This is my second post on here….when I say post, I mean not just making a comment on someone else’s account.
I promised a friend on Saturday, that I would take one day (today meaning Sunday) to really consider what I am doing. What I am planning to do, in hopes that I would find something within myself to hang on. He is a spiritual person, however I am not, at least not anymore and haven’t been in many years. However, it didn’t hurt for me to want to hold onto something, it didn’t hurt me to try. So with an open mind and heart, I allowed myself to fast and pray (I know, I know, I don’t believe but its not like it would kill me to try…okay, that’s just ironic). There were things he talked to me about on Saturday that I really thought about and as the clock on my computer turned to 12:01 am, I started my promise to him.
All day, I have searched within myself, not that I haven’t been doing that but going even further, trying to realize something, anything, trying to find something to hold onto. Sadly, all the realizations that I had only made me further realize that yes, my time is over. That this is my choice and it’s either live here and know that I will forever be lost within this world, waiting to grow old and die and be unhappy…for if you read my previous post, my world, my happiness is just….OVER.
I thought for a moment, I had found something, it was a small tangible piece of thread of silky hope…and I clinged to it today until, the answer came that it was never going to change. That it wasn’t going to happen. All there would be was more fighting, more battles to wage and a war I would never win.
So as my time here comes to a close…as I watch the clock and officially begin the countdown to my last breath… I cry. I cry for all the years lost, for all the pain, for the love that never came, for everything I had worked so hard for, for something I will never ever attain.
I am but dust…I am but light….I am but darkness….I am nothing…and yet…I am EVERYTHING….I am a blackhole
To all those before me and after me, I hope we all find peace in what lies here after.
My last thoughts I shall put down as my last breath runs out….and if I am only ever remembered once kindly, then my existence wasn’t in vain.
14 hours and counting….I’ll spread my wings and fly, to butterflybae, my heaven unknown…
13 comments
Good luck on your journey and what ever you decide. I’m sorry life is so hard. Remember, if you chose to go, please make sure you know what your doing so you won’t fail and end up worse off than you already are.
Thank you. I appreciate that. My DNR, My Last Will and Testament, My POA, and Living Directive have all been finalized and ready to go, in case something like that does happen. I’m fully prepared for what is to come and fully prepared in case it fails.
And thank you to whomever started this site, I know it has helped countless souls find an outlet, an end, and a beginning….
I found your first post after having read this one. My heart aches…. no, bleeds for you. Your life to mine, they simply do not compare. You have experienced heartaches beyond explanation, your words however cast light to places so deep. You came into this world innocent, innocent you remain but a victim of circumstance far beyond your control. I know not of who you are (other than what I have read and what you have shared) but you are loved, and loved you shall remain.
Where do you go from here? I ask for you to remain but your decision is clear. You are at last a butterfly, you are perfect regardless of your flaws. Should you spread your wings and fly, casting off this mortal coil, I wish you the peace and love that you could not find in this domain.
You are loved. You are loved.
Your words…..your words….how they touch me deeply in a way, words shouldn’t be able to. Tears fell like rain from the sky and I thank you with all that is left within me as I die. Thank you for those those words, for those beautiful words….for hearing me and maybe seeing me…just a little.
Now and forever, a diamond butterfly.
Peace now butterfly, peace.
RIP.
Kudos to you man. Read both her posts and the whole thread about her and you just said the right thing at the right time. She hopefully found peace, she surely didn’t have things easy.
I agree. You words were perfect and just what she needed it seems.
The conversation you two had before her journey was beautiful. Although the ending was sad. I think you so beautifully expressed so many people’s thoughts.
I’m sorry that I didn’t find her postings before she moved on.
She’s a beautiful person. I’m sorry she had to overcome so many bad things.
RIP may your spirit ever fly free
I’m so sad for her, it’s what I feel. How do you know she’s dead now?
Her obituary was posted : www(dot)legacy(dont)com/obituaries/sptimes/obituary.aspx?pid=175566151
I read her story, and I’m so angry now.
:,(_____…
how much i’ve cried for someone i’ve never met nor known.