Exploited Weaknesses

I’m new here. This is my first post.

I served in Afghanistan. I’ve seen some of the most evil shit imaginable. I used to carry a pack full of gear, ammunition, ordinance, etc…

Now I carry a pack full of insecurity, self doubt, self hatred, and sadness. How did I end up here? How come some men can stow their shit away and never look at it again, and others (such as myself) cannot? I’ve been nearly killed on several occasions, but I’m still here. The only things that bring me happiness are my kids, my girl, and a V Twin with wheels. I’ve become indifferent as to whether or not I live or die. I’ve really hurt a lot of people I love for no apparent reason. I just do. I try to have a pure heart but I must be damaged goods. I remember when my dick was so hard, and I was so strong, and I meant something to so many people. Now I’m a loser drowning in a sea of self loathing with no land in sight. I’m barely keeping my head above water. I cry all the time. I let my woman walk all over me. If I ever grow enough sack to stand up for myself, I just fold like a ***** when she gets pissed back. How did I end up here?

Ive very recently become obsessed with taking my own life. Sometimes I enjoy the thought, other times it’s very scary. It’s funny how when suicide creeps itself into the human psyche, it spreads like cancer and it’s nearly impossible to shake. The only person who knows I think about these things is the love of my life. I was married for 10 delightfully miserable years. But that ***** can suck a turd out of my ass. Now I have Shanna. She knows all of my secrets. All of my demons. All of my fears. We’ve only been together for 9 months, but I’ve never grown so close to someone. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve been all over the world, and stuck my dick in all types of strange. She makes me laugh just as hard as she makes me cry. I haven’t been the best boyfriend to her. But I proclaim my undying allegiance to her on a daily basis. I’ve allowed myself and my emotions to be dictated by this woman. My two sons have seen what she is capable of doing to me, unfortunately. I’m so ashamed of the things I’ve done, the way I’ve acted, the thoughts I think. It’s like she can see right Through me, and when she sees an opportunity to get even, she takes a hot steamy shit right on my soul. So why are we together? I LOVE her. But I hate myself. That doesn’t make sense, I know. But what am I going to do??? Hang myself. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m sick of the fucking psych meds. I’m sick of the therapy, although my therapist is wonderful. I’m sick of the weight on my shoulders. I’m sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a loser. I’m sick of me. And so is everyone else. They don’t have to tell me. I just feel it. Be cool everyone. I don’t think anyone on this site is a *****. Weird….? Definitely. But the world is an interesting place full of interesting people. I’ve read a lot of posts on here and decided to share my story. Maybe I’ll be around next week to give an update. Maybe not.