Im so scared I dont know what to do……I’ve been in chronic pain now for 10yrs after a car accident made me have to have spine surgery. My life was great until that point……I was in college getting ready to graduate next quarter and I was working for a doctors office doing the work that I was in college for.
After the surgey I was unable to continue with class/work since it was excruciating to sit or stand for long periods of time and I would get horrible spasms and nerve damage caused a lightning type pain to run from my buttox down to my foot.
Well skip forward a few years and I’m 25/26 yrs old living with parents and living off of the $710/month that I get from SSI….(I cant get regular disibility because I didn’t have enough work credits because I was soo young and would’ve had to work a full time job since I was 10yrs old to have enough work credits for regular Social Security Disibilit).
Needless to say I was already depressed. In 2008 my unle passed away from pancreatic cancer, 4 months later my grandma passed away, August 1, 2011 my dad passed away from leaukemia and in 2013 my boyfriend of 6 yrs passed from an od. I had been in a deep depression so bad that I started to abuse my painkillers as well. And to top it all off my health is failing now due to my lungs……I have copd at 33…doctors told me I have the lungs of an 80yr old man….more than once by 2 seperate doctors and also thay found an anomaly on my lungs.
I’m to afraid to get it checked out and I’ve been slipping even further into substance abuse and I recently was in trouble with the law because of it. I’m soo scared to go to jail as I havent been back to court yet and I’m just even more depressed and I hate myself and feel soo ashamed of my actions and the hurt that I’ve caused my poor mom-she is all I have in the world and I dont know what to do. I miss my dad and my boyfriend, we were together 6 yrs I mean wtf?
I’m so terrified now that I dont know what to do. I keep thinking my mom will be better off without me and less stressed out…after the shock of my death wears off. I dont know what to do…..if I go to jail I’d die in there anyway…..they don’t give a shit about my health. I’m oxygen dependant and cant be without my oxygen for more than a few hrs. I’m just soo ready….I dont want someone to talk me out of it because I’m gonna do what I want in the end anyways but I just want to see if anyone else has been in the same situations and how it may have turned out.
I wish all of you on this site peace and happiness in your own life and I hope that I dont sound like a piece of shit I’m just trying to be honest.
Reguards-
9 comments
I have a similar problem. When I was 20 just a month before turning 21 I needed a surgery and the dumb doctor didn’t want to put me under and forced me to accept him attempting local anesthesia via a spinal. When he couldn’t get the needle in after several tries, he took a scalpel and for an hour and a half tried to cut a peep hole down to my spine, ultimately admitting I had too mch muscle for him to cut through since the dip shit didn’t listen to me from the start about my weight lifting. So I got put fully under anyway. Then found myself unable to walk for several months and I ended up getting the state rehab to ‘help’ by making me work out 5 hrs a day 5 days a week on a 500 calorie diet and I didn’t lose an ounce of the 80 lbs I’d gained being unable to walk. I used to be very active for a husky kid. Then I got sidelined. I can’t get disability because every doctor I see swears up and down that I can’t possibly be in the pain I’m in. Well I’m no dummy and I can imagine that having my lower back shredded into mince meat is what’s causing me excruciating pain and I can barely get around ever since. Now I’m just this hideously ugly cripple no one will ever love.
“Disgusting”-which I’m sure your not since we are our own worst critics but anyway I was just wondering what kind of spinal surgey you had? And was it caused by injury? I had a Trans-foraminal Lumbar Interbody Fusion of L-3 through S-1.
Oh another thing that may help you get disibility is that I got denied and when I lawyered up on them I got my disibility approved almost instantly. They figure if you go through the trouble of having a lawyer represent you, then you totally serious and not messing around. Everyone gets denied the first time they apply but if your lawyer win, you get back pay since the first-time you applied which for me was about 18 months…..my lawyer got a third of my back pay though. Google Social Security Disibility Lawyers in your area….you dont pay them unless they win you didibility…….hope you look into it, nothing to loose.
Its good to be honest and this is a good place to do it. Believe it or not; Your not alone. I was in a car accident 2 years ago and fractured my neck in 2 places, dislocated my right shoulder and my right hip joint. I was close to becoming a total cripple. I am just starting to recover but still have pain. I have had to move back with my mom because I couldn’t take care of myself. Now I can walk but with a cane and not so well even so. All I can say is hang in there. I thought my life would never be worth living after that but I have live on and plan to be back on my own in some time to come. Don’t give up yet. Things can get better. Focus on what you can do rather than what you cant do. Your not a burden. Your a blessing.
Thank you for the kind words phantomcitizen43. I know it is soo friggin painful…..man it’s like when you first get out of bed your all hunched over and it takes a while to be able to stand up straight and then with my oxygen being low and having copd I cough alot which irritates the hell out of spine and now I would assume its from coughing so hard. Also my steroids that I take for my lungs made me have a bleeding ulcer which I didnt know I had and in January of 2012 I went to emergency because I was just feeling so weak and I was told I only had 1/3 the blood in my body that I was supposed to have which led to a blood transfusion and a stay in the ICU. They told my mom they didnt know how I was walking on my own with such low blood and that I may not make it. Same dam steroids called prednisone ( just a heads up because they are used to trat may things….stay away from them as much as possible) but anyways they also made my hair fall out and when you are a woman and have long hair it is devistating because I wanted to be attractive to my bf especially since I couldn’t do mush as far as sexual activity goes I had to take it easy…….sorry if a little personal. Also ifk if it was from the steroids or the lyrica that I was on from never damage but my teeth started to break off. I did the research and both meds cause this to happen but I think it was the lyrica because of there being so many horror stories about people loosing their teeth……worst off people who take lyrica report feeling like they are loosing it upstairs so to speak and the have symptoms of early onset of dementia I got lucky in that aspect thank you god but man could you imagine going through that…..my heart goes out to those people and hear I’m bitching about my problems ……..at least I still know my own name…….man I’m such a panzy. I want to be string but I’m not I’m weak my daddy was the strong one. Even when he was told he was in his last year of llife and his last 3 days in the hospice I never once heard him say or complain anything about his ever so close death-he never once said why me why me…..which in reality I would be like why me what did I do to deserve this. He was such a good man…..whenever his 4 brothers and 1 sister n3ded him he was there….they took anvantage of him financially and he took out a chunk of his life insurance before he passed and bought me a 2011 Gtand Jeep Cherokee with a hemi engine that cost him $45,000 befor his employee discount and for my last birthday that he celebrated with me which was my 29th birthday, he bought me a pair of 1 crt diamond pricess cut studs. I dont know why he felt he had to give me these things I can only contribute it to he wanted me to have a few last presents from him. His asshole family started hitting him up fir money on his death bed……I cant ever forgive a piece of shit like that who already owed my dad like $10,000 in previous loans and my dads credit was f”d vecase of them all. To top all that shit off at my dads memorial dinner my ignorant uncle te asked my mom if my dad left him any money. Ummm wow dude really…i was abot to stum his fucking head * please excuse my potty mouth but this just pissed ne off because wll of my dsdd family trird to tske whatever thry could weasel out of my fragile mother who was tought to help others in need. I hate user ass fske people they remind me of vultures……when my aunt asked my dad for the loan while he was in hospise…..I know the ***** wss just thinking invher mind ” let me see if I can squeeze one more loan out of him before he’s gone……SMH. Ashamed truly ashamed to be relatd tovthese pieces of shit. Cold hearted selfish bastards. I’m ranting now and getting rrd in the face but thank you again for sharing my friend…..
Reguards
Ya OP that sounds like Sciatica….I had that also for a short while. It was excruciating pain. I also lost some involuntary muscle control over my shin muscle so when I walk it’s slightly off. No one else can notice it except me. Fortunately I healed up almost completely aside from that muscle problem.
I have no advice for you-but I know I couldn’t live for that many years with such terrible pain. Suicide would’ve been an obvious choice for me. Though I think that’d be the one thing that’d make me want to live-because I have yet to see Europe and many places I want to go before I die. However I could not live that way-not for more than a year-if it was unending/incurable.
Sorry for all the losses you’ve experienced with relatives dying. We can’t recommend methods or anything here, but if I was me, I’d try to get an overdose of morphine, I’ve heard it’s one of the best ways to go. Life unfortunately is very arbitrary, we’re thrown into a certain set of circumstances like in a pool of water and you either sink or swim.
The world’s an unfair place, many people are leading the ideal, happy, productive life, they might not even be rich but have everything they need. Then others are born into abusive homes, get illnesses, live in wretched conditions and so on. Until society evolves more to reduce the amount of suffering out there, we’re all on our own. But the good thing is that we can bring a terrible life to an end. Thank goodness we’re not immortal and I think the afterlife stuff is all religious BS, not science based. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Thank you for the kind words phantomcitizen43. I know it is soo friggin painful…..man it’s like when you first get out of bed your all hunched over and it takes a while to be able to stand up straight and then with my oxygen being low and having copd I cough alot which irritates the hell out of spine and now I would assume its from coughing so hard as well as having 2 hernias in my lower abdomen low as almost my pubic line. Also my steroids that I take for my lungs made me have a bleeding ulcer which I didnt know I had and in January of 2012 I went to emergency because I was just feeling so weak and I was told I only had 1/3 the blood in my body that I was supposed to have which led to a blood transfusion and a stay in the ICU. They told my mom they didnt know how I was walking on my own with such low blood and that I may not make it. Same dam steroids called prednisone ( just a heads up because they are used to trat may things….stay away from them as much as possible) but anyways they also made my hair fall out and when you are a woman and have long hair it is devistating because I wanted to be attractive to my bf especially since I couldn’t do mush as far as sexual activity goes I had to take it easy…….sorry if a little personal. Also ifk if it was from the steroids or the lyrica that I was on from never damage but my teeth started to break off. I did the research and both meds cause this to happen but I think it was the lyrica because of there being so many horror stories about people loosing their teeth……worst off people who take lyrica report feeling like they are loosing it upstairs so to speak and the have symptoms of early onset of dementia I got lucky in that aspect thank you god but man could you imagine going through that…..my heart goes out to those people and hear I’m bitching about my problems ……..at least I still know my own name…….man I’m such a panzy. I want to be string but I’m not I’m weak my daddy was the strong one. Even when he was told he was in his last year of llife and his last 3 days in the hospice I never once heard him say or complain anything about his ever so close death-he never once said why me why me…..which in reality I would be like why me what did I do to deserve this. He was such a good man…..whenever his 4 brothers and 1 sister n3ded him he was there….they took anvantage of him financially and he took out a chunk of his life insurance before he passed and bought me a 2011 Gtand Jeep Cherokee with a hemi engine that cost him $45,000 befor his employee discount and for my last birthday that he celebrated with me which was my 29th birthday, he bought me a pair of 1 crt diamond pricess cut studs. I dont know why he felt he had to give me these things I can only contribute it to he wanted me to have a few last presents from him. His asshole family started hitting him up fir money on his death bed……I cant ever forgive a piece of shit like that who already owed my dad like $10,000 in previous loans and my dads credit was f”d vecase of them all. To top all that shit off at my dads memorial dinner my ignorant uncle te asked my mom if my dad left him any money. Ummm wow dude really…i was abot to stum his fucking head * please excuse my potty mouth but this just pissed ne off because wll of my dsdd family trird to tske whatever thry could weasel out of my fragile mother who was tought to help others in need. I hate user ass fske people they remind me of vultures……when my aunt asked my dad for the loan while he was in hospise…..I know the ***** wss just thinking invher mind ” let me see if I can squeeze one more loan out of him before he’s gone……SMH. Ashamed truly ashamed to be relatd tovthese pieces of shit. Cold hearted selfish bastards. I’m ranting now and getting rrd in the face but thank you again for sharing my friend…..
Reguards
Dear no name I’m sorry I accidentally left a reply to your post intended for phantom citizen 43…..for some reason it left my reply to his down to you comment. But what I was wondering in reguards to your post is you mentioned it sounds like siatica and I understand that you got rid of it HOW?????? My surgeon said that how ever I am a year after the surgey is how its basically going to be the rest of my life so how did you get rid of it? I went throgh 3 morr rounds of physical therapy post surgery not to mention how many round pre surgery. I guess ever body is different. And I appreciate you non judgemental advice as well as everyone elses advice on here. I’m just really trying to weugh the pros and cons…….con…..if I do it I leave my mom tottally alone and I also have 2 fur babies who I think of as my children also I wouldn’t want to emotionally scar my mom finding my body as her heart is a little weak and she may have a heart attack from the shock. And she doesn’t know how to handle the finances as my daddy use to balance the check book so to speak and I’ve been doing her bills for the last few years….PRO-I wouldn’t have to put up with anymore pain and being embaressed when I go out with my oxygen tanks and people stare at me because I’m on the younger side I guess…..also those little scooters that grocery stores have-I went to grab one and this old lady was practically yelling at me saying “those are not toys….they are for people who are hadicapped…..we) news flash lady I even have a handicapp plate on my truck….so bite me you mean old bag!!!!! But I ended up getting off the thing having to carry my small tank that has about an hour and a half of oxygen in it to last for about 4-5 liters. So here I am again trying to be strong. I wish I bew the outcome of this court shit because I dont want to expier like that and I know if I go into sever pulmonary distress they wont do anything about it until its to late. And trust me when you have an exacerbation, its litterly that your hyperventilating and you get this horrible headache and you suffocate. Ive had soo many close calls like that sweating profusily cant take two steps like your froze or something the parmedics had to come inside and lift me onto the stretcher. IDK sweetie…..I’m still soo confused. Trying to be strong but this is my point I dont think I can take much more, its gotton to where death seems like such a beautiful thing……like I dont necessarily beleive in hell but thats something to consider. But I think that mercy and eternal peace should come to those who commit suicide because they were so broken and in soo much pain, mercy shoud be granted. Anyways sorry for the long rant……just wanted to elaborate a little more
Reguards
hi, i am sorry you have suffered so much,you don’t deserve this. Sorry i am not of much help, but there are good replies above.
btw my online boyfriend has copd as well,hes had it for years, recently had a stroke, was still smoking at 52… not oxygen dependant yet but will prob end up needing one someday.
again i am truly sorry for this suffering i hope you can get through this… I am sorry for not being of much help but i read your whole post.