Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really close friends who could tell each other everything. Then I got the message that tells me to stop feeling love for him because it’s so sickening and disgusting he can’t take the thought of it anymore. And it’s dead, like nothings there at all, not even the close friendship I thought I had. I’m supposed to see him today. I don’t know where the day will go. I don’t expect to feel the bond I thought we had or for there to be any joking around at all. It’s probably going to be just painful, a dead, closed off, total rejection of my entire being and spirit. He probably wishes he never met me. My love is just as disgusting as my face and my body. If not today, I can’t think of any other day that I’d like. It couldn’t be a work day. But they’re closed for the holiday. 
Remember, that’s only me trying out the date to see how I feel about it.
1 comment
I’ve thought the same thing for the past 5 birthdays I’ve had, with my birthday coming up again, I can’t help but feel that same feeling again to make the tombstone dates match…
I think you shouldn’t feel that way over that one friend, I think he’s scared or just not interested, but that doesn’t mean you are disgusting, that’s just one nasty persons opinion. Don’t base your whole perspective of yourself on what he thinks! I hope you can open yourself to someone else that will accept it and reciprocate it before said expiry date arrives….. You deserve a chance to be appreciated.