Well it started in primary I was 4 when I started getting bullied I begged my parents to let me move school and they kept shouting at me and telling me no but when I told them they just shouted at me even more and told me they didn’t believe me, that was them on good days…
As I grew up it got worse in year 6 I started getting abused by people at school but I didn’t understand depression then, it came summer holidays I left primary and then it was high school
I thought I’d have a fresh start with new people from different schools, eventually I formed a friendship group! We was weird not emo weird but looser type of weird, a few month later the bullying started again but this time worse than ever, I was in Spanish and this girl in particular said she’d kill me, and started calling me worthless, whore, slut, waste of space, anorexic freak, ugly etc… From that day forward she kept telling me to go die, I just ignored her until she started spreading rumours about my friends from me, they eventually left me too, I was alone. I went home that night in such a bad mood not like any other mood, my dad would usually ask me how was my day, I told him it was perfect and that I loved high school and it put a smile on his which made me a bit happier, I went upstairs and got my dads blade I then got changed out of my uniform and put on my pyjamas It started with 1 cut 2 cut 3 cut 4 I couldn’t stop the more I did the happier is was!! Then I stopped self harming for a bit, I actually got happier I was picturing my future, I was really happy I did well in my education and made my mum and dad proud. That was until year 8.
I started being self conscious about all my insecurities and just generally everything about me, I got bullied badly. I had the ‘perfect life’ as people would comment on my Facebook timeline, it made me laugh so much it then made me realise that my smile is getting really good at hiding my monstrous mind! By January I was doing 12 cuts on each arm just to be happy but I still wasn’t satisfied, from January I would try killing myself at least 4 times a day, with different techniques every time, from strangling to choking to drowning to hanging to not breathing to over dosing I tried everything my body was so strong… That continued up till May where I finally got the courage to tell my best friend who I’d came close with since start of year 8, I told her everything how I cried myself to sleep and that on weekends I’d go to bed at 5am and wake up at 8pm and about what I used to self harm, the following week I had police, social workers and all sorts coming for me in school. She told on me, she promised she wouldn’t say anything but now she’d ruined my life, my parents blamed it on each other and decided to split up rumours spread I had to miss lessons to attend to social worker meetings the police would give me the same speech every time on how “they’re just making sure I didn’t do anything stupid” they found the blade I used, and I dreaded going home, I got pulled out of a lesson my mum was in school with my social worker she was bright red in the face she slapped me so hard in front of everyone and told me I was embarrassing her once again I then had a panic attack broke down and fainted I banged my head off the stone door, nobody told me anything and I didn’t know anything it was all fuzzy, but as I was waking up she was rolling my sleeves down she saw I was conscious and started hitting me really hard on my face and said I’m a horrible human being who she regrets having, those words echoed in my head for days. I finally got home my mum was at work and my dad was screaming at me and pushin me down the stairs and shouting who in the right mind would slit there wrists. I blacked out, I didn’t have food for days. As time past it only got worse I was feeling so insecure and so down and sick after every meal and I couldn’t make myself happy either, after everything calmed down I started self harming again but this time with little cuts so you couldn’t hardly see them, I did a cut every time I lost a battle with myself, my brain was eating me up, oh I knew I was depressed but I had only just got my parents trust back and they finally got back together so I wasn’t trusting anyone anytime soon, they forgot about it, but one day everyone I seen was abusing me verbally and physically and mentally, I got home told my dad I was doing my homework I turned my music at full blast so he wouldn’t be able to hear me scream, I tied the rope around my poor neck I was so keen to do it I forgot about my sisters and my aunties and uncles and everyone, I untied the rope and threw it away and went downstairs and I go to my dad whose sat watching TV, hi dad how about we do something you like, he took me and him out for a meal we then went home and watched movies I started seeing myself in the future which was better already! But lately I’ve just been feeling down and I’ve stopped seeing myself and I’m starting to self harm and feel alone again and could really just need someone to talk me through it day by day.
I don’t expect you to understand. I’m just tired of being numb like I don’t even feel anything anymore haha