I’m just so tired at this point that I don’t know what to do with myself. Two days ago during my two best friends wedding to each other I ducked out early, filled my car with all my belongings and was about to drive off and burn it all. I had bought two propane tanks I had intended to rupture, and a jerry can full of premium gasoline (which for some reason seemed funny being that I only buy low-grade) which I had intended to pour on everything including myself. It was going to be a loud painful and grizzly death but that’s how I wanted it.
During the last check to make sure I had gotten everything I fell over and was unable to get up again. I began crying and screaming that I was a coward and was too weak to go through with it – again.
Now its been two semi-sober days later and Ive only told a handful of people. My best friends are on their honeymoon unaware and I am drinking a coffee and scotch trying to make a plan for the rest of my life.
I’m here though and I’m picking up the pieces very slowly. I joined this site in the hopes of sharing that part of me and also to find a reason not to attempt a third time. I would like to come back with a positive message when I have one about how things turned out but at this point it’s just the ‘being alive and being’ part that I can express.
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4 comments
I’m glad you didn’t go through with anything. That just means you’re still here for something. I hope you stay around to figure out what that is. And really, that’s all anyone can do, is just pick up the pieces as best they can.
I hope we can help you here, and if you ever need to talk just let me know. Stay strong in the meantime, please?
Sometimes it is a matter of focusing in…. something I do is focusing in on my breathing, one breath at a time.
I’m glad that you didn’t go through with the self-ignition (I don’t know the term for it)…. I can only imagine the level of pain that it would have been….
There’s lots of good people on here. I recommend that the use of this site should be accompanied by other assistance IRL…. support groups, family, friends, etc.
Grab a seat…. 🙂
I will admit this: there are only a handful of things that have kept me from attempt 3 this morning. This site is definitely one of them.
I’m not gonna say I’m okay because that’s a lie. Since 9 am I’ve drank a bit of scotch ( 2 years sober -september 2013- but I used to drink like a champ so I learned to type sober) and have used a blade on my chest twice. The important thing is I’m still here and these things are maybe just aftershock effects.
The thing is you can’t predict when it will hit you and how you’ll respond – the urge to just quit I mean.
I used to be a hardcore christian, and am currently a evolutionary biologist so suicide keeps baffling me from a theoretical and faith based background. It just doens’t make sense except to the people who experience that beckoning to a deeper darker place
I’m glad I’m here and I’m glad I’m talking. The rest, I hope, will reveal itself.
“It was going to be a loud painful and grizzly death but that’s how I wanted it.” a VERY brave and courageous exit