I’ve attempted suicide over ten times.
I’ve never been raped or lost someone close to me to death. I’ve never been homeless or starving. I’ve never run away or snuck out.
Instead, I’ve smoked and drank. I cut and I burn. I think about my death often.
I remember when my parents found out how suicidal I was. My mom laughed and then continued smoking and my step father joked about keeping me away from his tools. They never put me in a hospital, and only took me to therapy once.
They put me on a bunch of meds, and for a while, I thought I was doing good. My best friend would talk me through my panic attacks and I stopped cutting and smoking. But old habits die hard, right?
It’s been a year and I’m falling apart.
My mother is on her way to drinking her life away, my father is so irritable, I am just waiting for him to hit me. My aunt has disowned our family because she brought her pedophiliac boyfriend to my birthday adventure and I told my mother about how uncomfortable I felt. We have no money and yet everyone is in freaking denial. The food is slowly running out, and yet we still spend crazy amounts of money on alcohol and other luxurious things life has to offer. On top of all that, the one who has been here for me through everything is gone. Se hates me because I tried to get better and because I was trying to “leave” her.
I can’t decide whether to run away or just kill myself. I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can’t handle everyone hating me or my family falling apart. I can’t handle crying myself to sleep every night and no one comforting me or even hearing me cry out. I’m 16 for God’s sakes and yet I feel as if it is already my time to be gone.
Sometimes, I dream about how if I had been raped or had cancer or was literally homeless, that I’d actually have a reason to feel this miserable. And I understand that THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH WORSE LIVES THAN MINE but their feelings aren’t worse than mine.
I dream about the day that I slit my wrist and bleed out. I dream about the day when I’m finally gone from this Earth and no longr have to suffer this pain. I dream aout the day that I am no longer alone, and I know that I feel joy when I dream those dreams.
Lastly, I dream about the day that my eleventh attempt, will be successful.
Yours Forever and Always,
The Girl Who Held On For Too Long
11 comments
Meds are fucking bullshit. They made me feel better until the day i slit my leg open where tendons where visible. I have a very good support system and that’s something I wish you have. I can connect with you on most things. I drink and smoke because when you’re drunk or high, all the pain goes away. I cut. I started up again too. I pray that I get cancer so that it kills me cause I don’t have the balls to do it myself. I’m 19, you’re 16. Fuck we’re suppose to be worrying about school and friends and the future and fucking up because that’s what teenagers do. I wish I had better words to help you. You don’t deserve death. I have no fucking clue who you are but i admire you because you’re still here. With no support you are still here. You’re strong as hell. Who knows, maybe your future is brighter than you know. Take care of yourself sweetheart. I’m here. P.s. all you need in this world is yourself.
Your words are my fuxking soulmate. Is that weird? I mean, it’s sad that when I cut, I can’t even cut deep enough to land me in a mental hospital anymore. So now, I walk in front of moving cars, I pray that I get caught in the middle of a shooting or knife fight, just anything that could kill me without me actually doing it. And you’re soo right. We shouldn’t be worrying about stupid adult shxt. I shouldn’t have to worry about getting a job because my parents have less than $200 to their name and are being sued. But shxt happens. And you shouldn’t admire me, I don’t deserve it, but thank you. And I hope my future is so much brighter because my past and present are pitch black. Take care if yourself too. Two years before you get to drink your problems away. And I’m here if you ever need someone to listen. (:
“Sometimes, I dream about how if I had been raped or had cancer or was literally homeless, that I’d actually have a reason to feel this miserable. And I understand that THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH WORSE LIVES ”
I have had similar thoughts before and I just want to say that Your Feelings Are Valid and you deserve help. Someone out there probably has the worst life of all but does that me they’re the only one who deserves sympathy? No, everyone deserves help and love. I hope things get better for you and perhaps you’ll find a better “family”in the future who will respect your feelings.
You literally just took the words out of my mouth. And I hope so too. Because the right family, the family that is there whether they are blood related or family by loyalty, that family is forever. And I hope everyone has a forever family. I’m here if you ever need to talk; trust me, I know how nice it is to have someone to just listen to when you are going through a hard time, and I know how deadly it is when there isn’t someone there. (:
environment can slowly eat your soul away. get outta that hell hole
I’ve been trying for the past three years, and hopefully, God willing, I will finally leave in December. I’m going to miss home but I know that I’m better off gone. And you’re right, it’s slowly eating my soul and soon, I won’t have one anymore.
Life is tough isn’t it? People look at us from the out side and assume everything is safe and sound, right?
There is no such thing as holding on too long. No such freaking thing. We have to decision to keep going. We dont choose our life, and maybe the quality of living is at a low right now. But thats the beauty of lows, they rise.
“sometimes you have to fall farther than you ever have to rise above where you have ever been.”
You can hold on. I believe in you. You have potential. You have a purpose. You can hold on.
It may be at a low, but it’s not at its lowest. I know I can hold on. That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried that I no longer want to hold on.
Life is tough isn’t it? People look at us from the out side and assume everything is safe and sound, right?
There is no such thing as holding on too long. No such freaking thing. We have to decision to keep going. We dont choose our life, and maybe the quality of living is at a low right now. But thats the beauty of lows, they rise.
“sometimes you have to fall farther than you ever have to rise above where you have ever been.”
You can hold on. I believe in you. You have potential. You have a purpose. You can hold on.
Hello Dear. You are not alone, I am also thinking the same.
I hate feeling this way and thinking these things.