This is my first time doing this and thanks to those who read it. I dont really share my feelings but i thought i should give it a try. I don’t know why someone at age 20 feels the way that I do. Ever since my dad passed away when i was 11 I have felt empty. I was my bestfriend and my role model. He suffered from drug abuse and was clean for a year, then went to a hotel off the parkway, overdosed, and killed himself. Every time I think about it I blame myself(& I know many people say that there is no reason to but I can’t shrug the feeling off). I felt like maybe I wasnt a good enough daughter or just not enough for him, its a selfish thought but I still feel this way.
When he passed so many things started happening. My mother had open heart surgery and almost died. My grandma passed away, my aunt passed a year later, my friend got into a car accident and passed away the next year. I tried to be so strong and not cry for my mother, because she has medical problems and I didnt want to stress her out. My uncle took advantage of the moment and started to touch me.. I never told anyone because i thought noone would ever believe me.. then again in highschool i went to my “bestfriends” house and got piss drunk and her father started to touch me.. no matter how much i tried to push him off he wouldnt stop touching me.. and did much worse. I woke up the next morning feeling disgusting and walked out of the house and never spoke to her again. Is this what I am good for?
I was bullied in school for many years due to the way i walk. (I walk on my toes.. I have has surgery but it is now a habbit). I used to cry myself to sleep all the time for the littlest things. Im not going to bore you with sad highschool stories so ill skip to when I graduated. I started working at some amusement park and actually ended up meeting my boyfriend who i really do love so much. It was a rough relationship and we ended up breaking up. College was not for me, I could not concentrate on anything and worked 2 jobs as well. Eventually I decided to join the Army Reserves. While away for training I actually met amazing people and was actually happy. Then i got back and remembered why I left in the first place. Now I work in an insurance company – dead end job. I am trying to get back to school but I am in debt from my first year. I have nothing.. My self esteem is completely gone. I lost all my friends – and regained my boyfriend but he lives far away so i barely get to see him. I feel like i have noone to talk to .. I feel like a disappointment to my father & to myself. I have thought of the sweet escape many times.. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
1 comment
You could try to change the envirement, you said that you were happy when you joined the army and was far away from home. Maybe all you need a fresh start somewhere far from home and all the sad and traumatic memories… and I’m sorry for all the losses I know how hard it is.