Today I woke up to a very shitty morning and a job I hate. I don’t hate the job per se but I just lost interest in the things that I used to hold dear. I posted a part of my story on here a few days back so I don’t wanna regurgitate any of my erst while ramblings. But for those reading a post by me for the first time, I mentioned how I’d dropped out, lost my job a couple years ago after being decimated by a bout of depression. I took to vagabondage and sloth after that dreadful scenario because I had nothing to live for. Well, I matriculated to pick up where I left off at the university and also managed to secure a decent job at a tech company.
I feel like this university programme and job are giving me a new lease on life. But at the same time I just feel like it’s some illusory mirage that’s distracting me from the ugliness of this life. Lately I’ve been experimenting with Nihilism and Anarcham( I’m a passive anarchist of course) and now I see life through very different eyes. I hate this whole rut, the bourgeois ideals that society sets, I am sick of all that. That is not the kind of life I want to live. I don’t want to give my life away to professionalism and shallow material pursuits. I have never been in a relationship and don’t intend to get into one. I have very few friends but I’m awfully bitter these days that I hate human beings. I don’t wanna talk to anyone anymore. My social life is in shambles.
Alright, I had always dreamed to be a computer programmer and this job is pretty much making me love Life again. But I don’t want to base my life on working and consuming. Working a steady day job, going to the bank, watching mindless entertainment, going to the store and the back at the job again. I just want to be free from this rut. I ordered a toxic drug to furnish my transition to the afterlife ( if it exists) if I feel I’m too week to withstand the turbulence. If that doesn’t happen, I will work my ass off. Buy a cabin sequestered way from civilization in the country, probably. Like I said earlier, part of me wants to die and the other wants to stay and fight. Only time will tell.
1 comment
So… programming is a great job for you it seems to me. Being a hacker (in the old unix beard sense, not in the way it gets tossed around in the media) is loads of fun and pretty far from just working and consuming. It’s actually akin to the arts. Plus, depending on what you enjoy doing, indie single person or small group games are booming. You can make something you love and, if you are lucky, make enough money that you don’t have to worry about it. If not, you can do corporate soul sucking programming. But I’d recommend a good startup where its something you care about.