In my previous post (my first) I gave my whole story. And…I know I’m committing suicide by overdose. It’s just, the timing is the question. Well…I’m at a family friends house watching their pets while their away for a while. And last night I was in their master bathroom looking for nail clippers because part of my nail got ripped off and I needed to trim it down. In this search I found vials of severe pain medication. One of the vials was opened and some taken out of it. I tried to fight my internal demons, and won…for only a few hours. I used 5 units, or roughly 1/10th of a cc/mL to test it out to see how much it effected me. Now I’m having an internal battle of if I’m going to take the vials or not. If I do, I know I have to commit suicide shortly after because I don’t want to get into trouble for stealing. Then earlier today I was looking for cleaning products to clean up my mess from doing paintings with soft pastels (kind of like chalk) and it’s very very messy. And, I found unused 3 cc/mL syringes. (In my previous post I talked about taking syringes from my previous job and trying to commit suicide by injecting air into my veins. Well, I only have 1 left now because my mom found the others and took them from me because she thought I was using drugs.) I took 2 of the unused ones out of maybe a dozen. But I haven’t taken the vials…yet or if I even take them. It’s just so hard having your demon in your hands, and the bipolar/depression whispering in your ear these sweet seductive things that you know in your heart you shouldn’t do.
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4 comments
It’s good that you’re fighting. That means you still want to live. I will say this, I don’t believe your suicide attempts will succeed. You’re VERY likely to fail, especially if you try to overdose. If you need professional attention, there are avenues for you. If you seriously intend to kill yourself, please know you’re not likely to succeed in these methods; and your failure in any such attempt would likely put you in a worse position than you are currently.
AgentQ,
I’ve actually worked in the medical field. I’ve learned a lot since about medication overdose. And the best way is to take a cocktail of medications that cause your CNS to slow down. Add alcohol and you die from respiratory failure.
PLUS, if it does fail, I have a DNR or do not resuscitate order with a DNR bracelet which EMTs are trained to look for medical alert jewelry. And I will also have my DNR paperwork laying next to me and they legally have to follow my orders. Even if I am not awake. So if I am in a coma, or near death state and need CPR, they can’t.
Wow…finally some good advice from AgentQ. Another reason not to do it is that bipolar/depression can be dealt with nutritionally. Generally, it’s how it starts and there are easy things to do that help and that have been shown scientifically to help almost overnight. Vitamin D3 (along with sunshine) and liquid fish oil. You can google both.
The issues that aren’t easy to deal with are situational issues like divorce, bankruptcy, health (cancer) etc. These issues don’t get resolved with lemon oil or fish oil.
Put the syringes away, please for your sake and for the people whose house you are sitting. Don’t bring them into this. And get more exercise, eat better, get natural vitamin D and try the fish oil and google any of this if you need it. I am not belittling your anxiety/depression but it’s curable in a relatively short period of time.
xo
There’s only one problem. I’m working out. I’m taking vitamin D because if deficient. I’m taking vitamin B12 because I’m deficient. I’m taking my mood stabilizers, my anti depressants, my xanax.