Without You

I can’t do this anymore. There’s no point in living if you don’t feel alive. For as long as I can remember I’ve been fighting depression and struggling with poverty and I just don’t care anymore. I’ve had nothing but horrible, humiliating, miserable life experiences. My biological family is beyond dis functional. I don’t really have friends just acquaintances. The only man I love hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I went to college and still can’t get a decent job. My best friend in college died. I have Major Depression, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. I am physically repulsive and it would take a ton of cosmetic surgery to make me look decent. Everyone treats me like garbage. I am going to be 39 and not one year of my life has been worth living. I’ve tried to be the best friend, boyfriend, student, uncle, etc and it made no difference. No one respects me. After much reading and watching documentaries I am an atheist and it is clear to me that I am genetically inferior and a biological mistake. There is no God or higher power, no heaven or reincarnation. This is it. The best things happen to the worst people. I was recently diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome after I experienced heart failure. I have realized if I stop taking the medication I was given then I can hopefully die and get it over with. I can’t continue to live without the only man Iove and I know he will never love me back. His name is Eric Ritz and I failed him. Years of not being medicated for depression made me act like a stupid jackass and I can’t go back in time and fix it. I would get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness but would it do any good? I would give away an entire year of my life just to spend one day with him. I would do anything to share his life and to be able to change my last name to his. I’m just a burden to him and I have nothing. I was supposed to die when I was born and I wish that I had, this life has been nothing but a nightmare.