So where do I even begin? Well, I signed up for this website so I guess I should explain why. Currently, I am not thinking about suicide, but I have in the past and fairly recently thought about how I would do it, why I would do it, who I would hurt and so forth, and then I realized that if anything happened to me, no one would know why, so here I am. Telling all of you what I can’t tell anyone in person.
I’m 15, I turn 16 in three weeks. I have a job that’s pretty mediocre, get good grades, I’m what you would consider popular and well I would look perfectly happy to you if you saw me smiling and laughing at my school. I’m fairly nice to everybody and with friendships that have faded, well they have just disintegrated with no bad blood between the two of us. My life sounds pretty great right? I’m not bullied by anyone, I’m well liked, there seems to be no problems at all.
Wrong.
When I had just turned 13, I started having problems at home that escalated from more than the usual. I don’t know why or how I knew about self harming, but I started, and I couldn’t stop. My friends started noticing the cuts on my arms, but we were all too young to understand what I was truly doing to myself. I played volleyball, which as you would imagine would be pretty painful. On days the cuts were more noticeable, I skipped practice. I had a boyfriend who just didn’t understand, so I kept him in the dark, a fact he is still hurt about today. Then I stopped going to school, and thats when my friends were really worried. Instead of going to school, my dad would let me stay at his office, and would drop me off before school ended. I started fighting with my mom a lot over stupid, minuscule things but my life just seemed to spiral down, and my dad, who I worshipped at the time, well he stopped coming home.
One night, after a volleyball game, I decided I was done staying at home. My friend and her mom offered to let me stay for a couple days just to get a break from my home life. It seemed like a great idea, but my mom came to grab me the second she found out. I refused to leave and she called the cops on me. Long story short, the cop found out I was self harming and took me to the hospital in the back of his cop car. I was checked in and placed in a room with two doors. They asked me questions, took my blood, I just remember being so tired. My dad stayed with me, while my mom took my little sister home. He answered questions from the psychiatrist as did I, and I guess we were pretty convincing. They seemed to think nothing was wrong and sent me home the next morning. Maybe I should have told them more and I could have stopped the snowball of effects that followed this. Little did they know, I had previously stood in the laundry room and tried to decide which chemical would kill me. That was the first time and one of the only times I have ever nearly come to actually attempting to commit suicide. At 13 years old, I wanted my life to end.
After the hospital incident, I was required to seek talk therapy with a counselor and basically tell her why I started self harming and talk about everything that I was feeling. I went to her, she was great, and she tried to improve my home life with a group therapy with my family. Well, this didn’t go so well. After I explained how overbearing they were with school, they stopped caring, when I said that I didn’t like how every other day my phone, computer and friend privileges were being taken away, well they shrugged their shoulders. Once again, maybe if this had gone well, we could have done something.
So this went on for a couple months, eventually my dad stopped showing up, eating, showering, etc and tensions arose with my mom because she was upset about my dad. I didn’t get along with my mom and my dad, I hardly saw him. Then around Christmas, things started to take a turn for the worse. My dad got into trouble with the law, did some things at his business that weren’t great, and left my family, and when I mean leave, I mean he comes home, grabs whatever he needs, packs up his car, and says he headed to somewhere away from us. All I remember from that night is giving him a blanket to help him pack.
After he left, CPS got involved. Two days before Christmas, cops came to our door with a person from CPS and started questioning us. “Are you scared of your dad?” “Do you feel safe?” and then they said we had to leave, so we spent Christmas in another state with my alcoholic grandparents (more on that later).
You still keeping up?
Then we came back home and I had two weeks to say goodbye. My friends planned a going away party, made a scrapbook, and everybody was just going to think I moved away. Then yet again, CPS got involved when a restraining order was placed on my dad. We had to move out of the state that weekend or my sister and I would be put into foster care. So, we left a week early. No goodbyes, no closing up loose ends. We moved in with my alcoholic grandparents and I was registered into school. My mom’s dad came to our home to help her move, he cleaned out my locker, returned all my school books for me, and that was the end of it.
So I started going to my new school. It was terrible. I made friends, sat through their awful classes and mainly spent time in my room. We lived too far away from anything to go to the movies or mall all the time so I ended up with a lot of free time. A month into the stay, we got kicked out so we moved in with my mom’s dad and her stepmom, which was in a different state. Once again I was enrolled in school, made friends, and eventually completed eighth grade there.
During this time, well I found out my dad was Bipolar, and while he was dealing with himself in a court mandated treatment program, we were suffering. So then after completely eighth grade, we moved back in with my alcoholic grandparents for the summer. The drinking got worse and eventually my parents took it up themselves to start the habit as well. All I remember from staying there is wanting to leave and always doing the dishes. I cleaned very bowl, plate, wineglass, for some reason, that was the price I had to pay for being allowed to come back to the house.
We eventually moved back home and I went to school with all my friends again. My dad wasn’t taking medicine and didn’t have any plan to, so we accepted his decision trusting he had himself under control. Things were pretty okay from there, we were poor due to my dad’s legal issues and our three moves in a span of 9 months, but we were back home and together as a family.
Isn’t that admirable? Despite everything he did, my dad still wasn’t going to take medicine and we still were a family, but then came the rumors. The reasons I left ranged from witness protection program, runaway from home, pregnant teen, and dealings with the Russian mafia.
So that was my freshmen year I got pretty decent grades, dated I guy I really liked, and things seemed to be okay. But after we broke up, I made some stupid decisions which luckily, didn’t have any serious implications, and ll in all I had a pretty great year.
Sophomore year was the same, except my parents drinking got worse. They became so dependent on alcohol that they stopped being parents. They started getting mad at me for things they shouldn’t care about and didn’t get mad for things they should. They started fighting a lot, playing music loudly at night, drinking, and well living like they didn’t have kids in the house. I got into fights with them, had my stuff taken away, got grounded, the whole ordeal. Sophomore year, I started having panic attacks, there were nights I sat on the floor and just said “I can’t do this” I lost my best friend partially through the second semester of the year and reconciled with an old one. Honestly, I thought I would be more upset over this but just ended up not caring instead. Just to give you a glimpse of what life has been like, my dad took my computer during finals week due to my “bad attitude” and then on nights I tried to study, they started fighting, drinking, and playing loud music. Meet my parents, everybody.
During the summer, I found a job. I worked full time so 5 days a week, 8+ hours a day. It was exhausting but it kept me out of the house, which meant less interactions with them. We still had bad interactions and they still found ways to punish me. They started being controlling over the chores and how if I didn’t do the chores, well there goes my privileges. They threatened and took way my phone, friends, computer, debit card, whatever they could think of. There were some nights, I lost it, throwing everything in my room and collapsing on the ground crying. I was so stressed between chores and work that I forgot that I wasn’t eating, and I started only eating one meal a day at work. I’ve been losing a lot of weight which normally would make me confident, but now makes me tired. I have less energy to go out and do things with friends and such, I spend a lot of time in bed, feeling sick and tired.
Now I’m about a week into junior year, I’ve already been punished by my parents for something despite the fact that they just told me I had been stepping it up recently and have been doing so well. So in a week I went from a very loving, helpful daughter who has been doing great with balancing school, family and work to a liar and a dissapointment. Maybe I’m one of those things, maybe I’m both, I honestly don’t know. As of now, I guess I’m whatever they say I am.
Before I end this, I want to say that in the course of three years, I have thought of suicide and/or suicide attempts more times than I can remember. The only reason I haven’t gone through with it is for the people I love and how they’ve already had so much pain in their lives and how I don’t want to add to that. Ironically, I hate seeing people in pain, either physically, emotionally or mentally, yet I feel it every day.
So there’s my story, I’m sorry that was so much, but I needed to write it down. I don’t keep a diary or journal of any sort so this is as close as its going to get.
8 comments
Took the time and read it all. It was a fun read as well, you explain things in a way that it’s easy to imagine the situations, so thanks for sharing. That said… well… parents are parents, and by that i mean, they do screw up in many ways when you least expect it, but sadly, we don’t pick them (and they don’t pick us either).
Your situation doesn’t sound like an easy one at all (moving out and having family break ups does affect people more than what everyone seems to think), and i’ve had a few friends in a pretty similar situation. Their solution? some ran away and made awful mistakes in order not to go back, others got lucky and had lots of things handed to them, and others just endured the problems until they were old enough to leave home.
I know that all those options don’t help you much (if at all) but you the only other option i can think of is trying to talk to your parents in order to make them realize what they are doing, but that’s a long shot (not impossible tho). I do hope your situation improves eventually and again, thanks for sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to read all that, I really just meant to write a paragraph but ended up ranting instead. I have thought of all of those options above, but I honestly just think “2 more years until I’m out of this.” It’s a time consuming way to think but it’s all I have. I also have a little sister who’s 10 and I couldn’t leave her with them. They baby her, so she wouldn’t be ready to face them alone. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me!
Are you a girl? I am Autistic which essentally means many things but to sum it up, it means I can’t be normal. I also have Bipolar disorder that effects my behavior. I have stages of mania and then depression. I have a lot of pain and in the past thought a bout suicide. Im not good enough for anyone. If you are a girl and if you want to, I am more than willing to support you. 336 675 9547 is my number. Im here to talk to whenever
wow, I’m so sorry you have to deal with so much of that. I would love to talk to you, currently my phone is taken away, but once I get it back. I would love to speak more with you.
I wish I had something helpful to ad to Mf’s comment, but your situation seems pretty challenging. Would it be out of place for me to suggest calling the Boys & Girls’ Town 24/7 Hotline? (800-448-3000) They help young people your age on a day in & day out basis, so they might have a fresh perspective on things.
And by all means, keep posting here. Lots of good people hanging around.
It’s not out of place at all, I haven’t heard of that hotline though, so I might have to try it out. This is actually my first time posting but I have read posts on these pages periodically from time to time.
I read your story and yes it was a good read. I could see images in my head. It’s almost like a Greek Tragedy.
I was lucky in a way that my mom sent my sister and I off to private/boarding school just to get us away from our dad. That was the only reason we were given.
Now I’m 49 and I’m supposed to love this person that was and still is mentally abusive and was a bit physically abusive. We weren’t ever told we did a good job. We were just told that if we didn’t do it perfect, what we’d get. And that more than most times involved a belt.
Supposed to be a nice place to have your family, church. We’d sit in church and if I even looked wrong I’d get a glare from my dad knowing I’d get a whipping with a belt when I got home…from church.
Supposed to see God from your father’s example. If he’s God’s example, I don’t ever want to see God, if there is even one.
The reason I am telling you this is, I’m dealing with a lot and it has a lot to do with how I was raised.
I don’t do well in employment although I’ve stayed employed all my life. I fear anyone that is above me such as my managers. I’m afraid every single day that they will come down on me. Which this current position I’m at now, it seems to happen. I’ve never experienced anything like this place before in my life.
Sometimes I think I manifest it because I’m always afraid of it.
So try to learn from them, everyone is a teacher. Don’t let them make you fear anything in your future.
They are obviously bad examples. I raised my daughter the best I could, also dealing with depression.
I kept a job, a career all her life to make sure she had what she needed in life.
Worked nights all the time, mostly to keep away from management. Just by myself on nights.
But I’d get calls from my precious daughter at night asking me to call her dad, who was in the house, and ask him to keep it down. He felt it more necessary to entertain and make his friends happy and drink than to make sure his daughter had a good nights rest before she had to go to school in the morning.
I’m trying to be positive and help you. I’m not doing such a great job.
I’m actually at work now.
I’m no longer with her dad. Which makes me sad. But when I heard her saying things about him that I knew for years and never brought to her attention, I knew he had to go. We couldn’t go on like this anymore.
She’s 23 now. I keep this career that I’m in mostly to make sure she still has what she needs. I provide as well as I can for her.
I’m now with a man that is a kind soul. Good heart and good soul. He doesn’t make much money because of the choices he made most of his life. Which is painful for me. But it makes it easier to deal with when he’s so kind and works hard. He’s non stop. I couldn’t get my daughters dad to even get a fulltime job.
This guy really cares about me.
That’s one positvie thing I can say and that I have a beautiful daughter that is trying to make a life for herself in college.
Hang in there sweetie.
Wow, I haven’t heard from anyone the effects of your childhood as an adult and your perspective is eyeopening. I live in constant fear of the future, especially when it comes to when I start a family and how I’m going to raise the child or children I bring into this world. My father is only emotionally abusive due to his lack of empathy, but luckily he doesn’t lay hands on my mom, sister or I. He used to spank me with objects when I was younger, but it stopped once I was too old to be punished in that manner, or he would grab our wrists pretty hard to get us to stop doing whatever he didn’t like. That’s pretty much the extent of that. You are an incredible example of a good mother, and it sounds like no matter what, you put your daughter ahead of everything. I’m so sorry her father was more interested in entertainment than his daughter, I know that all to well but with money in replace of entertainment. I am so glad you found this great guy, he sounds like a good man who’s made a couple of not so great decisions, but it does seem like he’s making up for that. Your strength throughout life is incredible, and it sounds like your journey has been a tough one and still continues to be from your childhood. You have given me a great example of someone with a bad childhood, raising their child without becoming their own parents. I hope I can I follow that as well and learn what not to do from my own parents. Thank you for sharing your story with me and taking the time to read mine as well.