Ending Before I Begin….

Where do I go from here? How do I even start to write this? It will be long and painful but I hope to give some light to my life….to help you understand where I have been and the footsteps that have brought me here.

I’ve been abused all my life. At the age of 1 my mother pour Mr. Clean down both my ears and caused my eardrums to rupture, causing me to lose my hearing. When I was 8 I received an at the time experimental surgery to give me back what they hoped would be some hearing. It worked and for the first time since I was 1, I heard again..but only my right ear as that is the one they did first. Recovery was so painful and hard on me, I didn’t get the other surgery until I was 15 to repair my left ear. It didn’t work as well but there was still some hearing. Eventually with time, it started to fade out again. I am totally deaf in my right ear now with only minimal hearing in my left but which is greatly increased by my CIC. (hearing aid).

When I was 7 I lost the only person who cherished me like I was made of gold….my great grandfather Sparky. 2 weeks after his passing my abusive mother married a man who sold me to the highest bidder for my virginity. They took turns as my mother watched on and filmed it. I have been bought and sold more times that I can honestly count. The last time I was raped I was in my teens. I’ve sought help more times than I can honestly count. I have been tied up for days on end, raped, beaten and tortured….slit open and abused all for the enjoyment of someone else. My body is a battleground of scars. They are the road map of my life, the journey of where I have been. I can’t seem to heal, it has left me socially dysfunctional. Although I am good at pretending…after all my job growing up was all about pretending and keeping up the masquerade. I was a charade in the shadows of life.

My mother has told me many times, even so recently when I reached back out to her because I honestly had no one to turn to, that I am and still the biggest fuck up that has ever graced this earth. And that I am worthless and a horrible mother and that I should just go ahead and kill myself and do the world a favor. She right.

I’ve lost everything that I have ever held dear. I have lost the only two things in this world that have ever meant anything to me. They say you can’t live for someone else but for yourself…sometimes that is all we have. And is it really wrong to live for someone else?

I have done a lot of stupid things in my time…I have learned the art of lying. I am good at deceiving. And I have used that to my advantage many many times because I honestly know nothing else. Its a habit that I have tried so hard to quit in spite of myself. I’ve created so many webs it’s hard to see which on is real and which ones are not. Its not what I want to do….a lot of it came from the need to hide and self preserve. The other to try and reinvent myself and be more than my past. That has failed me more times than I can count. I am so sorry for all things I have done. I am so ashamed. Like I said, I am very cunning when it comes to lies…I can spin one where you will never be able to find the end of it, it an be seamless and flawless because I’ve learned to think ahead. However what has gotten me to this point, I didn’t do that….because I wanted to get caught and at the same time, I thought I needed to be more than what I was in order for the love of my life to want me love me like I love and want him. How wrong was I? So very and I realized it all too late. But out of everyone, it was he that I thought would stand the test of time with me. I pushed all the boundaries to try and push him away to see what he would do. He told me no matter what, that he loved me for me and the person he saw underneath and that he would never walk away and we could and would work through it all….he begged me to come clean. And come clean I did….and you know what? He walked away. As he put it, I was too emotionally draining and I know that I was. But that was due to all my walls and me fighting with my inner self to let go and finally just be happy. I was loved for the first time in my life and I was in love for the first time ever. But while he claims to not have judged me and that he wanted to always be there for me…he still said goodbye. I wish I could blame him but how can I? Although if the roles were reversed, I know I would have stayed and tried. Because we all deserve another chance at redemption. (well most of us….meaning pedophiles and rapist etc deserve nothing but what they reap)

I’ve had very few intimate relationships in my lifetime because I’ve had the hardest time getting close to anyone in that way. Plus, I hate the way I look when I’m undressed. Even though I am very thin and petite, my scars remind me everyday of who I really am and I hate them for it. And in so I hate for others to see them. But I found someone that released every single fear I ever had….I found love and while it scared the hell out of me, and as much as I wanted to push it away, I wanted to pull it closer. In the end I screwed up so bad that it was beyond repair. He walked away and said he loved me not anymore. Love in my opinion is a light switch, it’s there one moment and gone the next. Flip a switch and it’s over.

I just wish he could understand how sorry I am for all the stupid lies and my need to be more. I saw what I was doing right from the start and I could have stopped it. But it was like a runaway train.

The world keeps turning and he moves ever on. He no longer feels any kind of love for me. I know this as the email I just got confirmed that totally.

Back to the other reasons that have lead me here tonight…to write this down. I need someone to finally here me. See me. I once was a butterfly in the making, now I will take these wings and fly.

For a while now I have been keeping a log of all my thoughts…and I will share them here because maybe it will help someone here. And some things may repeat themselves…but I’m getting off track here.

I’ve been abused, sexually, physically and emotionally….and yes that has left my mental state in a blunder. I really have tried but I have failed over and over again. I got into my first relationship and paid dearly for it. I was abused in every way you can think. I was forced into being a baby making machine because that is the way the LDS church thinks. That was the way my partner treated me….I had more miscarriages than I can count…well, actually I can but that is not productive here. (Yes, I got mixed up in the LDS church……they are not all bad, I swear!!!) Then I almost died at his hands, he was taken to jail and I did what I did best, I ran…with nothing to my name. I find someone else later on….we worked in a different way. He was kind…loved me or so it seemed in the beginning but alas he was more broken than I at the time. He had a meltdown of epic proportions and walked out on our family. He left me with 2 children to raise on my own after waking me up and telling me “I don’t love you anymore and I don’t think I ever was in love with you.” and then gets up and walks out the door. He eventually comes back because he has no place else to go to at the time, I did my very best to help him and put our family back together. But he left again…and with it shattered me even more than I already was.

Time passes….things go on. I moved on. I ended up getting involved with someone who was married. I was told all the lies and I knew they were lies but I cared not. At this point sex was a commodity and it was the only thing I was/am good at. And believe me I know that…. But he betrayed all my trust and crushed my soul even further and for that I took him down with me in my pain. I made sure everyone knew just what he did and what kind of person he really was. I gave away part of myself in trade for a friendship that I thought was there….I ended up being nothing more than a mistress/hooker to him.

Then…..I found “HIM”. The one I had waited for all my life. We were so perfect and I was actually in love. So deeply, I fell so completely within his amber eyes and in turn he was just as smitten. At first I was scared….and I was already fucking things up because it was too good to be true (and it was) and at the time he love and devotion and need for me ran further than my own…but it didn’t take long before I saw the universe in his eyes. And I needed him just as much as he needed me….before the tables turned and he no longer needed me like i needed him. Before his love was just a light switch. CLICK. And yes, I know I did so many stupid things…and yes, there we stupid and so very obvious and I did it on purpose on some level and subconsciously. And on some level I needed all the lies to be true because I needed that worth forever reason. I realized all to late that it was never needed at all. And now I pay the price. We both moved heaven and earth at one point to be together and when we collided like dual stars, we created something new…a supernova of blistering light.

Again, all good things must come to an end. I was forced to walk away just like he was. He said he would love me evermore but that was a lie. But who am I to talk about lies…as I told so many. But my love for him was so real and still is for I am still so in love with him. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and redo it all. But then again, maybe this is exactly what was suppose to happen. In the end at least for a very short moment in time, I was loved….really loved….really needed….and someone was in love with me and I them.

I returned home. I went out for a ride. I was reconciling with myself I was out alone on an ATV. I wasn’t going fast, I wasn’t feeling like I am now. I was honestly just out to clear my head and try to make sense of things. I even smiled once….then the ground gave way for a pothole next to a cliff that I couldn’t get out of in time…that I never saw coming until it was too late. I fell 40ft with the ATV landing on me twice before bouncing and rolling further before coming to a stop 2 inches from a 1000 ft drop. Once my wits where about me….crying and afraid. Screaming for help on the side of a mountain. Evaluating my situation and injuries…not realizing at first how bad I was. I was cut up and torn flesh and bleeding…I then tried to stand only to realize painfully that my hip was broken and my leg dislocated. In flip flops, I crawled up backwards, up the side of a crumbling cliff up 40ft to reach the road from where I had fallen.. Thinking at the time only of my children and the love of my life. Thinking I had to survive for them. I then crawled another mile backwards on my hands using my flip flops on my hands from blistering heat of the rocky road. I dragged myself until some people on ATV found me. I need to point out that I was not wearing a helmet at all and somehow and please do not ask me how because I do not know, I never hit my head not even once. Although it landed a cm from a sharped pointed jagged rock that could have easily impaled me. I was then life flighted off the mountain. I bad badly battered and my hip was broken in 3 places and my leg was put back into socket. No one could understand how I had survived without worse injuries and neither do I.

Then the other shoe dropped. My ex the one that went loco on me and left me, came and took my children…the reason I get up in the mornings and said he was filing for full custody. Never giving me a reason as to why. He wanted to get back together and I had declined earlier that week…and with me broken in the hospital he took his revenge.

The love of my life was contacted and was so concerned and comforted me before a few days later completely turning his back on me. And maybe I did too. All I knew was that I had single handedly lost everything in one go….again.

I have lost everything and I mean everything. I’ve lost my home, my life, my soulmate, my children, my hope, my reason for being. Skyping with them has shown me in my heighten stated of shock and sorrow that I am not even needed by them. They are perfectly happy without me. They are young so they won’t miss me when I am gone. I did everything in my power to love them, to show them that love everyday, to give them all they needed, to always be there for them and I always was. But I can’t fight the battles anymore. I can’t take all that this entails. I can’t keep moving in these circles where everything thing keeps getting taken from me. There is so much more to this story and so much detail that I am leaving out because if I put it all in this would be a novel and not a post and I am already written a short story at this point.

All I know, is I am doing what my mother has always wished I would do and take myself out of the equation, to do the world a favor. Before I full committed to this, I reached out again…to everyone and anyone I could think of. I even called a hotline….and nothing…I got nothing. People that were suppose to be close to me told me to get over it…seemed disinterested and was like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s okay you will get over it.” How do you get over something that has crushed every ounce of your soul. Watch as I delicately rip my heart out, as I deserve more for it….then again maybe I do not.

I will include the entries that I have made over the past few months in hopes that someone will find something within them that they can relate to. I’ve chosen my choice. I will do the exit bag with a sitting hanging. So that when I pass out, I will hang….and my hands will not be able to get in the way. I’ve made certain of how to do it. I know it will not fail. As of Monday I will be gone. There is nothing left in me to give, there is no more hope…I am so far gone. I wish the ATV crashed and just killed me. It breaks my heart more in knowing what I am going to do. My own family doesn’t even care and I have the emails to prove that…. I shall not be missed. No one will even notice when I am gone and that is sad. No service will be held at my request as no one would attend it anyways. i really am all alone in the spinning wheel of emotions. Again, there is so much more to this story but again, it would be fruitless to try and say it all….could have one hell of a book and movie.

All I can say, is once again my world was shattered and yes most of it was my own fault but I gave trust and love to one that I thought wouldn’t leave me when the truth came out. And my lies were stupid but were they that damaging, not entirely. Something I figured he could have forgiven like he said he would, and continue to love me like he said he would. But I stole trust too…. And it wasn’t anything like cheating in case you are sitting there wondering. I just built up my talents in areas I really didn’t have any. I just wanted to be more than what I was.

My world is a Figure 8 and I am forever chasing….no longer that butterfly in the making. And if you are still with me after this point, I thank you. What follows is a collection of my thoughts…and in the end, I bid you all farewell. My days are numbered and there is no going back at this point for there is not going forward in this life. It literally has all been taken from me. For now I just play pretend again before the mask finally falls. I’m done with the charade, the lies and the games.

The last weeks of my life (a collection of my thoughts):

I’ve gone around in circles…thinking whether I should really write this message or not. I’ve spent most of my life running from myself and others. The fear of getting hurt has always been far greater than my sense of self. I know the world works in circles and as thus much it changes but only slightly so.

I’ve often found myself alone (happens more often than not) contemplating the world around me. And reflecting in on myself…as a person and as a whole. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was more able, more self assured. But that is not the reality of it all. Then again, who is to say what a reality really is. They say time heals all wounds…but we all know that is not always the case. Time is a bandage we place upon ourselves. And as we all know…bandages do not last forever. For within the walls we have built, there will always be cracks…for with time everything erodes. I am not an exception to that rule…far from it. I am finding the older I grow and the more time moves on the more pain that really lies within the surface of my mind. For I have been through much and have lived a thousand lives in one and no matter how much time passes, how much I have locked away, how many bridges I have tried to burn, no matter how far away I have run, or how much I have hidden myself from the world…….I am unable to escape my past or my mind. I have learned to cope with the world around me and I have learned to cope or rather get use to the noise in my head….but I have yet…I finally realize…been able to move on. Everything that has happened to me has affected everything in my life; in one way or another. It has shaped the woman who I am now, it has shaped the way I view the world, it has shaped the way I think, live and breathe. I am affected. At times, I am lost, confused, ashamed, tormented, shattered. There are no words that I could ever find that could even come close to describing how I really feel inside.

I’ve learned to release my feelings in other ways and not always is that productive or healthy. There have been far too many times where I have pushed down feelings until I explode like molten hot lava racing towards a village in the need to destroy. I have turned inward on myself, I have been faced with the “reality” of me. I have struggled and overcome; fallen and drowned. I know I am not alone in my feelings, I know now that this is normal, that I am not an anomaly, an outcast, a reject of human design. I am deeply flawed we all are…just some more than others. I know now that I like so many others have suffered in silence. That even though more than 30 years has gone by, I’m still hurting and the pain is still as real to me today as it was 30 years ago. That the simple act of having someone reaching for me can have me recoiling as fast as the speed of light…or have me wanting to melt so deeply into something that I hope will not hurt in the end. But alas…I still stand alone…in my own world…in my own mind and hurt…deeply…completely…as I struggle to maintain a normal appearance on the outside…..while I slowly self destruct.

Do not think, I have not sought help…for I have…many times. But it never seems to do any good. I can’t open up on the level I need to…its too painful too shameful. Where do I go from here, I wonder. How do I move on when I can’t even voice the reality of my pain to myself at times.Again..where do I go from here?

I am standing at the moment, on the edge..nay the cusp of something more, something great and yet….yet…I can’t let go…I can’t move on…for the fear of what all that entails. I have finally have a real chance at happiness and yet I can’t let go long enough to allow that to happen. I can’t let go for fear of falling under. And in as much…again, I destroy….I eroded myself further into the unknown.

I am always ending before I begin…

I know in the end, I am my own worst enemy. I am no different than the person that is addicted to drugs or alcohol. If love is a comfort then why do I find it so disconcerting. If trust is a burden….who have they entrusted me to? I might need some information of letting go and hearts full of snow. A sadness so contagious I have become fond of it. And in the end it never last, this suffering…if only joy would remain and someone would black out the stars of my memory. If only there was someone to run to…but I would push them away anyway. It never last because I can’t handle what I see, what I feel. I’ve been standing here all my life; waiting for something that will never come because it’s impossible to find. Its impossible to achieve. Listen to me as I delicately rip my heart out, I deserve more for it. Maybe we all do. Then again, I don’t think I deserve anything for it at all. So throw it upon the flames that light the sky at night and watch it burn.

So tell me where do we go? So tell me why the stars continue to shine when all I see is blackness. The heart of man, so dark and so cold. Won’t someone please black out the stars and take down the sun and let me run into the night. For my mind consumes. Let the world go cold and bring an end to this noise this hurt that is my mind.

Tonight I have probably had one of the most significant arguments in my life. Which not only makes me realize just how much of a fraud I am but how much I am not. If love is a comfort how come I can’t find comfort within it? Its a feeling so contagious that I find myself drowning….

I find myself wanting to run and hide…disappear completely. For what I have done is not simple but complex and painful…deceitful and there is no going back. Maybe I had a chance at one time but no more…I didn’t take when it was offered because I couldn’t face it. Because I thought I would lose the one thing that meant the most to me. In the end, I might just lose it anyway. There is nothing left to say for I can no longer find the words that lurk within my heart. I have burned myself into flames and unlike the Phoenix, I shall not rise. I will be the ashes on the wind…the embers that still burn low and wait for the world around them to grow cold. I only have myself to blame. As much as I wish I could blame my past and believe me when I say, that has a lot to add to it. But I am my own person and in as much I made the wrong choices. I question myself why…every time…why this need, why can’t I not be happy with just who I am. And again, I know the answer before I finish that thought…..there is no one underneath…there is no woman beneath the mask…there is only, hatred and a shattered soul that has long since died…only dust remains. Dust of an empty long lost forgotten dead soul.

Love….what is that really? I have it…but do I really know what that is? Do I really know how to love? I know that I would lay down my life in an instant for this person. I know I would fight to the death if harm was ever to come. Yet, my need outside those things to self preserve seems to be stronger. What does that say about me? Then I wonder…is it really self preservation that I am hiding behind or the fact that I honestly know not, how to really feel and communicate on a normal enough level that it seems like something else. I know I shut down and turn around and can’t feel the ground beneath me most of the time.

Again, where do I go from here? How do I move on and fix what I’ve broken when shattered hearts and a torn soul lies strone all around me. How do I make everything right when I know there is no coming back from the turmoil of a hailstorm I created. Where do I go from here? Again, how do I fix what I have broken?

I’ve lied to my inner self and soul so much, my partner is right, I really don’t know who I am. And I don’t…at least I don’t think I do. And I have done enough self examination to know, I am severely lacking in a soul, a heart, the thing that makes me human. Most of us can pro-create…I can do that…well, I use to be able to do that…and I have…I can breathe…most of us can do that to. I can cry…sometimes….everyone can do that….I feel pain…most people can do that as well…I dream…everyone else does that too…. I am human in every aspect except where it really counts. I am cold…I am calculating, I am mean, I am angry, I am lost, I am vicious, I move within the motions of life but nothing more… Motions at this point are all I know. I am just another body without a soul. I am nothing and yet I am everything because even in the end, I still breathe…even when I wish I wasn’t….I still cry…even when I wish I couldn’t…and I am still flesh and blood…I am still the dust….and when I am gone only one will remember my name…only one….until I fade like a painting that no one ever saw.

I have a lot to own up for and I have a lot to fix before I say goodbye. And I know my days are numbered. I thought I could just live the way I had been living and leave it all behind…after all…what does it matter when I am gone, if no one knows the truth. What does it matter… but somehow…in the end….it honestly does. Now I have to figure out how to make things right or as close as I can. No matter what, no one can ever undo the full damage one has done but one can try and at least do their best to clean up their mess and at worst….apply the proverbial bandage. Which as I stated before, is only a temporary fix to anything.

Where do I go from here? Where do I start? How can I make right all the things I have done wrong?

I’m lost for words and yet I have said so many through this message to whom I have no audience to. Then again, I think this message is meant more for me than anyone else. I never set out to actually write it to anyone, except maybe I thought possibly I might post it on a forum that deals with adults dealing with childhood sexual abuse. In hopes that my ramblings might give another some insight and hopefully not make the same mistakes that I have made over and over throughout my life.

I keep thinking that once I figure out who I am not, then I will know who I am. I do not think that will be the case. I think by the time I figure out who I am not, I will not have the luxury of time to find out who I am. But maybe if I am lucky I will glimpse that before I go. And I think that could possibly be enough. 32 years old and still searching…where do I go from here.

I am implored to add what I recently wrote to a good friend of mine, someone I admire for all that he is and what he stands for, even if everything he stands for is somehow jaded and concerted.

“Out of all the people that have passed through my life you are one of the more enlightened. And if I am honest….and I mean really honest….I am lost. I am still lost. I am that sheep that forever is the Shepherd looking for. I still no not who I am…just not who I am not. I am still stumbling through life. And the man that is in love with me is a fool. He sees me for everything I am and for everything I am not. I feel sometimes he has this ideal of me…which again if I am honest, is true and that is my own doing. I know in the end I am a fraud….of different kind. I mean no harm to anyone… I only want to love him as he loves me….but how do I do that when I do not love myself? When I think i am unworthy of his affection? How do I let go of something that is so deeply ingrained in me? I know that I may not be making much sense…but I have found myself more and more…hating who I am. Most of the time I feel like fraud a liar because I am so good at hiding and yet I am not good at it at all…and he can see right through me like no one can. And I know by the time I wake I will regret this email to you but I am really lost as to who I am. He knows I am sick and still wants to be with me and for that I think him a fool. I also know that he thinks that I hide and lie on a regular basis in order to self preserve and that makes him wonder about me and rightfully so. Lets be honest for a moment and state the truth….my life is insane and remarkable….we both know that…hell all three of us know it….it doesn’t seem real and how I wish…I wish so much with all my heart that I was a liar deep down inside but between you and I….we both know that is not true. Tell me please, where do I go from here? I have stayed away from these feelings as best as I can and again, I know you know that. You have seen my walls that I have delicate built for so long. And again, I admit and only to you….that sometimes the bottom of a bottle is the only thing I know…and I see myself more and more drawn to that numbing pain decision. Because in the morning I won’t remember. And please don’t take this as me unloading on you…I am imploring you…how do I go on? Is happiness only a lie? A state of mind? Another lie that we tell ourselves?”

After reading this over again….and again…I don’t even know what to say. Other than its obvious where my mind was at the time that I wrote it. And that thought scares me because I see and feel it everyday that I wake. As each day passes, the more to the drink I am drawn for the pain…both physical and mental. Because as I wrote, I find relief at the bottom of the bottom…after the first couple of drinks that make me face who I am…make me feel in the space where I never let myself feel…I start to go totally numb and by morning, I won’t remember the pain…at some point during the whole thing I won’t remember a thing. And in that is a sense of relief. Relief from the pain that plagues my body and continues to grow and seep and seek it’s way through my system….and for the fact that all the screams in my head and all the reality and the lies and the mirror cracked fade away into a sweet blackness of muffled silence.

A little over 7 years ago….I decided that my time here on earth was up. That I was done, I couldn’t take the pain of anything anymore. I welcomed death like an old friend and prayed with all my worth for that silky blackness to fall over me like that of the sky to earth. I woke 5 days later in the hospital after having 2 heart attacks….both of which I had to be revived from. Or so I was told…. I remember the deep pain to this day from that moment…to the steps that brought me to there. I want to say it was easy but easy was it not but I felt I had nothing to live for and at the time, I honestly didn’t. I asked for help…to which no one replied. No one would hear me. I went to the only family I had…my mother and my grandmother and neither could or would hear me. I was lost and torn apart. I implored a friend, I tried to seek help to no availed. I couldn’t understand why no one was willing to help me…but how could I possibly expect anyone to help me when the very people I went to never listen to me to begin with. So there I stood…at a time…staring at 2 bottles of sleeping pills and a tall glass of water. There I stood, staring at the last moments of my life. There I took the pills one by one at first as tears streamed down my face…there I eventually sat crying as I wrote one last poem…as I took the very last of the pills before sending out a mass text to everyone I knew (that meant anything to me). Imploring them to forgive me for what I never could be and any heartache that I might cause as I quickly spiraled into oblivion. I remember that day all too well and rightfully so I suppose. But in the end…I am not sure what came of the whole situation was the best outcome. For in the end….meaning now…I have spent days thinking how I wish I had never lived through it. How I have come to find myself contemplating my heart and my shattered soul at this point again. How have I come to contemplating my last moments before they are even up? How have I come to thinking about the unthinkable? Interestingly enough, that is probably one of the easiest questions I could ever answer at this point. I actually can’t help but chuckle a little at this point because it’s so sad and pathetic it’s funny…well not the reason why, just the whole situation that I once again got myself into. Not to say that I have done what I did before but that I have yet again, managed to single handedly ruin my life…yet….again. Please excuse me yet again as I laugh in vain and hatred at myself. (LOL)

And now I am actually sitting here wondering why I never took out an insurance policy on myself….then I answer myself easily enough. I’ve been told that in the end the sorrow doesn’t last and only joy remains….whoever said that must have never been so far gone that they couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

For months now I have been struggling with one question….how do I end it? How do I stop the runaway train that I personally set in motion for the need to be something more than I actually am. Because I need to run from myself and because some of what I was got lost on the way due to do something that was outside of my control over the past few years. I can tell you now that I wasn’t able to…because I couldn’t face it, I couldn’t own up…because I was scared of losing the one thing that meant anything…because..because…because….I guess these are all excuses but in the end they are the truth. It’s a sadness again, that is so contagious that I guess I became fond of it. And look at me now….I say this to myself…as I walk by a mirror that I have become to hate but can’t help stare into for long moments in time….as I see the woman that supposedly stares back at me in utter shattered defiance…as I wondered who hurt her so badly that she looks at me like that…then I remember I am her and I already know the answer. She is I and I am her….we are……………….shattered. Lost….stolen…maybe we should have ate more pies. (read a sign that said…skinny people are easy to kidnap…eat more pies)

Now I stand face to face with myself and I don’t know what I see…all I know is what I want to see. I want see the woman who is true…that is “normal” that is loved and cared for….and that understands the greater pond that is love. That knows that for once love is not a light switch. That knows that when she wakes the one she loves will still be there and loves her just as much as she loves him. That she could let go and be open and honest and let it flow through her veins as she always dreamed of and longs for…..because somewhere underneath it’s boils. I want to be more I want to be ordinary and extraordinary….all at the same time. I want to be able to match what I have always been “worth” I want so much more and yet I want nothing at all. I want him to see me for me and love me for more than that. And I thought that building myself up in stupid asinine ways was the answer…when I knew he wasn’t that stupid but I thought….actually I don’t know what I thought….I just want to compete with his greatness in order to be loved. Stupid right? Of course it is….. For once I wanted to be loved for me but I thought that entailed something more…again, I needed to compete with his greatness because I thought only then would I be worth his love. How wrong was I? So very wrong. And I will be honest…there were something I tried to regain from it all…..a part of me that I lost several years ago that I tried to get back. And it was so stupid and wrong and I hurt him deeply and in as much I wish I could cut out my own heart….I was such a fool. I was so wrong and in the end again, there is no going back and fixing what I broke. And there is no redemption in this case and there should not be…and I am waiting…standing with baited breath….waiting….for him to walk out as he should. These are the times I want to call him a fool but how incorrect would that be of me? I am far from perfect….again pardon me as I laugh at my own self……. who am I to judge? I never really have….mainly because I know….I know that I am so far from perfect that I couldn’t even form a judgement if I wished.

Tonight we spoke of how he his staying because of how much he loves me….and how if he wasn’t really in love with me he, he wouldn’t still be here…And while I am so fucking grateful for that fact and believe me I am….more than grateful….I can’t help but think I am so wrong for him and how he should walk away and move on and find someone that is so far better matched for him than I….and I want to feel bad for me…but how can I when I need him so much not for any reason than that I love him so…… God, all these conflicting emotions in my head…. I don’t know where I stand or where I should start or even if I should still be breathing at this point. How easy would it be for me at this point to walk away deep into the night and freeze, with my heart condition? How easy would it be for me to walk away and disappear into nothingness which is what a huge part of me wants to do and knows I will do when he finally decides to turn and run…again I blame him not…. I only know for the first time in my life I can’t live without someone and I hate myself for that more and more everyday….how did I ever become so weak when I never needed anyone before.

Why am I still babbling? Why am I still here? Why am I still talking to someone that isn’t there??? Why, why, why???? God, how screwed up can I be? For here to eternity, I am the one of the most messed up souls that there is….okay, I am giving myself too much credit; yet again. I realized…just know I Haven’t actually used the “;” since I started this whole thing….sorry random. Who the fuck am I saying sorry too? Myself….????

Okay…as of right now, I have to go put on a show and then sleep must ensue. So for now, I bid myself goodnight. Here is to another day and another bottle of vodka.

I love you not. (meaning me)

Where do I go from here?

God, honestly where do I go from here? Again, pardon me while I laugh as I do not believe in a god or a heaven nor hell…..

I want to point out that I hate me….so very much….especially when drinking…..

Walls, walls, walls, walls….walls everywhere….all around. No matter where I look there is not sky only cracks of faint light through some of the walls I have built.

I can’t seem to leave the down long enough to fight through….to break through and prove who I am underneath. If I feel a threat or a on the defensive…if I feel under attack of any kind, they immediately snap up and lock tight. I go cold and unfeeling, I put myself on a level so deep where pain means nothing and I let the cold seep through my bones, until the artic wind is all but warm to me.

I could walk for days in a frozen tundra daze….trying to find the Northern Lights to no avail. I could walk for a dozen nights, lost in a fog so dense that there is no seeing the light from the dark.

Where do I go from here?

Everytime I turn around all I do is destroy. I lock down tight, my actions never seem like enough and I am not sure what is to come. I keep failing even when I actually try. Things are never as clear as they seem and nothing is ever without a nightmare in the moor.

My wall again…so high…I can’t see the light…I can’t answer something in which I wish I could for fear of what that will mean. What will that mean? Actions louder than words…sometimes I believe words are more powerful, especially when one can’t fight the walls to make their real intentions, their real emotions clear. Sometimes, all we have is words and sometimes all we have is silence. And occasionally, sometimes we have neither and only actions remains; even then sometimes all three fall through, what are we left with? Darkness.

Have you ever wondered what really lies beyond the sea? The one we claimed are made by dreams and a heaven that fails to be real. Do you ever wonder what it is to just “be”? To dream on that milky white sea…. Do the stars shine through you? Or are you like me…a black hole no one can avoid.

How many drinks does it take to drown out the pain? Again, I am speaking about me…but what the hell, this message is to me in the end. But I feel at this time I should take one moment to breathe in and out…and through the wall reach out and say. I am pushing away the only person I have ever really loved and because of that I am losing my entire world. And for whatever reason, my small brain, thinks this is the way to fix things. That I am sparing him in the end of the final goodbye…the one where he watches me take one last breath…the one where his world shatters even further than anything I could ever say to him at this moment in time.

I’m working my way through my feelings…through this message to myself. I am hoping that by doing so, I can see the forest for the trees…learn to hold onto my temper…as I so much want to change and I know I will. I have to…not just because its the best thing to do but I am not willing to let go of the one I love most. And I don’t want to destroy him with my hate, rage, and walls that I have crafted….I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I never want to watch him suffer for my actions as I stand there seemingly emotionless inside; while all the while the two parts of me battle for standing ground. Trying to fight through the chrysalis that I have cocooned myself in. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that I make it….that we make it. That I fix what I have broken. That I mend the scars that I have placed upon both our hearts and show him that I can be that woman that he fell in love with underneath it all. That behind the masquerade of arctic chill…of ice and wind, that there is a good person….one that loves him more and more each day. One that has yet to give it all away due to fear of being hurt or behind shut down…the one that forever waits to be left behind, because that is all she has ever known. And through this process of detrimental pain and sadness that I have brought upon him…I have gleamed something very valuable to myself. A knowledge and while I knew it all along, I never really knew it. I finally saw, just how much not only does he loves me. He is willing to fight for me…to keep me close and help show me a different world of possibilities where true love and happiness does really exist. And I hate myself on all accounts that: 1) I, ever deceived him in the first place because of some stupid preconceived notion that I wasn’t good enough to have someone so talented and loving to even look my way. And I needed to compete with him in order to gain his affections. 2) That I have built my walls so strong and my need to self preserve comes before him in so many ways and I am going to try so hard to change that…. 3) That with every self destruction step I have taken; has taken another piece of his heart and hurt him deeply. That I am the cause of all the cracks and shards that I see laying all around me.

I asked him: “Where do I go from here? How do I fix what I broke.” And he gave me a series of different ways I could go and how I should start. At the time they didn’t make much sense because I couldn’t voice what was in my head in any capacity. And I fought against it. Back against the wall, not budging, refusing…contemplating…screaming inside.

Everyday, I come closer to the truth. I see my pitfall in my downfall. I know things are coming to an end soon. I know I will end up alone and I deserve no less than that. I couldn’t be who I wanted to change so badly…so deeply…all those years ago. I fell for my own lies within my trap to not only self preserve but to be someone new to try and break free. And that was my biggest mistake…

That and not knowing when to stop…..

Not knowing how to learn when to stop, now…soon…very soon, I shall be left with what I have done. Left in the wake of utter loneliness and shatter permanently into a number of pieces. There is no going back, no saving what I have single handedly destroyed. All I know in the end is I’m losing EVERYTHING… I do not cherish much but I do cherish two things…who are not things at all. But two people who I love most. Utterly, completely….broken heartedly…soulfully…for without them I do not exist. For without them my life means nothing.

Again, this begs the question, where do I go from here?

I’m slowly planning out my days. Trying to cope with what is to come. Thoughts of going “home” (stateside)…to say goodbye. Watching faces and hearts break…(just the two) as I slowly unravel, unfold, destroy, disintegrate.

Time is a measurement but yet it holds no meaning to some. A marker, a definition of milestones we have reached. Day in and day out we wake with a so called promise of a new day…for some it turns out to be just that, for others…a punishment left standing…a reminder that life still goes on. That people still move in never ending circles.

What came first? Love or pain? Pain or love?

Deep into the water, deep into the dark, deep into places all stories have to start…I have a fear of falling under. I know I have gone too deep, too deep into the seams too deep into my darken dreams. Fear of what the truth sees, fear of the truths I will tell. Reach into a top hat, reach in all alone, reaching in for a rabbit and come up with a stone. Skipping it through water…searching for pieces…pieces. Pieces I have left behind; discarded moments in the wasteland of my mind. Eyes burning like dying embers in the night…love is like a candle, slowly dying. Breathing fast, yet slows like lightning through the night as my heart continues to die. Who am I?

I watch as eyes bore into my but seemingly refuse to meet mine most of the time. As time ticks away, I wonder….I wait….a bit more of myself dies. I feel the pain running deep and wild within my mind. I feel the comfort of an old friend within loneliness. I find myself pulling away. I keep trying to come close only to realize that I’m the only one reaching and I recoil like I’ve been slapped. I deserve no less but part of me can’t help but feel the deep encroaching pain, as I berate myself for all that I have done. There is no forgiving myself for I have done this to myself and to him. I’ve pushed because I…..I don’t really have an answer for that. I wanted and needed to be something more because I needed him to love me, because I love him so. I thought I had to be more…and a part of me wanted to be something..anything…before I took my last breathe. Now, I will be what I always was….nothing….unloved…discarded….wasted. And I only have myself to thank. There is no going back, there is no fixing anything….I realize that more and more each and everyday. And everyday the pain and the anger within myself builds…bubbles…seeths…I’m like a champagne bottle under pressure and I just keep getting shook up. It won’t be long before I explode. (within myself…not anyone else…I’ll just melt away) At times I want to fight to strive and keep going on and others times…I just want to close my eyes and slip into the darkness. Fall into that inky silky blackness that curls around my soul like a invisible ribbon. Make me blind to light…mere conscious thought that I hope will cease.

Again, I think I have said this before, time is a funny thing…so is the heart. Does it ever really knows what it wants? Can like time, can it ever be sated? Does it ever really know what it’s like to beat for another…in this case I can say it does. I’ve felt it, I breathe it, and I know it would fail to beat if it was all taken away from me.

I’ve walked through the rain, through dense fog, I’ve seen the stars as they slowly grow dark in a lightening sky. I’ve contemplated, I’ve gone within myself and found the deeper parts of me, of which I wish to forget. I am complex in design, intricate like that of a spiders web. But unlike a web there is a flaw in my design, and in as much, I am not so complex at all, not so intricate of a design. In the greater scheme of things, I am all of ordinary, actually I’m more than ordinary….I’m sub-ordinary. And because of that, it makes me that much more complex and yet not complex at all. For all the ramblings within the junkyard of my mind, this forbidden fortress that even I dare not leave nor enter….for within all my walls….I’ve come to realize there is only one thing left to find….and that is that little girl that does understand how to let go. How to escape what torments her and for that I am forever punished. For most of the things that drive me is her, for most of the mistakes I make is because of her. And while I am the grown version of her, I am the product of her own creation. I am what she made me, even when I deviated from the path and took my own road, it all comes back to bite me in the ass. It all comes to me being self destructive. I don’t understand what it is that she needs to be sated…and yet, I do. I really do. But that is not something that I shall ever find here….nor in death. For in the end, we are who we are.

I’ve made a wrong turn more than once or twice, dug my way out blood and fire. Bad decisions that I can’t take back but welcome to my fucked up life. Mistreated, misunderstood, miss no you are never going to be good enough, mistaken, always second guessing, and underestimated, but look I’m still around. I am so mean when I talk about myself and I’ve tried to change the voices in my head and make them like me instead. I’m so complicated, look at the mess I’m making. I’ve done all I can think of as I chase down my demons. As I hit myself in the face, as I’m pulling my hair out, as I slam myself into all my walls, as I try to breakdown all that I am, all that I have become. As I try to see the light deep within me. Peel open the layers, bite into this onion, taste if for the thrill.

As this dream comes to a close and I lose all my ground within this sea. As I stare through liquid emerald as the stars finally fall from the sky, I am seeing things more clearly than I ever have before. For now I am found and lost all at the same time. I’m losing everything, all within an instant….my world will perish. In 7 days I walk away from the only person I have ever loved in my entire life outside of my daughter, in order to try and rebuild something that I am terrified to do. In a place that will eat and tear at my very core. There won’t be anything left to me and I will forever be changed again…and I may not come back the same. A shattered force of stardust and particles that have swam underneath for eons. As liquid amber eyes swim with tears and fall to the ground in resounding beauty and sorrow, I will forever be in love with the man that has shown me that what is underneath…the ordinary, plain version of myself is worth more than anything that would have made me extraordinary. And as fire races through my veins like acid rain, I will stand at the edge of the earth waiting for him to come back to me. I’ll be waiting for the day that I can return HOME to his arms and his love. Until then I will fight, crawl, bleed, set the world on fire, climb any mountain and swim any ocean to rebuild what I have broken along the way.

Days have past….weeks even, since I have come here and recorded my thoughts. I have struggled with myself for I don’t know how long. I have watched my world build up and crumble over and over and over again…not all the time was it my fault then again, I guess it was because I made the wrong choices. I have watched everything come to a close, I have watched my world fall and disappear, I have seen the other side in an instant. I have watched as the light in my eyes has faded. I have tried so god damn hard to be more than I am. I have tried to crawl up out of the dirt where I came from…where THEY put me…I am that beaten weed that has thrived…and now I give in and I tell you I have had a enough. I am here to tell the world, I give in you win. I am not the fighter the warrior you thought I was. Even warriors get tired….I am human..I have feelings, and yet somehow everyone has forgotten that as they pass by me in a blur of color that means nothing. I am a faded painted, forgotten and left to rot upon a wall. I see now more than ever, I am really not needed here….my purpose came and went….I created and I gave life…but outside of those things that was all I was ever good for. Love me for a lifetime? No….I wasn’t meant for that. I here to breed, however my offspring end up is beyond me. I know I am a fuck up beyond all reason. My mother was right about that. She was right about a lot in the end…she was right in the thinking that she should have aborted me when she had the chance. She was right to treat me as her doormat. I may be human but apparently I wasn’t meant to have feelings, that was the flaw in the design. And its okay, hopefully my pain and my thoughts will help someone else along the way…in the end that is all I can hope for. That and that my children in which I leave behind will one day know just how much I loved them. How I did fight for them how I lost the war over and over….that I tried so hard to protect them and failed. How I loved them with everything I ever was and that I hope that one day that not only know that but remember it to some degree.

This is the last thing I wrote to my best friend…a woman that I adore and admire in all the world. Even though far younger than I in age…her soul speaks of that of a thousand years old:

“You will go on..that is what you will do…that is what you shall do. You will find your soulmate, you will make the most beautiful of children, you will watch them grow up, you will watch as your grandkids play in your yard as you smile adoringly at all the wonder you have created. One day you will be Relief Society President, you will be one of the most righteous kind hearted woman that so many will ever know. Your heart will go down in history. You love will be infinite. And because of you, so many lives will be changed because you are what this world has been waiting for. You are and were created with the greatest of purpose. I don’t know much to be true but I do know that to be true. I know this these things as sure as I breathe….and the day you are call to that calling in which I mention, you will remember me…and for that I will live on. For only within this world that we take for granted, that we see in only passing glances…like water colors to a canvas….you will remember to stop…and see it more clearly for all the things that lay before you are beyond great. And like water colors…these liquid emerald eyes will forever behold something more beautiful than the sun…thank you for gracing my world with the most beautiful sun rise I have ever had the chance to see. I will love you always and if love really does continue from here…then I will love you always. Because my love is NOT a light switch like so many others…mine is forever infinite like those of the stars above you. Look for me up in the sky…I’ll be the one twinkling in a peace that only comes in death. I love you. I really do.”

I have so much I wish I could convey but words are so limited in times like these….all I want is for anyone reading this to understand….I was only human a mere mortal. An innocent at one time, but that was all taken in an instant, and no matter what anyone says….that man took it all from me…he took all that was precious at the tender age of 7…I have the scars through the years to prove what that monster did to me…I have documents supporting everything. I have a mother that at one time turned a blinded eye because it suited her to do so. I am scarred in so many ways…physically and mentally….not to mention emotionally. Sadly I do not know how to end this message to myself…because in the end I know, that I will not be the only one to read this. In the end I know at least one other will and I know they will share it…and that is perfectly okay with me.

If I was ever able to offer any advice to anyone it would be….always be true to yourself. I wasn’t and I paid the price, don’t be me. Always remember that where you come from doesn’t necessarily have to define you. That who you are deep down under it all…under that masquerade, is worth so much more than the person you project to the world. That in the end we all fall we all fail we all make mistakes….some more than others. I should know better than most. Remember, we are all a masterpiece in the making, even I. And as the last brush strokes are painted upon my canvas, I see the world more clearly than I ever wanted to. I see all the beauty and all the chaos within it. I see it move within circles around me as cracked green glass looks out upon the masses and watches the sea of emotion that flows through this world. Remember to take the time for yourself…to reach out to others. Even the kindness of a passing smile to someone you do not know could be enough to change something.

I have been blessed to know love…real love…it was brief…and I know that is my fault…god, how I know that was my fault then again…maybe not. Maybe that was all it was ever meant to be. But I can at least say, I have been loved at least once in my life. I have been able to love deeply in a way I never knew possible. I was able to have the pleasure that so, few have had. I got to fall in love over and over again with my best friend. And even though he is now gone, I still fall in love with him deeper each and every day. I just hope that he remembers that and knew that when we were together. I hope that he knows that I actually loved him deeper than any ocean, than the seven seas, than that of the ever expanding universe, that I would have laid down my life for him in an instant. I also hope that my children know, how much I honestly loved them. How no matter what they heard, what they think they know, what they will be told, that while my actions may seem to be looked at as selfish, that I did love them in the best way I knew how. That for all the many things I have done right and wrong, that I did try with all my heart to do what was best for them…even when the decisions seem to be selfish.

To anyone that knew me is reading this, please know that I did love you and if love survives death, then I love you still.

In times when the world is quiet and you get the chance to see the stars clearly at night….when the sea stops raging, and light shines from above….look to the wonder of what was created eons ago….look at the wonder of all the millions years of light that we are only now just getting to see…..and look for a new star, that finally shines as it always should have been….for the eyes of heaven dance like diamonds on a river of a dark sea…and the universe is never ending….just a drift and taken further out of reach. And within a world of silence my heart will resound with the echo of a soul that was left as nothing but a shell.

Like foot prints in the sand, I will disappear with the tide. I came from dust and to dust I shall return. For let my ashes feed those beaten weeds and let them thrive and grow among the wild roses in the breeze.

Now, I say goodbye. I bid myself the peace that I so deeply hope waits me after here. And if not then I am prepared for the black hole in which I have already seen. I bow out as my toes take to the floor once last time and I am transformed into that diamond butterfly you once saw in me…that you helped create. I am no longer a masterpiece in the making but a finished work of art. And from now, my new found wings will take me far from here as I dance my way from star to star until I find my place in the sky. I have awoken the silent sands and walked into the ocean of blue and green. Angry tyrants, I shall find as I sink beneath the surface of black glassy skies.

To whom ever reads this, I bid you goodbye.

A Masterpiece No Longer In The Making