I just shouted at a homeless who started talking to me.. to stfu and then 10minutes later my ex who is the reason I am this ready… with whom i was supposed to spend the night with… who i was picking up from work and was waiting for infront of her office for 15minutes then walks out and tells me she is sorry but her girlfriend just called her… i walked away not saying anything finding the first wall and started smashing into it… it hurts quite badly… búúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúút i love this feeling… it numbs everything.
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now my body is getting colder… i love this feeling…. if there is no weed there is always my bodies own chemical reactions that I can relay on… not eating for 2 days and then sleeping for 36 hours is also nice 🙂
calmer now…. drank 1 bottle of wine. 🙂
i wish someone should comment and just tell me it will not get easier… this and this is what will happen next to you… mentally… this is what you want to do… u should just end it… as it will not get easier.. it will just get worse.. u have seen hell and you will never forget… u need to jump whenever you think you can and just do it.. do it and if you have regrets while falling well by the time this thought formulates u will be death and this will be your last thought.. regret.. because at the last second no matter what there will be regret
Hey munck, I’ve been known to use that coping strategy on occasion. It sucks, but it works.
As for the other stuff, wanting things to get worse so it pushes you to do the deed… well, I’ve been there, too. It’s like you start picking up momentum toward that final leap and it starts feeling good. Like damn good. Like suddenly everything in the cosmos makes sense.
But sitting here, mostly under control (though still quite suicidal), I know that the high of self-destruction passes. I dunno if that’s a good thing or not. I think it is. Because after it passes, there’s a weird calm, almost a sense of victory like “I just saw hell AGAIN and survived.”
You can always off yourself later. That’s the one thing we got going for us. But for now, just imagine you’re still playing this stupid videogame called life and your quarter hasn’t run out yet. It sounds like you’ve had some pretty interesting experiences, to say the least. Just for curiosity’s sake, why not see what’s next? Maybe your ex will call you, crying because she freaked out because she loves you too much to spoil it, maybe that’s her real reason. Anything can happen, man. Even good stuff occasionally.
i know it is all a videogame… i know everything is just a game thought up by 1 at one point and which we still play… true love.. its a game… marriage… staying a virgin until you meet the right one. and then it is up to us to break the rules and start a new game.. knowing we can… but the game i want to play is world peace… i thought of it… it is possible if idiots would just dissapear… my ex-gf is one of those idiots… me i should dissapear if i made the rules clear to enough people.
what is next? i wanted to kill myself 15 years ago.. i am aware what comes next. it just get worse… i want someone who went through it longer then I.. i wanted to die also when I was 6…. ccalling spirits to take away my soull… such a stupid game.. it scared children, kids.. i knew i was still there.. and yet i kept calling them.. and what happened? NOTHING.. that was me at the age of 6… now I am 28….. nothing changed.. a few times I thought I WON! but no it does not change.
I hear ya. Just when I think things might change, bam I’m back at rock bottom. But you know what, I can definitely say for me things are not as bad as they were 5 years ago. That alone keeps me interested enough to see what’ll happen next. Hah. Like a gambler who loses his frickin shirt, and just when he’s about to walk away with a scrap of dignity, he wins $5 on roulette… and he’s right back at the table again! That’s me.
So yeah man, I totally see where you’re at. Things will definitely get better (sounds like you couldn’t possibly get worse than a day like this)… but the question is: will things get better enough to justify living? I think so. I think today just royally sucked for you, and this ex of yours is a bad presence in your life. The good news is today won’t last forever. Your ex won’t be in your life forever. Try to get free of that dead weight, that’s a start!
Ok – you asked for a comment so I’ll comment:
1. Why did you feel the need to “shout at” the homeless person? There are better ways to excuse yourself with class and dignity without being hurtful, mean and spiteful.
2. Why would you beat up a wall because your ex (who, by virtue of being an ex and thus on some levels untrustworthy) changed plans?
My thinking is you may want to consider some anger management to learn how to better interpret situations and to channel your anger towards more positive responses that have a net benefit for you as an individual. This will also help to create a more positive persona for those around you who you interact with making your personality more pleasant and attractive.
Now – that said – you can freely chuck everything I just said out the window because I, admittedly, am ignorant of your situation circumstance and environment. I have only responded to what I can glean from this one post. But from that, I can think of better choices to make and better courses of action that don’t involve shouting at others and beating up walls.
Apologies – you asked for a response/comment – this is what came to mind. It can get better if you are choose and are willing to work at changing your perspective towards others around you.
The homeless person talked to you … so WHAT? Who cares? walk away – no need to belittle someone who I’m quite sure is in full appreciation of their predicament and what society thinks about him/her. And your ex – she changed her mind after waiting – an annoyance to be sure – but she’s an ex for a reason (that I am ignorant of) so, it would seem to me to be a mixed blessing that she chose to not further trouble you with her presence – in fact, giving you cause/reason to deny flat her next request to be picked up since she clearly has another friend at her beck and call – no more need to be inconvenienced 🙂
None of this is reason to “jump” … much less get raging angry over.
calm dawg
the comment is for u 🙂
1. because he spoke… and kept speaking when i was 20 meters away… i wanted to punch once someone who did this after he hit me with his car…. i was not hurt because i saw it coming and jumped over his car… as i was jogging at that moment…. that was when i was still working out… jumping 2 meters.. fuck sake… i wonder if i still can :S
2.because itstops me from being furious… it is to protect myself and others… as i would be furious as hell and what if someone bumbs into me… i once hit someone who did it on purpouse in the stomach as he walked by.. with his 4 friends… and then stared them down until they walked all 4 away.
IT makes sense… what you wrote next but…. I want to jump so no more pain comes to me….
“1. because he spoke… and kept speaking when i was 20 meters away”
Ask yourself – why do you really give two shits if this person is going to babble randomly or not? every day people talk and talk and talk (granted – maybe a few of them might deserve to have their pie hole shut) … but why is this cause to commit a felony battery? Just words that can be ignored. and what does this have to do with the “someone who did this after he hit me with his car” … the two events are isolated and unrelated … why would you choose to apply the actions and intent of one person who assaulted you with a motor vehicle, onto someone who is about as removed from that scenario as hot is from cold?
Being “furious” does not “protect yourself and others” it creates danger and conflict thus endangering yourself and others. I agree that if someone purposely went out of their way to run into me and otherwise try to create conflict, that you should protect yourself and those you’re with … but you can also try to avoid getting bumped into … cross the street, step out of the way – do your best to reasonable avoid a conflict, only then, if the conflict is brought to you after you’ve done everything to avoid it, do you meet the threat and do what is necessary to neutralize that threat.
Look – I can respect and understand that you have reasons for “jump” and I respect your right and freedom to do so … but it’s simply unrealistic to think that we will ever live a pain free life. We have the choice to choose whether we actually want to experience pain in many situations – often time we simply don’t have to “feel” hurt … we can change that “feeling” to things like indifference, disappointment, ambivalence … we can then choose to either explore reasoning behind a person’s choice to betray our trust … or just turn our backs and walk away from them for good and go forward looking for brighter more positive, more honest people to include in our lives – but there is no rule that says you MUST suffer pain (emotional) for someone else’s sins/transgressions.
Honestly – seriously consider some type of anger management/conflict resolutions strategies … believe it or not, one company I once worked for put us all in a “customer service” seminar … and it was transformational to my perspective on how to view the anger in others and to avoid getting angry myself. I found methods to change how I interpreted human behaviors and learned that I didn’t have to carry their burdens of anger for them.
I wish you well in whatever you choose 🙂
rational dawg
I am a patient person… i was at one point never seen angry for a looooong period of my life even when i had the right to be……………… I spoke with my ex, made her cry.. almost jumped infront of her eyes i had my arms to my side but then she collapesed in tears and ii grabbed on the railing at the last possible second…. I could have had died tonight… but I just cannot go through that last moment… after i am in free fall it goes quick…just the time to get into free fall… it takes too long