I want to share this.

Hey guys,

I’m new here and I wanted to share my story. But I have 1 problem and that is that my memory is not as it is supposed to be. I can’t remember what happened at what age, but I guessed a little. Anyway, here’s my story:

At the age of 6    I harmed myself. I can’t remember why, but what I do remember is that I always said to myself that I should be punished. So, I always bit myself in my hand, harder and harder each time. I told my parents how I felt, I said that I feel emotionless but still sad, but they thought that I was being silly and said that I shouldn’t say ‘that sorta things’.

Maybe a year or less or longer later (I really can’t remember the age, the only thing that I know is that I was really young) I held a knife against my throat, the knife wasn’t sharp but I didn’t know that, I wanted to kill myself for a while. But I was to scared to do it. That doesn’t mean that that stopped my suicidal thoughts.  I became good at fake smiling. You can say that ‘My life was actually an act’.

At the age of 9/10    I started to understand that my ‘friends’ aren’t friends. I started to see how they acted against me. They were much nicer to eachother and I gave myself the fault. If I was sad because of  it, I said to myself that I was acting selfisch and just wanted attention. I forgot the definition of the word ‘friends’. I thought that the kids who didn’t treat me nice were my friends. I stayed with these ‘friends’ for years. They kept breacking my heart over and over again. And each time I thought that it was my fault. I had many suicidal thoughts. But I was a master in fake smiling, I could fake a laugh not even on purpose. I cried myself to sleep many nights.

At the age of 11    I cut myself, once, only in my finger. It didn’t scar me, physically. It did scar me a little mentally.  It got me traumatised.

At the age of 12    My ‘friends’ were becoming meaner through the years. There was this one guy who was really mean against me. I got always shamed by him in front of my ‘friends’. They were always laughing at it, probably thinking it’s teasing. And yes, he was teasing, but every day again and he was always picking me. So it actually became bullying, but no-one notices it. He also said things behind my back about me so that people will act mean against me or start ‘teasing’ me.  I couldn’t take the fake smiling anymore. I shut everybody out. Because I thought : ”If I don’t hangout with anyone or talk to anyone, nobody can hurt me anymore.” Pretty silly, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. My suicidal thoughts became worser (thinking of what the quickest method was). When one of my ‘friends’ came over to ask me what’s wrong, I told her to leave me alone, that nothing is wrong and that I was just thinking. All lies. So yeah, I sat alone everytime, always sad, and for years I cried myself to sleep. Until I became best friends with 3 awesome friends, and they make me ‘happy’. It wasn’t really happy, I don’t know what happiness really is anymore. But they got me out of the sad thoughts, and that was for me, just as happy.

At the age of 13    I went to high school. And I was the only one of the school who was going to grammar school and I was happy about that. I didn’t want to see almost everybody of my old class anymore. I still sit on the scouting with some of my old classreps, but that is only one day in a week and I survived seeing them six days in a week. But they were much nicer without the rest of the class, I don’t really talk to them though, only if we’re really bored. I kept contact with my 3 best friends, because they mean so much to me. My new class is really nice. No-one bullies, says mean things and there have almost been none fights, and if they were fighting, then it wasn’t that bad. But I still wasn’t happy. I became angry at myself for not being happy. There was a voice in my head saying : ‘Why aren’t you happy, you have everything you wanted! These people are nice to you and still, you´re not happy!? You selfisch piece of trash!’ I wanted to harm myself, so badly, but luckily, I was traumatised from when I was 11, that kept me from cutting. I’ve hold the blade against my wrists sometimes, leaving red marks, but I didn’t cut. I had found a way to keep me away from even thinking about cutting, I watched some gaming youtubers, they made me laugh. But 1 thing that really kept/keep me sane, are the vlogs and supportive words from a certain youtuber (‘markiplier’ if you wanted to know). But one time (that happened recently) I found another way that felt like cutting, I scratched. I scratched my wrists with a plastic cards. I had to hide marks though, I scratched so hard the you still could see the marks after a few days. I did it for 3 days, but then I stopped, convincing myself that it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t had any suicidal thoughts anymore after finding this certain youtuber. He made me believe in my life and I made goals in my life. So that was a huge weight off of mine shoulders. But still not happy, and I couldn’t understand why, I CAN’T understand why.

Now, still 13    I lift myself up, many things had pushed me down, but I stand up now. When I feel the need to cut myself, I push it out of my head. Whenever I think life is worthless, I say to myself that it isn’t true. Whenever that voice in my head pops up, I can tell the voice to stop. I’m fully in control now. Searching for the feeling happiness, but I’m gonna find it. It takes time to heal, but when you’re finally healed, you’re so happy you didn’t give up. I still have those breackdowns, but I know that I come over it. Yes, I did horrible, stupid things, but everybody does. And I may feel that mine’s are unacceptable and unforgivable, it’s true but yet it isn’t. When I made all those horrible mistakes, I couldn’t think straight because I was going through a tough time. And if I think, it’s truly unacceptable, I let myself know that I’m thinking straight now, that I’m different now.

I never really shared my story before, so I don’t know what to say. I feel like I should say something, but I don’t know what. (Sorry for my bad English).

~Ennea