illness is not me, but I cant shake it off. It’s a part of me now. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t sad now, and that’s how I know that I’ll never be able to live without taking meds. My illness is me.
I’ve seen a lot of posts on SP about how your mental illness isn’t you. But it is. All these things going on in my mind are because of me. It is me. I can control it, but most times, I can’t. I try to take the high road, but sometimes, I have to take the path below the river for a while.
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it is all in my head.
I am not crazy. I am sick.
2 comments
I love what you said about feeling deeply; I know what it’s like to be upset by small things, and have others judge you for not feeling the same way. I like to believe that people who feel the most pain can also feel intense happiness, love, and sympathy, more so than most others. I hope you learn to live with your condition, and try not to let the pain overshadow your joy. Never surrender to it, and never be ashamed.
And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re crazy – you’re an individual, and that scares a lot of people.
i want to say THANK YOU you toke the word’s right out of my soul my family “joke’s” that im on crazy pill’s and they know i hate when they say that .i say iam on happy pills i love them to much and sometimes i think they don’t love me at all bc if they did they would not say things that hurt me.i cant work right now and it make’s me feel worthless like cant do anything right .i thank god that u are here bc u have helped me see iam not alone soo thank u.