I think I may have cancer. I found what could be a lump. Of course it could be lots of others things. Or nothing at all. The rational thing would be to get it checked out. But a part of me thinks ‘If it is cancer, then that’s for the best. Let it spread.’ It would be a way out. I wouldn’t have to commit suicide. I wouldn’t have to do that to my parents. They wouldn’t be left with all the anger, confusion, and bitterness that suicide brings. There’d still be grief, but they could find closure and move on. I could talk to them about it before I died. Help them make peace with it.
Another part of me thinks that’s stupid. Even supposing the growth is cancerous, how long is it going to take to spread enough to finish me off? And that’s got to be a pretty unpleasant way to go, even if I can get pain relief.
And a part of me still desperately wants to live. To be normal. To be happy. To have real friends. To have a partner. To raise a family. But I can’t. I can’t open up to anyone. I can’t let anyone see who I really am. Because the real me is hideous, and unforgivable, and worthless. There’s no way back for me. No future version of me that can be accepted, no matter what I do from here.
I’m 27, and I’m on the outside of humanity, looking in. And it hurts. I get to see everyone else having relationships, enjoying each others company, raising families, pursuing careers. I get to talk to them about it, and pretend that I have some hope of a life too. And really I’m just this hollow shell, treading water, waiting to die. I’m a ghost. A nothing. A waste of oxygen. How can you live, knowing that?
It hurts so much.
8 comments
“that’s best for me. let it spread” Yeah, you say that now.
I know, it seems like I’d regret it if I actually died of cancer. But at the same time, I don’t think I can go on living like this. I have no long term future, no real life. I’m stuck on the edges, and it’s so painful.
So… Even if it is cancer, it could take decades to end you (chances are it is benign, if you notice growth in weeks/months, probably not). But I get your gist 😀
Well, I can’t speak to if you are “hidious”. All I can say is I feel that way sometimes too. If your writing is any indiction you’re not. I’d love to hear more from you.
I don’t think it’s just me feeling hideous. I know a lot of people have self esteem issues and distorted feelings of low self worth. I really do think that any sane person, knowing the entirety of who I am and what I’ve done, would be repulsed, and want nothing to do with me. I think I’m an objectively shitty person.
I can write decently, and manage a degree of self awareness at times, which is unusual for terrible people. But a self aware monster is still a monster.
The question is, how does a self aware monster live with itself, knowing what it is.
theres no harm in getting it checked out. no one can force you to do anything about it if it is cancerous.
I would find out, know where you stand. Allowing it to go untreated can mean a very painful death. I do, however, know how your feel. I used to pray for cancer, an honorable way to die. I used to pray that I could take on the cancer of someone who whats to live, like perhaps a mother with children. But the Universe doesn’t work that way. If part of you still wants to fight for a good life, I’d say get it checked, know where you stand, and go from there.
I wish you all the best for figuring out your future.
Love,
Vedura
I guess I think that if it got to the stage where I was afraid of it getting too painful, I could always arrange a quicker and less painful method of suicide. Then I could use fear of a painful cancer death to explain it to my parents in a note (without hurting them by letting them know why I really wanted to die.) But maybe that’s delusional.
I don’t think I have it within me to fight. Like I said, there’s no way I can see to a meaningful life, no matter what I do from here. All that’s left is pain.
Thank you for your good wishes.
Coming from an objective, disinterested point of view (that does NOT mean I wan’t you to die) but if you find out if you have cancer or not, you can then have a choice to either accept treatment or not … but if you don’t accept treatment you can also find out what will speed up the cancerous growth or slow it down. This could be “helpful” information whichever direction you choose to go … also wouldn’t it be better to know if you have cancer or not instead of wasting time “hoping” you have cancer? Knowledge is power – it gives you options that let you plan and prepare.
strategy dawg