I use to live in San Diego, California when i was growing up. It was amazing and I wasn’t the most popular kid but I did have a small amount of good friends that I was happy with. Then in the middle of 5th grade my family decided to move to Indiana and well that was probably the worst decision of their lives. I made friends in 5th grade when i started, and got a crush on this kid named Justin. Over time all the friends i though i had starting to turn on me, especially in 6th grade. I got bullied so much by everyone and got called names and even death threats from classmates and older students i didn’t even know and one day a teacher caught wind of it and joined them and tried to fail me in his class and would hold me after class on purpose to miss lunch and not eat. i never told anyway because my mom is crazy and woulda, well went in there and literally kick the teachers ass and i didn’t want any one hurt. the only real friend i had was Justin and he got bullied for being my friend. then one day i came home to an empty house after a really bad day of bullying. i went to my kitchen and got our biggest knife and i was so ready to stab myself and bleed to death. at the time i didnt care about the pain or my family; but right before i did i thought of that kid i liked, Justin. i dunno why but i didnt wanna kill myself and leave him all alone since we were both bullied by the same people. i decided to not go through with it in the end. It got so bad that he had to move away in the middle of school year while i finished 6th grade and then moved that summer to a new school. middle school went fine and then i went to high school and things got worse again. the kids that use to bully me still called me names and would knock my books out of my hands when they could, i wasnt bullied as much as i was in 6th grade though. I’ll make a long story short, that kid Justin moved back and things werent so bad. ever since the bullying in 6th grade i’ve had very bad self esteem. and my mother has been turning into the worst mother ever. she kicked my littler sister out of the house when she learned she was cutting herself because my mom didnt wanna deal with it. there were times i wanted to die and came close to killing myself.
Never went through any of them. Senior year came and i got closer to Justin and well at the end of the year he asked me out. I coulda swore i was the happiest girl alive. Our first year went great and i’ve managed to hide my sadness and low self esteem from him. we tried to have sex with each other because i was obviously in love with him and he said he loved me back. it didnt work because i was(still am) too tight. couple of months ago we tried again and it hurt so bad i sobbed and now im too scared to try again. annnnd a couple of months ago he yelled at me through texts. he basically told me that i owe him more sex and he hates how nervous i am about it (even after i told him how scared i was to try again due to the pain) and went off about everything he hates about me. and ever since then he’s been avoiding me and i truly believe i’ve gotten depressed. i’ve lost interest in everything i loved before, my old appetite of eating all day every day has gone away and i’ve been losing weight. ever since he went off on me i’ve been sick to my stomach with myself and puke randomly, probably cuz i feel disgusted with myself. I’ve honestly looked it up and i show like 90% of the signs for depression. i would love to get tested by a doctor and i legally could without my parents knowing (since im now 19 and they dont have legal right to look into my medical history) but i dont know where to go and im sure places charge for the test and antidepressants. plus im covered on my dads union medical contract so im sure he and my crazy mother would see that being paid for and my mother doesnt believe in like depression. (why? i have no clue) but anyway, i honestly think im depressed from it. i’ve attempted suicide but swallowing quite alot of Melatonin pills but didnt work.
I don’t wanna die painfully. honestly, i dunno if i wanna just end the pain or truly wanna die anymore. i serve absolutely no purpose, i’m failing most of my college classes and costly my family alot of money. i applied to about 20 scholarships and got nothing. i’m a shitty girlfriend, shitty friend, shitty sister and daughter. I’m too scared to kill myself due to pain it could cause so i’ve been thinking about running away. Police can’t force me back home since i’m 19. I wanna just leave my old life behind and start a new. i wanna take route 66 all the way down to LA maybe. maybe that’s what just want i need. get away from all the people that hurt me and not tell them when and where i’m going. i dont want anyone to know. It’s just an idea for now. Honestly tonight i’m gonna try and take more pills and see what happens. This isn’t my plea for help. i found this sight not to long ago and i just want my story to be told or listened to because i have no one else. i just wanna be heard. Maybe if i do run away and tell no one and just get away from everything, I’ll be happier. I just feel so hopeless and worthless. i know people say “dont run from your problems!” but sometimes that’s the only answer. Maybe it’ll be mine instead of death.
Sorry about how long it is! I just had to get it off my chest. Hey, i feel slightly better too.
Thanks for reading and listening to my venting.
4 comments
San Diego is an awesome place.
(I didn’t read the whole thing).
Hey, I’m sorry you are experiencing depression. It’s good that you know something is wrong, but I understand the hurdle of getting help. I understand my advice might be rather drastic, but drastic times call for for drastic measures. If you go to an ER and tell them about your depression/suicidal thoughts they will help you. Perhaps there you would be able to have some explain your situation to your parents. My mother didn’t believe in my problems at the beginning, but once she started seeing how it was affecting me and when my therapist explained my problems she began to understand. Perhaps the same will happen for you.
You should never let anyone pressure you for sex if you feel uncomfortable. You need to distant yourself from Justin because it’s only making your depression worse and causing you a lot of anxiety. You don’t need someone making you feel worthless when you’re not worthless at all.
I hope you feel better.
I think you’re depression is circumstantial! You have every right to feel the way you do being treated like that by the people that should be offering you support and love rather than expectation and disappointment. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for withholding sex, especially if it hurts you, sex is supposed to be enjoyable for BOTH of you, not just him. I think if you ran away, from those poisonous people, you’d be able to feel free and have the space you need to make your own decisions and be your own beautiful person that is inside of you, currently being suppressed by those you mentioned. I know it’s hard, but if you atleast try to run away and be free, you might see no need to kill yourself. I hope you can find peace, my thoughts are with you 🙂
you and I have a lot in common, I am 19 too, I am sad and depressed, I have been kicked out of university and I can’t suicide because I am still afraid of the pain killing myself will cause.. I want to help but sorry I can’t.. I hope everything gets better for you..