I need to clarify things. Everything is messed in my mind. I have gone through enough of illusions so I don’t want to fall for another one. My experience isn’t for nothing, it teaches me what NOT to do or which among my thoughts is another illusion. But.. this job has changed a lot of things. It was guilt, fear and worthlessness that were making me suffer all these years, and from that suffering were arising my desires for higher things. With this job that guilt is gone, and so is gone my craving for higher things. But there is no satisfaction! Where is my satisfaction? I deserved atleast some of it after all those efforts and this little success. And it makes me feel that maybe I am meant to suffer, all my life. Maybe with this world I am always in resistance/friction. There is some fundamental incompatibility. I don’t like people and people’s ways. I don’t like an authority above me telling me what to do. I don’t like to be flawed/inefficient in any way.
However what is baffling to me is that: where is my desire for truth now? Was it also an illusion, a by product of suffering? No, no, it can’t be. Where is my highest hope now? Hell, where is even my hope now? I have let gone of a lot of things in my life when their time came: Science, Osho, Buddha. But this…
So, where can a truthless quaero go? Not even mountains call me anymore. And I know I will find suffering even there, such is my acute consciousness. Even the Underground Man is better than me, coz he is atleast true/complete in his underground-ness.
Hah, how I used to imagine my life after getting this job. I used to imagine that I would boast about being a clerk. I would get into debates with anyone who thinks it’s a petty job. I would give examples like Albert Einstein was a clerk, (Anti)hero of Dostoevsky’s novel Notes From Underground was a clerk, Dostoevsky’s first novel was based on clerks’ life. I actually found this name Clerk aesthetic. That’s what I mean when I say ‘Everything is ugly from the inside.’ However even then I knew I’m only wishfully thinking.
I will be going to another city via train for an exam this Sunday. I am not thinking of returning back.
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The other day I got a fortune cookie that read, “something bountiful will happen today.” Not kidding you, I found 5 xanax bars that afternoon. And, please excuse me for being dense, but why would you take that the test then not come home? If you’re leaving, f*ck that test, right? That’s like wiping before you shit. Anyway, good luck with everything.
PS – You’re sentient, you shouldn’t waste that gift.