I wonder how my life will end…

I wonder… I long for death.. and would welcome.it if it came so that it was not my who does the deed.. nor would I die without a struggle to go on.. this is in me. As I have proven for the last two years. I showed it with staying with the person who crushes me.. the person who took my sanitty.. or at least that what was left of it.

Some if if was taken by my family but at the age of 26 I was over it.. I mean it helped to meet her… The person who I wanted to marry. Cute, beautiful, sexy and sweet with children. I saw a life with her I saw someone to already accept that this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life.. the person who I would forgive and care for the rest of my life so to be together and not do anything that would make her need to forgive me.. yet she was always jealous.. all the fucking time.

Then she cheated…. I went into a depressed state and in the end just did what I had to.. I had to learn to forgive her. I learned.to forget something that I did as a child but now it is really bad.. I cannot get rid of the imagines.. the thoughts… The things that happened between her and others… I never cared of what happened before… But quite sure she had sex with more while with me then in her life before she knew me… Or at .least I hope…

I just want to die… I want to not think… I want to just be… I want to be in the state as if I sleep without dreams.. if this is death then I long for it.. I need its touch on my shoulder even if it was for a second.. and I had to choose then and there I would beg to be in this state… The best later option would be to be in a coma and never wake up….

Or maybe just take away my dick and balls.. I would try anything or do anything to be in a drug house until I die… I often think off doing more. Last week I spoke with a whore and I think I partly gave up on life at that moment… I am sure I lost every bit of innocent that I was struggling to keep… And the worse after all she wants me now, she wants children.. and fuck I cannot stop thinking of her not cheating… She did it at every single possible chance and I see more chances then she does now.. I am close to paranoia… I only stay slightly calm when I am at work but these hours are hell and all I want is my drugs.. I use them when I want and went to work on them… I am quite tolerated to them now.

I am nothing of the person who I was two years ago.. If I am then it is all that is keeping me and stopping me from going on a dark road in which I can only declare war on that what passes for humans… In our day and age… And in the end i am just as disgusting as those people not for my attitude but for my weakness that I had and still largely have inside of me…