Death doesn’t matter

I have suffered with depression and suicidal feelings for as long as I can remember, but something has always held me back when it comes to ending my life.

I have made several attempts, but have failed so far.

I can’t be bothered to write about what has happened to me, because I have tried every form of therapy there is and it doesn’t work and I have never really felt any other way.

I’m just fed up with the lack of understanding, the patronising advice given by therapists and family  and the accusations of self-pity or attention seeking with regards to suicide.

I don’t feel sorry for myself, in fact I don’t really feel at all and as for attention seeking, well fuck that. I’m not planning this because I want pity or attention, I want to be left alone and this is the only way to make that permanent. I can write this on here, because from the posts I have seen, people here generally seem to think the way I do and this is the only place I feel comfortable writing this.

I don’t fear death. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I believe we return to the state we were in before birth, ie a non existence. Basically what I mean by that is I won’t know I’m dead so it won’t matter.

My planned methods to make sure this time are either the exit bag or ********.

I have tried cutting, overdoses and drinking bleach, but they all went wrong and only caused more physical problems. I would prefer something pain free and unlikely to leave me alive and brain damaged or with other physical disabilities, which is the last thing I need.

******** is incredibly hard to find and there are a lot of scams out there, so I would appreciate some advice if anyone has any.

The exit bag is also increasingly risky as helium canisters in particular are now often being sold with lower rates of helium and higher rates of oxygen, due to the growing number of suicides with this method.

I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas from like minded people.