Hello everyone,
This is my first post. Although I have read through much of this website for the past few weeks, I have simply relegated my involvement to that of backseat viewer. I have now decided to share with you a little about who I am and why I browse this website to pass the time.
First, a little bit about me. I have read the sources of many people’s depression and suicidal thoughts and I regret to say that exteriorly, I may represent an unorthodox example of a someone who is plagued with the issue of suicide. I am 19 years old, an excellent student, good looking, athletic, outspoken, financially stable, and socially apt. I am due to begin studying at a global top-10 university this coming fall. Yet, recently, I have not been happy at all. I contemplate suicide. I struggle to fall asleep. I wake up panicked from nightmares. I wet the bed for the first time in 9 years. I feel terribly lonely, and depressed for most parts of the day.
The reason for this is an amalgamation of issues that have brought me to the brink of tether. Firstly, the relationship with my parents is non-existant. They constantly berate me for ‘wasted time and money’ and how they jeopardised their careers to raise me. That is in fact, bullshit, in my opinion. In addition, they hate each other and how they remain married is beyond me. So, through their parenting, they raised me in a way to not accept failure, and pushed me to become a results-crazed madman. Their dream for me: to attend an ivy league school. And in turn, their dream became mine as well, the sole purpose in my life. However, I failed – with no offers coming through.
And that represents the biggest source of my depression. The shame, regret and guilt is truly overwhelming. I feel that my life has lost its purpose. I lack drive, motivation, a desire to continue living. I hate my life right now, and I just wish it would end to put me out of my misery and shame.
I acknowledge, that this may seem ridiculously petty, even laughingly trivial to many of you, but I assure you I mean every word of it. Depression and suicide rear their ugly heads in every corner of life, and the issues they prey upon are all relative and affect all of us differently. We all struggle with different things, and find hope in others. You may have read or may be aware of those stories and stereotypes of children who have been pushed to hard killing themselves due to poor results or university entries. I think I might soon add to those statistics.
Also a few things I have learnt about suicide through my experiences. Firstly, in my first and only suicide attempt to strangle/suffocate myself, I discovered the body’s natural instinct to live is insanely strong. Secondly, we may all struggle with the issue of suicide, but I realise that the actual act of suicide is an impulsive one. We worry about things like pain, methodology, but the truth is, if we truly, truly, wish to die, nothing could stop us. The very fact that we are still alive to this moment means that all hope is not lost yet.
I would like to end by saying this: Nobody knows this. Not a single person knows I am a tortured soul on the interior. My friends would laugh at this thinking it is a sick joke. It isn’t. As the days pass by, we look for excuses to postpone our thoughts of ending our lives and look for every reason to continue living. Your stories have provided me with the last shred of hope. I hope mine can do the same for you.
Thank you, and comments are more than welcome.
7 comments
Thanks for sharing your story maggimi. Ya, you’re right..everyone’s breaking point is different. Everyone’s reason for breaking is unique to that individual. There are no rights and wrongs. No good and bad. All there is is (this sounds like a cliche) what is. I could stub my toe and that could be the trigger to put me over the edge.
Getting in to an Ivy League college is nice, but not really necessary to exist on this planet. All anyone can do is their best. Whatever comes after that is gravy. Just do your best and no one can fault you, not even yourself.
I can relate to your struggle of having to keep everything inside and having to fight this terrible battle on your own. You never asked to be born, so your parents blaming you for their own decision to have and raise you isn’t right. They most likely remain married because they must believe divorce equals failure. I don’t know, it’s just a thought.
It’s interesting that you think that we’re still alive because we still have a bit of hope left. I suppose even hope we don’t know will keep up alive. That or fear of the unknown. I don’t believe it matters whether you have more than someone else. Depression doesn’t discriminate. You shouldn’t feel tied down by your parents and society’s definition of success. You have to create your own success for yourself, but I understand it’s easier said than done.
Best wishes.
75% of the patients in my psychiatric ward were people with (at least) PhD and very stable jobs. There was even a chairman of one big Polish bank. And a girl who was a daughter of the famous businessman. It’s nothing about your situation… it’s inside your head. After months of being depressed that converted into years, I feel that there’s no hope. At least for me. Everything the best for you.
Pressure affects us all, be happy with what you have and take what you can get. You are clearly intelligent, and very young, there is still plenty of time and by the sounds of it you can still make a success of your life. What do you want to do though? And how can you achieve it? Less of what would make your parents happy, what would make you happy, do it for you, for the good of your future, your parents will be happy that you are happy.
From my experience tendency towards suicide is like an unfulfilled rage. Rage is supposedly caused (in its most simple form) by not being able to move, being trapped, with the option of suicide there is a way out, even if you don’t commit there is that release valve, that feeling that “I once again have control over my life” (by having the ultimate power to end it). What happens (much like with rage) is that over time your tendency to this feeling will be supplanted, transformed if you like, either by yourself or by others. Taking control of your own life is difficult and takes courage, giving control to others requires trust and faith. Either way, good luck and keep your chin up.
Hey, great first post! I’m sorry the pressure you’ve dealt with over the years has pushed you to feeling almost helpless but perhaps there is some light at the end of your tunnel? What are the options for taking a year out? Your emotions right now can help you to concentrate on you and focus on what you enjoy doing. What subjects do you enjoy (and see yourself doing as a career – think about every avenue, you never know where inspiration can come from)! If you were applying to Ivy League institutions then you’ll have good enough grades for a variety of courses at a variety of good institutions (assuming you even want to go down the university route). Time is on your side and you have the world at your feet so you needn’t rush anything 🙂
Perhaps after all the work, its your inner self saying “take a break!” (and not in a permanent way).
You sound strong. Life can be absolutely brutal, no doubt. I hope an unexpected good turn for you.
Hey man,
you sound fuckin smart like me. you sound like you have limitless potential. youre just at a crossroads right now of finding yourself and what YOU really want for YOU. its going to take some time for the pain of a life holding everything in to rise to the surface but be sure you’ll be a better man for it. fuck yeah man you’ve got this. One day at a time eh. firstly fuck what your parents want and ask yourself what you really want out of life. If you hear/feel nothing dont fret. its ok not to know. let life unveil it for you