I was happy before the pain began. I was a better person.
Going on three years now of a mystery illness that’s drained me of who I am. Been to several doctors this past year, took a whole year off from college and still no answers. I have just continued to feel worse and worse. I have lost all functionality as a human being. My family now expects me to get a job because at 22 I can’t be taken care of forever but I can’t work.
I don’t want to kill myself because of a lack of caring on anyone’s part. My family has helped me in trying to figure out what’s going on with me. No, I plan to kill myself out of necessity. I understand society needs people that can contribute to it. Anyone, especially a young man who should be able-bodied, that can’t do that is worthless to the machine. I can’t contribute and I can’t continue to suffer without doctors having any clue what’s wrong with me.
The worst part of this whole process were the several times I thought I had figured it out. I experimented with so many different things this past year that helped for a day to one week and thought “finally, my suffering is coming to an end” only to have life slap me in the face. I barely remember what normals feels like. I can’t stand to continue to disappoint myself and others who make a request of me, no matter how simple, and having to respond with “no, I can’t do that”.
I feel bad even admitting this but for the past three days I have daydreamed about suicide…
If you talked to me 3 years ago before all this began I would have told you I was amongst the happiest people in the world. I feel as though there really is some balance to this life. Had an amazing childhood filled with high on life moments and now it’s the exact opposite as though life couldn’t end fast enough.
6 comments
Its weird how life slaps you in the face. I had a good happy child hood and now my illness means being on meds forever that don’t help with my condition. I feel for you having to live with a mystery illness and now all this suicide shit it totally sucks. I was happy just a few years ago and now I’m not and not much can change that. So I day dream and plan my own death which should be in the next year. Good luck. Also my parents expect heaps of me too would have been not to bad if stress and pressure didn’t effect my illness but it does and I keep thinking the worst and now pretty emotionless about leaving this world and being happy again. Good luck.
Could be Lyme disease (like Avril Lavigne had) or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You just haven’t gone to the right doctor yet who can diagnose it properly, keep at it.
My brother has autism and likely will never lead a normal life. He won’t contribute anything to society, but that doesn’t make him any less important. You don’t have to die if you don’t contribute. This fucked up world makes you feel that way, that you’re only worth something if you’re useful, but I don’t think it’s true. Your condition might never improve though, and your life may never be the way it was in high school. It feels really shitty to not be able to do basic things like talk to people or make a meal because I was so depressed and anxious that I would break down crying. Shit is still hard, and I think about suicide too. I also wonder if I will ever be able to support myself. I hope you’ll find the right doctor or diagnosis and feel better.
Do you have mercury fillings? Mercury poisoning and Lyme are so often misdiagnosed and they both give us suicidal ideation. Keep looking for help.. a Naturopath or Functional Dr? Getting a dx is crucial. Good luck my friend 🙂
You can become an artist. That’s a lot different than a “standard” job. I bet you could do that.
Hey! Would you like to email to me more about your problems at Tomialatalo@inbox.com I’d sure be glad to listen!