I am not sure who is going to be reading this, or really why it is that you’re on this website and that you’re reading this, but hello. I hope that whoever you are and wherever you are that you’ve managed to have a relatively good day today.
My name is Mark Owens. I am not afraid to “reveal” my identity because I no longer wish to remain anonymous; I’ve been doing that my entire life. I am currently 19 years old and I live in the metro-Atlanta area, and beginning in the fall I’ll be starting my junior year of college as a Music Education major. In fact I already work as a music teacher at a store; I give private lessons for piano and guitar. Outside of that I have two parents that try so very hard to love and support me, and plenty of friends that would do just about anything to ensure my well-being and happiness. I have been told by many, many people that I do nothing but bring joy into their lives. So why then, would I be on a website about suicide? Why would I have any reason to feel anything other than blessed?
Because it’s all bullshit. It’s all a bunch of fucking bullshit. Not a single one of those people knows who I really am, what I’ve really been through, what I’ve really done, and what I really feel and think about. Nobody does.
I was sexually abused whenever I was 5 years old, and it was very, very aggressive. Because of that I was exposed to sex very young, and I would desperately try to work out my curiosities by acting sexually towards other boys and girls, admittedly even towards my own older sister when I was younger. By the age of 9 I was regularly viewing both straight and gay porn, and by the age of 10 I was masturbating an unusual amount. By the age of 15 I was having sex, and now that I’m 19 I’ve lost track of my number of sexual partners, both with men and with women. I have cheated on partners, I’ve had sex with people much older and younger than me, and I’ve even been sexually engaged with the mother’s of friends. Needless to say, I am hopelessly addicted to sex, and I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t even hoped that some other people on this website would be similar to me and be willing to give me their number to talk. Because the truth is that I so desperately want to be wanted, and I want so desperately for somebody else to be like me; to love and crave all things sexual all the time, with no guilt or remorse.
Although I do feel guilt, an ungodly amount of guilt all of the time. People seem to universally love me, but they’re not aware of the monster that eats away at my insides every single day that I’m alive; I constantly, CONSTANTLY feel like a disappointment, a burden, a manipulator, and a home-wrecker, and not a moment goes by that I don’t wish I was dead so that other people wouldn’t have to suffer at my hand.
Speaking of death, I think about it constantly; I was recently diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and a part of that is the inability to stop thinking about unwanted thoughts, which can range from killing people to being killed to blood and gore to sexual lusts and fantasies. The thoughts I have are almost like dark, morbid movies playing on repeat over and over and over AND OVER again in my mind. Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes it go away.
To this date I have had 3 suicide attempts; 2 by drowning and 1 through an overdose only 2 weeks ago. I am to the point that I don’t know what else to do or who else to talk to, so I figured I would write about it on here. I’m attaching a picture of myself; I am a pretty big drumline junkie, so excuse the massive drum. I just wanted to put a face to these words to make it more human.
Please talk to me if you could. As openly or as privately as possible, and about anything
.
(That’s me, by the way).
6 comments
Hey mark, i feel as though i can relate to a lot of the things you spoke on. If you dont mind talking.. Email me, nothingexists@live.co.uk
I sent you an email. I’d really, really like to talk with you.
You’ve heard of the nature vs. nurture debate, right? Are people intrinsically programmed to be a certain way, or do they become who they are based on past experiences?
I think it’s a combination of the two. You experienced a traumatic event at a very young age. 5 year old children (in my opinion) shouldn’t be having sex. They should be doing other stuff. But you sort of got “programmed” or “de-tuned” early in life and now sex is a way for you to gain validation. I’m not a psychiatrist and I’m not saying that you’re “warped”, because it sounds like you’ve got a moral compass, I’m just saying you might need some help getting back in tune.
You realize there’s a problem. I guess the next step would be finding a way to correct it. (Maybe talking to a sex addiction/child abuse therapist)? Good luck.
I think it is really cool how you are in college and already a music teacher. You’re really handsome as well. That and music makes you really attractive I think. I don’t do shit, and I’m fat. I’m 20 and in college as well with a major in Psychology. I watch tons of porn and would love to have sex, but I haven’t yet. I fantasize about it all the time though, that’s probably as much as I can relate. I can’t relate to you being sexually abused either. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve tried to kill myself too, and the aftermath is rough. Although I am not ideal, you’re welcome to chat with me if you want.
Hey, I am about to email you. If that’s okay with you.
Mark… I’m in college for occupational therapy. I’m 18. I was physically abused and currently work my ass off as a housekeeper. I’m just trying to make it one day at a time. You have a lot going for you, but you’ve been in such a shitty situation. I hope you find your way out of this hole. Email me if you need to talk. It’s always nice to have someone who can relate.. Or at least try to relate.. To what you’ve been through. I hope tonight finds you resting easy and tomorrow brings some form of happiness your way. Good luck.
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