Something Beautiful

Hello:)

This will be a rather quick synopsis of my suicidal attempts and what led up to them and how I managed past them but the story should come across anyways.

First Attempt:

I was about 14 at this time, and had started cutting. it wasn’t “severe” as it was mostly little scratches. I would only “cut” when I was super overwhelmed with my situation, or emotions. I had been seeing a guy for about a year, and was infatuated with him. One day, he decided to tell me that he had been cheating on me with his ex, but that I shouldn’t be worried because he can multitask. I, of course, got infuriated. I decided that since the one guy I would ever love (pretty much how I felt in every relationship) didn’t love me anymore, I was worthless. I decided to overdose on many medications. After this attempt, which still affects me to this day, I got sent to a mental psych facility. I spent awhile in there, as I got diagnosed with chronic depression, and schizophrenia. I was put on many medications to treat these, then was released. The next few weeks, months even, I felt much better.

Attempt Two:

About six months later, I had gotten into another relationship, a not so healthy one at that. I started cutting again. I got slightly deeper, but this time I cut whenever I felt any emotion, other than happiness. However, this increased to where I would create situations that made me feel uncomfortable so I could cut. I had also started asphyxiation. I would do this until I passed out. I honestly don’t remember what made me blow up and attempt again, but I did, I overdosed on “heavier” medications. I, once again got sent to a mental psych facility, where I stayed once more. This time, I got diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, along with the others mentioned above. I got more medication to help counteract the illnesses. I stayed “free” (meaning without suicide attempts or self harm behaviors) for a year and a half until it struck again.

Third Time:

School started back up, at this time I’m seventeen, and starting my senior year.  Everything seemed to be going well, I was 53 in my class of 674, I was in the national honor society, my GPA was 3.87, I was set for college. Then everything changed. My mood swings became unmanageable, my outbursts were intolerable, and frankly I was constantly depressed. I started cutting, this slowly became severe as I started experimenting with blades and strokes. Pill popping became habitual. And I started getting into drugs. I had decided to runaway from home. So I did. The next morning, when the realization of my actions became real to me, I immediately hated myself. How could I do that? I called my frantic and hysterical parents as they came and got me. I felt so bad for what I had put my family through, I had once again decided this world would be better without me. After this episode I got diagnosed with BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder). I moved out, hoping I would feel better, that my problems would be solved. Many things happened during this time. I started practicing unsafe sex regualarly, got into cocaine and heroin, was in and out of abusive relationships, and picked cutting back up. I would cut daily, taking up chuncks of my body at a time, like a whole thigh, or my whole forearm, 360 degrees around. And I overdosed yet again, thinking the world didnt need me, didnt want me, so I spendt 4 days in the hospital. All this worsened until I got hit with big news.

Saving Grace:

I was pregnant. This came as a shock as I had been diagnosed with PCOS,  disease in which my ovaries didnt function properly. I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I slowly came to terms without as I had stopped all my self destructive behaviors, for my baby’s sake. I found a new love. I lived, and continue to live for my baby girl Zoey who pushes me to be the very best I can be. She is now a little more than a month old, born three months early,and still a fighter. She is fighting to live for me, so I will fight to live for her.

Thank you for actually reading this long ass post. I didn’t think it would be this long. Oh well, if you have any questions, or need/want me to explain anything in further detail just ask:)