How not to share.

So I haven’t written in this blog for a while. Why? During my time away from this my depth of depression sunk deeper as I found that the world around me continue to push me aside, saying I was no longer physically able to work in my chosen fields. And since I was not working, that ment my knowledge of those fields was no longer of value.So it was best, they said in unspoken words, that I sit at home and wait to die.
So that’s what happened, but as I sat at home in physical pain from my chronic illness and the emotional pain of being fogotten the thought of just sitting at home and waiting led to thoghts that a more active form of ending this.
In EMS we are taught that 1st there are to levels of suicide, the first is suicidal ideation, those that are depressed and have vague thoughts of suicide, (ex: I wish I was dead, or I want to kill myself ) and those who are truly suicidal, those that have a plan to carry out there suicide.
Often times that’s what is asked, and if one has a plan and it’s specific enough, health care workers feel intervention is needed.
But even this is further divided into two groups those who may have a plan but they share it or fail at it who are belived to be a “call for help” and those who are committed who you can not save from there plan.
This is why a blog like this truly has value, for here you can have an opinion about ones life and under what circumstances it should end without someone else intervening in your life.
This was my mistake, that I had a plan and I trusted to share it with someone who felt the need to intervene and placed me in a behaviour health unit.
My stay did not change my opinions or beliefs. In a mixed environment where most of the clients had substance abuse issues, others who had deep psychotic problems like schizophrenia? or thoses who were so numbed by ECT that you couldn’t tell who they really were, it was hard to find a peer. That is someone whose truly reached such a level of pain that and end of life decision is a valid thing to consider.
So what l learned to put back on “that face that (s)he keep in a jar by the door ” and speak the key words that thirty years of working in healthcare taught me.
Following the”go along to get along” philosophy as well as “walking the walk and talking the talk” my stay in house was short.
So thank you all that created this blog so those who need to discuss these deep dark issues without someone “blowing the whistle” on us.
As for me, The plan still exsits, but I still don’t act on it, I just continue to sit at home and wait to die.