I’m suffocating.
I don’t know any other word for it.
I’m slowly suffocating in this life and I’m dying inside.
My mother asked me today, “Would you mind if I smoke?”
She knows that I HATE when she smokes. I’ve tried to help her stop smoking for the past 13 years and it seems like every time I think she;s getting better, she’s just faking it.
She told me she hopes that I can forgive her.
But how can I forgive a hypocrite? When I started smoking, she almost threw me out of the house. When I started cutting, she took me to therapy and almost had me hospitalized.
She knows what it’s like. She knows how I feel. So why can’t she GROW THE FXCK UP(!) and deal with it like I am?! I’m using actually coping methods and trying to get better. I’m her freaking daughter, and she called me her biggest supporter.
How the fxck am I supposed to support this? How can she expect me to?! How can she ask me to?! I’m 16 freaking years old. She’s 38! Why do I always have to be the adult? Why do I always have to worry about money. why we don’t have food on the table, how my little brother (9) and sister (10) are doing in school, how my dad (had 5 surgeries) can barely remember to eat these days?!
Why can’t I just worry about how I am single? Or about how prom is this year? Or that my best friend is best friends with everyone but me?
Why can’t I just worry about the stupid little things a teenager like me should have to worry about?
I’m so tired. I’m drained. I’m suffocating. I’m dying.
I don’t even care.
Yours, Forever and Always
The Girl Who Wants To Give Up
6 comments
I know what you mean. My husband is like your mother. And i am sooooo close to giving up on him. He’s supposed to be the on i could rely on… My partner… But i also cant stop him with his vices and even when he says he would stop… Its fake!! Ive lost faith in him. Its as if he needs more care than my kids… All the burden’s on me and im soooo tired.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I don’t know what it feels like to have it be your partner, but I hoping it all turns out well! I’m here if you need to talk.
I want to say that you are amazingly strong for having made it this far through all of that
You absolutely deserve to have a normal teenage life and I hope you can find (or create) a few periods of sanity in the middle of all the insanity to do and be just that.
Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to have someone agree with me on that part.
I am speechless at reading a little about your life. I have no words. I send you my love and thoughts.
Why are you speechless? And thank you so much, I really do appreciate it.