I am 39 years old today. I always hoped and prayed i would never get this far, that something would happen or I would have the courage to end it. I never did. With each passing year more and more hope just dissipated that i would find someone and i am pretty sure that i am empty of what little hope there was. That really sucks because i still dont have the courage to end it.
So here i am, a shell of a human being, trying to fake being a person. There is just nothing left of me but genuine dispair. That is getting to be a challenge to hide, and to live with.
Can you be grateful and want out at the same time? I think i am. I have had good parents and good siblings and a good life. I am grateful for that. Happiness, love and even any real connection still eludes me. I have been able to show them just enough of me so they think i am ok but even that is getting hard to fake. They say the hardest thing in the world is to loose a child so i know i wont do anything for as long as they are around but it is getting harder to keep that promise to myself.
I just wish there were a god even just to make the argument to someone that i should not be here anymore. If there were one, it would probably fall on deaf ears.
I an tired of my own complaints, my own unending sadness. I am tired of a daily grind made more unbearable by the person that i have become. There is no more turning things around or no more third act where things come together. I want to die. I hope i find the courage when the time comes.
3 comments
im sorry you feel so badly. i dont know what to say, but im here to listen. Does anything bring you joy anymore?
Happy Birthday, Out of Phase
I am right there with you, emotionally. I know that does not help a lot but you are not alone. I am 52, alone. I am making a move back to the state I love… I do not enjoy where I am on top of having no friends, connections.
So, great. I am going home! But home? What is that? And I’m going alone. Still. It hurts. I want to find connections, support. I want to give support too! So, I am facing all of the fears I have about it never happening. That I will never matter.
But listen, it can happen. The first step for me, is admitting I want it. For so long I couldn’t hardly breath a word to anyone- me included. Now, I have a crisis line I can talk to, I talk about what I want and the fear of never making it. It helps so much to talk about it.
The next step is making small goals to change things. I have a few ideas of getting involved with groups or getting out, going for a walk when I feel so alone. In other words, not staying to myself.
You can find your own steps. You can look for people to have connections. I know it is hard and feels so impossible.
I celebrate that you still here today, this special day for you! — Esp. knowing you’ve experienced it for a long time.
I will pass along what a counselor at the crisis line told me when I mentioned how long it was… she said it is hard to face this for so long, it is tiring and takes all of your energy. It is not easy but you are getting through it.
Again, hold on.
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to Out of Phase
Happy Birthday to yoooouuuu
(Good thing you couldn’t hear me go off key there! 😉 )
I feel exactly the same…bought tears to my eyes bc it’s something I’d write. But I haven’t written anything yet….perhaps I will soon but it’ll go something like that.
Shit! I’m soon to b 31,it doesn’t get better does it…!??!!!!!!